How do I do this?

[notmeanttobe]

Come to terms with the death of someone I never got over when they were alive?

Someone I loved. So, so much. Yet we just never got it right.

What if by trying to protect myself over the years, I just added to his hurt?

He had a lot of issues over the years, but knowing he was still out there, gave me hope that he was happy and safe, and that one day we could work it out. But even if he was happy with someone else (and I think he had met someone lately), he was still here, on this same earth as me. That I could handle, even if it meant we would never start again.

Now he's gone, by choice. And don't know how I'll ever get over that. I can't bear the thought of him being alone and being so low that he did that. I know he loved others. I'm not saying I alone could have saved him, but I wish I'd kept him closer too.

I can't believe I'll never speak to him ever again. Not, maybe in a few months. Not, maybe in a few years. Just never.

And I feel so selfish for feeling the way I do. His poor family will be broken. But I am feeling it too, and I don't know how to stop.

Was I selfish to even write this, when we'd barely spoken over the last 2 years?

I'm sorry for your loss 💐

No you're not selfish. I believe you can care about someone deeply but still think it's kinder to both of you to keep your distance. You can know a relationship's not working but still love them and wish them a long and happy life, even if it's apart from you. I so sorry that he wasn't able to have that.

Thanks @MMMarmite

But I was just being kinder to me. I wish I'd checked in more, even though I know that I alone wouldn't have been enough. I just can't believe he's gone.

I messaged a couple of months ago when I knew he had lost someone close. He replied, but I left it at that. I wish I'd used that as an opportunity to keep in touch.

Speaking as someone who said a final goodbye to my husband yesterday no, you are not being selfish saying those things. I second everything that @MMMarmite has said. My husband's first wife came to his funeral yesterday and I would never think she was selfish for feeling how she feels as I know they once loved each other.

Thanks @bloodywhitecat and I'm so sorry for your loss. This is the closest I've been to losing someone I love in that way, so I cannot imagine what you are going through.