Guilt

[badlydrawnbear]

DH died last year. Due to the circumstances of his death, I am consumed by guilt. I could have done things differently, tried harder, been a better wife, and he might not have died and DC would still have a daddy and my in-laws would still have a son/ brother. I think about this all the time and don’t know how to deal with it. I look at my young children and know that it is my fault that they don’t have their daddy anymore. They are too young to realise this and my in-laws have never said or done anything to show they think it, but I know. I don’t know how to live with this level of guilt but I don’t have a choice.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Are you able to tell us what happened?

OP I know how you feel unfortunately, my DH died at the beginning of this month after a very short fight with cancer. I keep replaying the end of last year and his ambiguous symptoms and why the hell I didn't push for second opinions for him or focus on him more. He wasn't one to make a fuss or chase things. His cancer was rare and aggressive and sadly very low survival rate so in my heart I know there would have been little difference but the guilt, like the grief itself comes in waves especially when I look at our young DC and what they've lost. Please, please don't let the guilt take you over. Its not a healthy energy, sadly for you and I we can't go back in time and nothing can be done, and think of the future and you DC. I'm sure your guilt isn't Warrented, it's just one of the many feelings that come a passing but tell us more about why you feel like that (DM me if you'd prefer) x

@ApolloandDaphne

I'm so sorry for your loss. Are you able to tell us what happened?

I had a thread here for a few months after he died, but I had to get it removed a while ago because I didn’t name change and it was extremely outing and I had written stuff about him and the situation that I hadn’t told anyone in real life and his family asked that no one is told the cause of death. The problem is that without explaining what happened I can’t explain why my guilt is justified.

I think I remember your thread, I won’t post details out of respect. You’re allowed to feel and think, with all due respect to his family (who I’m sure are lovely) you are allowed to grieve/talk about whatever you want if it will help you to process what has happened. Have you tried counselling? I won’t sit here and say don’t feel guilty (you’re allowed to feel and think what you like) but as yourself how is this thought/ feeling going to help me to move forward? Is it as valid as you may think? We cannot be responsible for what others do 😞 I’m so sorry for your loss.
You sound like an incredibly compassionate person 💐

OP, i remember your thread (and you were right to pull it - I am in a FB group with people who knew him and had worked it out). From what I remember though I'm really not clear on how it could have been your fault at all.

It honestly, honestly, honestly sounded like just one of those things.

Are you sure this isn't your subconscious trying to reassure you that you do control everything, because the alternative - that the world is random, sometimes dangerous, and we cannot ensure our loved ones are safe and control their actions to keep them safe all the time - is too upsetting right now? If it's your fault, then! You could have kept him safe, which means you can keep your DC safe... That sort of thing.

Please confide in at least one discreet, trusted person in RL. Sounds like the terrible shock and loss has left you adrift, and you need some face to face reassurance to ground you and pull you back to dry land.

fluffyfluffyclouds that’s an interesting theory about wanting to believe it was my fault rather than accept the random terrible nature of the world. I will think about that. It’s also interesting that you knew him (online at least) and had worked out what happened. That might help me with the dilemma of MIL not wanting anyone to know the truth if I know that some people worked it out without being told (if I choose to tell other people, she doesn’t have to know they didn’t realise themselves), it’s not really surprising as he was quite open about it.

Izzyboo thank you. I do go to bereavement counselling but don’t talk too deeply. And this guilt hit me the day after a session and there won’t be another one for a while as she was on holiday, then the inquest was at the exact time of the session and now it’s the school holidays and I don’t have anyone to look after DC while I go.

I didn't know him even online myself - it's a very large group. When people go young it's big news.

I suppose even if your MiL does ask you direct questions, you could just say you're too upset to take it all in / talk about it and burst into tears. She might not anyway. People can be quite good at working out when they won't like the answer...

Inquests are often reported in local papers anyway.

Basically you can control what you do and say (as much or little as you think right) but the rest of the world is beyond your control, pretty much.

I think guilt is a natural emotion in The process of bereavement. Just because you feel guilty it doesn't mean you did anything wrong.

I also think guilt is normal in a bereavement. I Felt very guilty for a long time and I also spent a long time trying to work out if I was guilty or just felt it. In the end I had to come to terms with the fact that I would never know and I had to forgive myself. And that only I could do that.

Guilt is a natural path in the grief process, you need to be kind to yourself.

I don't think it's fair for MIL to tell you what you can and can't say and who to, especially on an anonymous forum.

I'd suggest giving more to your therapy sessions it's what they are for and may help

I remember your threads very well. I hope you and the kids are doing a lot better now. You have nothing to feel guilty about.