I'm not sad that my dad died, I'm also confused about the stories he used to tell

[ilovemycatsomuch]

As the title states;

I'm not sad that my dad died recently. He had a short period of severe illness and I helped take care of him. He was a good man in many ways....as in he worked hard etc. The thing is that for my whole life, everything was all about him. He expected his wife and daughters to take care of him. He and other people would argue that he was a good father and he loved me very much. I suppose he did in a way, but I was always aware that he knew nothing about me. He always wanted to talk about himself all the time . In a way I suppose he was looking for love and validation. He obviously had some emotional health problems. But this translated into hours and hours and hours of having to sit and listen to him talking on and on and on about himself. My mother adored him and found felt that it wasn't his fault and he needed to be taken care of and it was our duty to do that.

Some of my siblings are devastated by his death. A couple of them seem unaffected. I personally feel a massive sense of freedom and relief. I'm in my 40s. I didn't hate him, and I'm very surprised by my feelings. I know I won't miss him because even though I know he cared about me in his own way.... he knew nothing about my life and wasn't someone I would have a normal father daughter relationship with (I would not look to him for guidance or support or even enjoyment). It was always about him.....even when I was a small child I had to accept his sometimes very abusive behaviour....because it wasn't his fault.

I actually supported him and cared for him as he died. I was there holding his hand and reassuring him as he took his final breath.

But I know for sure that I haven't and won't miss him. I feel such an immense sense of freedom that he is no longer alive. I feel so guilty about my thoughts and feelings.

Googled loads but haven't found anything I can relate to. Anyone else ever experienced this??

I didn't and still don't feel anything about my mother's death. My relationship with her is totally different from what you describe with your father but I think I still get what you mean.
Indifferent? Is that the best word?
I still feel incredibly guilty three years on. And would never in a million years voice my feelings to her husband or my siblings.
But I have to fake it when my sister sends me broken heart emojis on birthdays/anniversaries.
I've felt appalling grief at other bereavements so I know I'm not made of stone.
I just wanted to post to reassure you that you're not alone in your reaction.

@Weatherwax13 thank you very very much for your reply

@Weatherwax13 I felt I had to fake it at my dads funeral. It was really hard to constantly remember that I need to look sad. It was hard when people hugged me and told me how sad they were for me. When I wasn't sad. I just felt free.

My Dad had bi-polar and he also was very self centered. It could be confusing as I wasn't sure if his behavior was down to his personality or his illness. He also talked about himself and brought all subjects back to himself. He was also oblivious to his children emotional lives and we felt he didn't know us at all. When he died of a heart attack and was surprised that I suddenly burst into tears when I heard but found my biggest reaction was relief.

@parchedjanuary @OrangeSanPel yes I completely get it. I had a terrible relationship with my mother. She really tried to make up for it in her last years.
But the damage from the abuse was too severe, although I kept the peace for everyone's sake and tried to be gracious. So none of them know.
She had a really disgracefully handled death by the medical team and I felt so awful for her suffering.
And once she died I did feel so grateful that her pain and fear were over. But nothing else.

I loved my dad, put him on a pedestal I suppose. When he died it was a good time for it to happen - his health was poor and he didn't have anything to look forward to, as he said.

I don't think I was indifferent to his death, but I wasn't upset at all. There really isn't any need for you to feel guilty - there is no set pattern that we are all supposed to follow when our parents die. There is no "normal" for things like this. Just accept your feelings, be kind to yourself, and move on.

You are certainly not alone. When I mention my father has passed people look with such pity and I find it quite hard to remember to fake the correct response. I did not hate him and he wasn't a bad man but he was difficult and I felt relief when he died. I've grieved for the parents I wish I'd had. I'm pretty sure I'll be the same when my abusive mother dies. I see friends broken when their parents die and think they are so lucky to have had caring relationships with them. As a pp said, I know it's not that I'm made of stone as I would and have been devastated at other losses. This includes my pets which seems ridiculous compared to actual parents.

My situation is different because my relationships with the people I've lost were good but I certainly recognise the indifferent feeling, the sense of relief and the guilt those feelings invoke. In my case both people were 'gone' long before they died (major strokes) and I suppose I had grieved them already but it still felt/feels wrong that their loss affected me so little.

I think I will feel this way about my dad though when the time comes, for similar reasons to you OP. I can appreciate the good bits of him and show him kindness while he's alive but I won't miss him when he's gone and know there will be that sense of relief. Those feelings are clearly not abnormal from the responses you've had here so I suggest we both try to skip the guilt about it, we feel this way for a reason

My experience has been similar and I think it's completely 'normal' to feel relieved and then guilty. My Dad was an alcoholic, had done some pretty awful things and was also a complete narcissist and fantasist. Like you, we had to listen to hours of ramblings and it was always about him.

I worked hard to try and forgive him and be nice to him in the years before his death knowing it was only a matter of time before he drank himself into the grave and not wanting to have any regrets.

The thing that suprises me is the mix of emotions I have experienced since. I thought I had done all the grieving years ago but it still catches me at strange times. I have felt relieved, indifferent, sad, angry, and guilty in varying degrees since he died. The thing that's helped me most is kindness meditation on headspace. Wine also helps but trying to moderate that for obvious reasons

I don't feel sad about my Dad's death. I cried at his funeral, but apart from that, nothing. I wonder sometimes if something is wrong with me, or if it will flood in at some point, but it's been four years now. I liked him a lot when he was alive, but now that he's dead I realise that he was emotionally distant, and I'm angry with him for not giving me the love i needed growing up. We got on really well, but looking back on it, it's almost like we were friends. Although I would probably miss a good friend more than I do him! It's very odd.

My brother died several years ago, and I was devastated by that, so I know what grief can feel like, but with my Dad, it's just not there. I too was with him alone when he died. It wasn't sad, just very strange. I really don't understand it.

in short, you're not alone OP.

OP, I read your post carefully but I don't think you're my sister fudging some details! I did wonder!

I lost my Dad a few years ago now, and he wasn't a bad man, there wasn't any malice in him and he tried to do the right thing, but like yours, he was noticeably self-absorbed and seemed to have very little interest in my life or how (or who!) I was.
He'd had a fairly loveless childhood, so I tried to accept him for who he was. But when he passed away I was sad - but just sad -, and mourned that we didn't have the close, affectionate relationship that I would have liked.

I miss him from time to time - where we had things in common we could have interesting conversations, as long as it didn't get too personal. I saw someone that for a moment I mistook for him, the other day.

But... I wasn't grief-stricken the way I was when my FiL - a dear, kind man - died (I wept every day for months and couldn't see his photo without bursting into tears).

It it what it is OP - please don't feel bad about it. TBH it sounds like you had as good a relationship as you reasonably could. He's not in need or suffering now (and you were there for him when he was). Let him and your memories of him rest peacefully, and go live your life with a clear conscience and an easy heart.