Grieving someone I had a complicated relationship with

[TheLoneNameChanger]

My ex died this weekend.

We had a very messy relationship. I don't know if I want to call it abusive, but he was violent with me at times. We were both unfaithful to each other. We both had issues with drugs and alcohol during our relationship. We broke up many years ago, but had some contact because of DS.

I wasn't surprised to hear he'd died. I feel like I've been waiting for that call for years. I am surprised by just how devastated I feel. I feel like an utter hypocrite for crying about him, but I've just not been able to stop crying. It's shit.

Im so sorry for your loss. I went through the same thing when my abusive dad died. I got some brilliant support on here. I think i was really angry with myself for being sad, and you are maybe feeling that too. However bad things were, you must have had some good times, which is often the first thing you remember when ypu lose someone. There was probably a trauma bond there too if you were both using drugs ect. All those bad feelings will have come flooding back. I also found the big thing for me was having to let go of the hope i always had that one day he would say sorry. Stop drinking. Understand what damage he had done. Now that will never happen.
I found talking therapy really helped and just to be kind to yourself. Grief is a natural, healing process , so allow it to happen. Hope things get better soon x

I don't know how I feel. It keeps changing. He was my first boyfriend. We got together when I was a teenager. He was there for me when my mum died. We went through a lot together - homelessness, unplanned pregnancy, really poor mental health - but we were also really toxic together. I think I sort of blame myself - I know I wasn't good for him, any more than he was good for me. But I got out, and got clean, and sorted my life out and he didn't.

I keep wondering 'why me and not him'. And then I have these fits of feeling angry at myself for being pathetic and angry at him for being a shit father, for all the awful stuff he did over the years, for being pretty fucking abusive, if I'm honest, to me and to the women who came after me. I think I'm sort of mourning for DS as well who is gutted and I think grieving the father he never had a chance to have. It's all such a mess.

Thinking of you x

I can completely empathise with you. I am struggling with an ex who is drinking himself to death. I'm supporting DC with it as much as I can and I felt genuinely sad at one stage. Now he's in contact after a long while and is no different to how he was before. He is still trying to blame his problems on everyone but himself and mainly me.
I understand the feelings of being torn, and I know I'm not where you are, but I just wanted to say you're only human, let the feelings come and go if you can. It's not going to be quick or easy to process, but you'll get there.