Bereavement Counselling

[Poppy04]

Hi everyone,

I would like to hear about others’ experiences of bereavement counselling. I have heard that some people find it helpful, but I had a few sessions recently with a bereavement organisation after losing my mum and I did not find this to be the case for me. I found the counsellor a bit too “chatty” and I often felt like I was interrupting her. I also didn’t find her suggestions, e.g. writing a letter to mum, doing something for Mother’s Day, meeting up with relatives I haven’t seen for years, very helpful. I didn’t feel I was getting to discuss the reasons for going to them - guilt regarding certain things, how to manage the rest of my life without mum etc. I am wondering if I would be better having more long term counselling (the organisation only offers 6 sessions) where I would have more time to discuss things and get to the root of my issues.

I have also wondered whether religious bereavement counselling with our local vicar may help in addition to/instead of the above, as probably the biggest thing I am struggling with is whether I will see mum again after I die. I know this is something I am not likely to get help with through normal bereavement counselling, as they are unlikely to share their religious views.

I would like to hear about others’ views/experiences.

I am currently seeing a bereavement counsellor. She basically listens to what I say and summarises it back to me and makes observations. She helps me figure out my thinking. I sometimes find her seriously annoying, as she has a tendency to say 'i sense you're upset/angry/anxious' and it makes me want to laugh as it's like seeing some sort of rubbish psychic. But I like the opportunity to speak to someone.

I would try someone else. Can you afford to pay for someone? I'm seeing someone through a charity and I have 20 sessions, so I feel fortunate.

@Galaxyrippleforever

Thank you for your reply. I can’t really justify paying privately at the moment as I am still on sick leave from work and only getting sick pay, but it is something I am thinking about doing when I do go back.

Do you mind me asking which charity you use? All the ones I have looked at only offer 6 sessions.

I had one session after my brother died and never went back for a second. I think I thought it was what you were supposed to go and do (a lot of people suggested it) but it did nothing for me - I don’t think I needed it.
I just don’t know what the point of it was (still not completely sure to be honest). I had had counselling before, so not anti counselling and I’ve dealt with people who have had it and found it useful. I just remember leaving the session feeling so dreadful, so misunderstood and like I’d not said anything ‘right’. It’s hard to explain. Interestingly my mum had about 4 sessions and decided that was enough.
I did have CBT about 12 months later though as I was really struggling, which was really helpful. Also much clearer in its agenda, I’m still not sure whether the bereavement counselling was supposed to be about me or my brother.
How long ago did your mum pass away? I think your idea about exploring other support is really good and I hope it offers you what you are looking for.

When my mother died I spoke at length with the local, male vicar. I am not at all religious but found him truly wonderful. He listened and knew exactly what to say to me. I know that some people find CRUSE beneficial but I know personally one of their counsellors and she wouldn’t be for me.

I had bereavement counselling after my dd died.
At first, I didn't want counselling I was completely numb and I was also 7 months pregnant when my dd died.
I started counselling 6 months after she died. At first, all I would do is cry all through the session. It was very painful to talk about what had happened(my dd was murdered) I actually found counselling very hard.
I attended counselling for 12/18 months.

I also received help from my local parish priest. He was someone I could talk with easily. I did attend Mass regularly before but after dd died I spent more time in the chapel.
DH didn't receive any counselling we both grieved very differently.

I had a few counselling sessions after very suddenly losing my brother. I found it mixed, I was in an angry distraught phase so a large part of me was aggravated by this woman who I assumed had no idea about the extent of the suffering I was enduring talking to me about it. But on the other hand, the sessions were helpful in that just talking about everything, getting it all off my chest and crying my eyes out did help. I always felt a little lighter afterwards. Only had a few sessions though.

I was devastated when my parents died six months apart. Despite being a trained Cruse counsellor, it never occurred to me to have grief counselling. I wasn’t stuck and I know enough about grief to know that there aren’t any short cuts, it’s a process that has to be bourne until you come through the other side.

I think a lot of people see it as something to be fixed and it doesn’t work like that. The wisest words anyone ever said to me are “You don’t get over it, you get used to it”. Talking does help but it doesn’t have to be to a counsellor - any one with empathy and good listening skills would be able to help.

