Missing my brother

[NancyNC2022]

My lovely sweet brother, who was my best friend took his own life 11 years ago. I’ve such a mixture of emotions today. I miss him and I’m overwhelmed by the unbearable sadness of what happened. He was a beautiful soul and I wish more than anything I could have stopped him somehow.

It’s Mother’s Day today and I now have two boys, a toddler and a baby and I’m plagued with fears that they will do the same, can’t stop thinking about how my mum must feel (I know she’s struggling today). I’m sitting here in bed sobbing. Just needed to put it out there really.

He was so so lovely and beautiful and funny and sweet. The sadness and fear are unbearable tonight. I think I’ve kept thoughts of him away for quite a while but it’s all crashing down tonight.

I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you and your family. Would you like to share anymore about him?

I'm sorry OP. I've lost 2 brothers. One so long ago I don't remember him. The other in 2015. The one who died in 2015 was a very unhappy soul, I somerimes think he willed himself to die. I so wish he'd had a better life.

I've nothing useful to say beyond, I know it hurts
💐

It's been a tough day hasn't it. Have you had any counselling?

Sending love OP, this sounds very tough x

I’ve had counselling in the past but I don’t think I’ve really dealt with it properly and have struggled on and off with it since having children. I had an episode of anxiety and depression and my CBT therapist recommended in get some more counselling around this topic. I need to really, I tend to shit it down then get overwhelmed.

He was 19 and it was a shock at the time though not a surprise if that makes sense? He had aspergers and struggled with it and so as his big sister I had always been the one to look after him and worry about him. It was a sucker punch that it ended up being himself I couldn’t protect him from. I prioritised him over other friendships so would make a lot of time for him so he was my best friend really. I was happy to, I loved him more than anyone. He was very sweet and goofy, passionate about injustice and volunteered with animals. He was an avid reader after I got in into Harry Potter as a kid and we used to go on these random road trips to historic sites together and watch really crap vampire films and crack up over them. He was v kind and naive in many ways. Tall and blonde with lovely blue eyes.

As a mother now I have to be careful not to let these fears change how I parent my boys. I’m ducking terrified it will happen to one of them and I don’t know how I’d survive it. I look at them now they are small and think how does my mum feel, she will have memories of him at this age and now he’s gone. Honestly it just breaks me.

Life is so fucking unfair, he deserves so much more.

Thanks to everyone answering at this time of night so so kind. My DH is snoozing next to me in one side and my baby in the cot in the other and I feel like I’m on a different planet.

I'm so sorry

My dad left us in February, he went very suddenly. Since then I feel like a robot, functioning because I have to but empty inside. I'm here if you need anything, I find the nights the hardest x

@pinklashes98 so sorry you lost your dad and so recently. I remember that autopilot feeling when you’re numbed by shock. It’s hard to get your head round how they can be here and then just not. Nights are always when my head goes into overdrive.xxx

@NancyNC2022 thank you ♥️

Yes, I'm the same. At night all the questions, memories, times when I could have done more come into my head.

Your relationship with your brother sounds so beautiful, he was very lucky to have you xxx

@NancyNC2022 I am so sorry to hear this. My heart goes out to you. My brother did the same thing a few months ago. I believe he was undiagnosed autism/aspergers plus mental health issues. He was my shadow growing up. I’m totally bereft. I’m so sorry - just solidarity xxx

I'm so sorry for your loss. What a lovely lad. God bless x

I lost my 19 year old lad not to suicide but a tragic accident...we never got to say goodbye and I hate to think he suffered in any way ...could have been prevented ..he wasted his life on a fatal mistake

Sorry for your loss OP ..:life is cruel