Lovely father in law suddenly died, think I'm selfishly a bit traumatised

[Reluctantadult]

My father in law died suddenly on Tuesday morning. I got to the house, mother in law was sitting the kitchen, 4 paramedics were upstairs doing cpr with no output. They asked to stop. I had to tell mil and ring my husband and his sister and tell them. They were coming but there had been a road accident and traffic was at a standstill so they couldn't get through. I'm having a bit of a pity party right now on my own trying to do my work but crying. My husband has stayed with his mum quite rightly. I've been there too in between work and our children. Don't know what I'm doing just thought I'd do the modern equivalent of write it down.

It’s not at all selfish to feel shocked and saddened by this, the circumstances where awful and you have a relationship with your FIL yourself not just as your DH’s wife.

Selfish would be taking to your bed and wailing while making your DH pick up the slack. Feelings of grief and trauma are not selfish, only actions are

I’m so sorry for your loss xx

Thanks.

You ARE traumatized. Why are you feeling selfish? Own your feelings, do not question or minimize them. This is dreadful thing for all of you - do you think that as a DIL you have no right to grieve? ... that as a fellow human being who has been witness to a very traumatic event you do not have the right to be sad and shocked?

Well done for being there to support your MIL and for supporting your OH in all he has to do now for his mother. Please feel free to grieve - it is very sad and I am very sorry that you have lost a loved one and also had to be part of such a traumatic incident.

Your reaction is totally normal, OP. Something similar happened at my work, except that the person who died was a complete stranger yet we were all very shaken by it. It's shocking to witness, plus you've also lost a family member, please be gentle with yourself .

You poor thing, that must have been so upsetting for you. You held it together while you supported your MIL and DH and SIL and now you're on your own you're catching up with your emotions. Can you take the rest of the day off work, are your employers good in these circumstances? I'm sure your GP would give you a sick note until after the funeral if needed.

Thank you everyone. It's strangely helpful being able to speak to strangers on the Internet. It's not always a nest of vipers on here I well know.

What you experienced is trauma, loss and grief. You are slightly less affected than his children and his wife but affected significantly none the less.

There is something about a spiral of support where you reach outwards for support and offer support inwards where the centre of the spiral is those closest to the trauma. Your MIL will reach to her children for support, they will reach to their partners and friends and maybe you will need to find your own support either here on line or with your own real life friends. Your needs are just as valid as those further in on the spiral.