I had bereavement counselling after my mum died, my best friend. The counsellor talked a lot about how he used to do my job and when I told him my dad, brother and I were mum's life, he responded with how sad that was. We were a very close family with lots of friends but we all still came first for her, much the same as I am now. He lacked empathy and I never went back to him. I tried to see another counsellor but she talked to me with her eyes closed which irritated me! I'm definitely an advocate of counselling but you need to find the right qualified person.

@ParkheadParadise

I’m so sorry about your dd.

I think a combination of longer term counselling and religious support may be beneficial for me, as I am really struggling with the loss, although I can appreciate it is not the same as losing your child.

I've worked for a bereavement counselling service and the church so I have spoken to thousands of people grieving and all I can really say is that everyone is different.

Your local church is there for you, they will not judge and will listen but they are not specifically trained in counselling (myself apart, that's chance) so they can't offer the technical side of counselling.

Bereavement charities are very good but like many things in life they only have so many resources so tend to direct them to specific areas - we counselled children who lost a parent (up to 21) and parents who lost their child (any age but generally younger) - we hated doing this but funding bodies only funded "unusual" bereavement situations rather than the more "normal" situation of loosing your parents as an adult for instance. They differ in criteria so ask, 6 sessions is typical unless very complex eg murder.

I'm really sorry for your loss, in the first instance do call by your local church for a quiet space - to anyone else reading you do not need to be religious or have attended, I will sit with anyone

@Mbear

I’ve heard about CBT but am not quite sure how it works or how to go about it. Can you please explain?

My mum died just over 4 months ago, so I suppose it is still early days.

I had suicide bereavement counselling but only had 3 of the 6 sessions. Just found it not so useful. The counsellors have all been through suicide themselves but suicide I think is particular to that individual family. Last conversations, things you wish you'd said, their struggle. I preferred to talk to people that knew him.

@Mushypeasandchipstogo

Yes I have looked at Cruse, but unfortunately they do not offer a service in my area.

I have found the best people to speak to are others that have experienced a similar situation.
For example l found the Widowed and Young forum much more helpful than a bereavement counsellor who has not experianced the death of a spouse. I actually read about a bereavement counsellor who said she felt like she wanted to apologise to all her previous clients before she had a devastating loss, as before she was simply reading what she had been taught in a textbook, where as the reality was very different.
I am very sorry for your loss and hope you find much support.

I found the first few sessions shallow and pointless but we actually got really deep eventually. In my case, I got out what I put in. E.g to start with I just said I feels sad, exhausted and traumatised but a few sessions in I was really unpacking the deeper stuff like resentment, anger, guilt, unresolved issues etc.

The problem with grief is there's no easy way through it. Feeling guilt is a natural part of the grieving process. No counsellor can take that from you and reassurances that you have no need to feel any guilt are pointless because you know that with your brain but you have to come to that acceptance in your heart yourself. Most people that lose someone don't need a counsellor. They just need time to come to terms with the loss and learn to live a new normal. It's 7 years since my dad died and I still feel the loss of him and cry. But you can't supercharge the process to move it on. I appreciate you might have has a different relationship than I had and so your issues might be more affecting.

When my dad died, his close friend, a vicar actually, gave his eulogy, and I had the opportunity to ask him about the afterlife. Or at least his version of it. My dad believed we would all see each other again and hearing his friend talk about it, did make things more comforting. It's definitely worth pursuing. The friend has since died and I like to think of them sat round the pool of the hotel in Tenerife where they all used to meet up every year, having a drink and putting the world to rights. I can feel myself tearing up but no counsellor can really put that right, it's just a natural human reaction and your way dealing with it and going through it will be different from other people's.
I'm very sorry for your loss and I wish you all the best as you move forward.

[quote Poppy04]@Mushypeasandchipstogo

Yes I have looked at Cruse, but unfortunately they do not offer a service in my area.[/quote]
Hi Poppy

Atm Cruse are still mostly operating over zoom and telephone so it may be worth popping a call or email to your nearest service as they may be able to help you anyway. Or at least signpost you to a more local service?

A lot of hospices offer counselling sessions too but it does depends on each service whether you need to have direct experiences with them or not

I am very sorry for your loss. And as already said... You don't get over it... You just turn to live with it

@Poppy04

Hi Op,
So when I did CBT many years ago, it was sort ‘sold’ to me as a way of dealing with my current thoughts and behaviours and therefore coping mechanisms. I think the basis is that these are not currently working for you and it’s all feeding back into not feeling so great. It got you looking at your negative thoughts and then evidence for those thoughts - ie there isn’t any as you are continually going down a sort of catastrophising route. Also getting seeing the connections between doing something (like going out for a walk) and how you felt afterwards - hopefully you feel better than sitting on the sofa for an hour. This is a really reductive, simplistic explanation, but it made me understand it. CBT (again when I did it) was not ‘concerned’ about what has brought you to this place, so I’m not sure I even spoke about my brothers passing at all to anyone in the group - so from that point of view it maybe isn’t suited to everyone as perhaps there is no resolution or closure?
I would say that it really was at least 12 months (maybe even 18 months) that I did this.
I think you’ve lost your mum very, very recently and maybe it’s all a bit too soon. Grief is such a personal and lonely journey as no one had the same relationship with the person that died as you. Talking to others can be very helpful. I was on a sibling loss group for a while, but in the end I needed to leave. I know how awful this sounds, but it was just too depressing for me to stay. Other people needed to keep talking. I didn’t. All different. No one wrong.

Check out the good grief trust. They run free peer to peer support groups across the country.

My mums friend joined a bereavement support group and found she preferred it to one to one counselling. Everyone is different. I think what is important is having someone to talk to. I read a book called something like 'when bad things happen to good people' It was written by a Jewish Rabbi. I found that really comforting.

You might like to look up The Grief Recovery Method. ( google will get you there ). It's a supported programme if about 7 sessions and leads you through a process. There is also a book you can get. I did it about three years after my ( grown up ) son died. I found it very useful. I liked the fact that it was finite. I could talk and talk and talk about my son. This focussed my thoughts. As much as anything I feel like I have done the best for myself ( and my other children as they still need a mum, and I still need them) I still get teary. Of course I do, and I always will. As a pp says, you don't get over it, you get used to it. I will always be grateful to have had him in my life for as long as I did.

Try the grief recovery method. It might help you too.

I had CBT and found it utterly useless as I was finding things overwhelming and having CBT just didn’t work for me and they suggested CRUSE. I am still on the waiting list for proper sessions however have had an assessment which I found really helpful. Knowing that the person on the other end of the phone understood really helped me. Could be worth a try?

I was encouraged to go for this counselling after my DF suddenly died when I was 23 or so by my boss whose wife was a bereavement counsellor (not with her). I didn't want to go to this as I'd had therapy before and had stopped it when I was 21.

When I was 33 my best friend ended her life after a period of mental illness and this combined with other factors led me to see therapists who sort of focussed on bereavement counselling but also other factors.

Then I went about 10 years was being bullied at work, had to stay but saw a counsellor and suddenly the bereavement counselling side cropped up then. I didn't dwell on it but brought it to the therapy sessions on a few sessions and actually it really helped me. I hadn't allowed myself to move on properly from these deaths and I also was feeling like the deaths were awful (which they were). But because I'd had traumatic experiences I hated going to funerals as I could get hysterical (couldn't control this) and I really didn't want to do this again. The therapist helped me and when my step-grandmother died around that time I was so relieved that I wasn't hysterical!

The religious bereavement counselling might help you.

I would say this, you won't always click with all therapists and all counsellors and it's ok, you don't have to click with them or agree to want to do everything they suggest. If you're not happy with it, don't do it!

Sorry for your loss too.

A book which DM has and lent to me which has been useful is The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. That might be helpful to you.

I would say, just in case you're tempted to do this. Be careful if you find yourself contacting mediums/spiritualist churches etc.

I've been to a spiritualist church a couple of times with friends but it was a bit upsetting to see a couple of desperately unhappy people sitting there, waiting for signs, not getting any, yet being welcomed into the church, and I personally feel it did them more harm than good.