How do you remember/honor people you have lost?

[riverpebbles]

I lost my sister to suicide recently. The funeral is in a couple of weeks. I'm thinking about all the occasions she won't be there for in the future, like Christmas, and thinking we'll raise a glass to her. I'm thinking about her birthday and the anniversary of her death, and how to mark those. I'm thinking maybe I'll light a candle for her on some occasions.

Just wondering what you all do.

I'm so sorry for your loss, @riverpebbles. That must be incredibly hard.

Raising a glass on special occasions I do. Also, if local, putting flowers and a letter on their grave. I also reach out to others who loved them, so that we are sharing that love despite their loss.

I find myself spending the days before any anniversaries thinking of them, remembering special moments and speaking to them on my walks. Once the day has passed, it feels a bit better, but the before and on bit are still difficult.

Every tear is a memory of love, so let them fall.

im sorry for your loss, that must still be very raw and painful for you.

sorry if this isn't the message you were hoping forth is, and this is Completely personal to me, but I don't / try not to.

I used to.. but found it does little but bring more focus to sadness and loss for me and doesn't ultimately change anything. so I focus on celebrating life with those who are still here rather than thinking too much of those who aren't (the thoughts do creep in of course but I wouldn't make a focus of it on specific day).

Talk about them.
To me it is important that my family and I continue to talk about the people we have lost, their stories, their quirks. And that they are talked about as normal conversation, not just in memorial.

I'm really sorry River.

I lost a family member to suicide too and know how it feels.

At Christmas and on their birthday I plant trees for them as a lasting legacy. I know you can do it through the National Trust, but I've found a more local one where we can walk and see the saplings as they grow.

We also have their favourite meal and talk about them.

I light candles too.

There's a good online support network called The Compassionate Friends (TCF)
that might be useful.

Thank you so much everyone.

I do understand about not wanting to necessarily dwell (or wallow) on those who have gone. I don't think that is wrong. But I think I personally need some sort of 'thing' to do or look forward to as a way of not being overwhelmed by the enormity of it.

At the moment I'm just doing lots of helpful things because there is so much to do and my mum isn't really coping, but soon that will stop and I will have a reaction and then I will need some other peg to hang it on, iyswim.

We are planting a tree on her grave on her birthday in the autumn so that is perfect.

And for the sake of my kids we will need to not just pretend their aunt never existed, so raising a glass a d talking about her naturally are all good things.

Grief is a funny old thing. For me it’s about making time in my head to think about that person. To smile and to cry about them, depending on what feels right.

It’s very private to me, and sometimes saying or doing anything just feels trite. I find it very difficult to “share” griefy moments with others and find it more meaningful to let my own thoughts come and go.

Hard to explain really.

So very sorry for your loss OP, you will find the right way for you.

I find the birthdays the most bittersweet, but the day where I can privately reflect the most.

We did used to get some cake in but the kids find it weird now they are a bit older.

So again rather than dealing with them not getting it, plus the pressure of sustaining a regular thing year after year and getting the guilts if I can’t make it happen for whatever reason, I’m most happiest with my own memories and letting myself feel the bond that will always be there.

Of course we talk about our loved one, quite a lot, but more when they come up organically in that moment.

But you will just go with what’s right for you, and that will be the most perfect way.

I keep my grandpas cracked bone China teacup on a shelf on the bookcase that only I would notice whilst sitting on my favourite bit of the sofa. I’m so sorry for your loss x

A friend was very environmentally conscious. I make a lot of choices that are different to my first impulse thinking of him, probably weekly if not daily.

I’m so sorry for your loss. It must be incredibly difficult.

I lost my Dad quite suddenly and I feel I remember by talking about him. Like previous poster said not just in a memorial type way just like I normally spoke before. Sometimes I just speak in present tense it just comes out that way: my husband often Speaks of him that way too. I never want to not be able to mention him.

Another thing I read is “be the things you miss most about those who are gone” my dad had so so much time for everyone. He was almost like a mr roger type character . Anyway I really try to give ppl time. Also at times when I am really struggling I think I have to get on and live life as best as I can coz he isn’t able to. Not everyone gets to be old so live it up !

I do take flowers to where his ashes r on bday n Xmas etc but I prefer the everyday ways of honouring him

X

I light a candle in a local Abbey or in our pretty village Church for my beloved Ma and Pa.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
The most important thing is that whatever you do is something that genuinely helps you rather than someone else's idea of how you ought to be grieving. You might want to mark a particular anniversary - or to forget the day altogether and remember them some other way. And it's ok to get angry - with your sister, with the world - as part of the healing process.
There's a pretty good book about sibling suicide called "An Empty Chair".

Lots of good suggestions here already, and I'm so sorry for your loss. It's my Dad's anniversary tomorrow and we'll go to where his ashes are, but mostly he is still in our day to day conversations. Both Mum and I have memorial plaques in our garden - hers on their favourite bench, mine by my outdoor bar - and I find being able to sit there and have a chat with him if I want to very comforting.

At Christmas, birthdays, other special days we all (extended family) raise a toast to our various lost loved ones, and I sometimes also write him letters, which I keep in a box on one of my bookshelves.

And I tell stories of his life and our family memories, and do my best to live a full, happy life I love and am proud of and which is on my terms - which is what he wanted when he was here, too.

Sending you

I've lost a son to suicide
My only advice is do what you instinctively feel like.
Not anything you think you Should.
Rituals genuinely help some folk, others like me, find them actively triggering.
I'm deeply sorry for your loss. Do whatever you need to take care of yourself.
It doesn't matter what you do as long as it feels right for you.
@ItsOnlyWordsInnit is bang on the money IMO

Usually when passing a graveyard sometimes I think about x person that passed, and then carry on, as it's the best I can do, I tell myself depending on the person it's a pitty they are not with use among the living, but that it is what it is, and without a time machine, then life goes on. I know that may sound cold, but it's how I keep my emotional restraints intact, so to speak.

Everyone is different but for me I just think about what I'd do if my mum was still here and then I do it. So it's Mother's Day coming up and it's my first without her. If she was here, I'd be cooking up a huge roast and there would be meringue for pudding (her favourite) so this Mother's Day, I'll be doing the same and just trying to honour her in the 'doing'.

Also, my advice would be to try and not think too far ahead. I lost my mum suddenly last year and at first I was overwhelmed by all the 'what will we do when it's....(insert occasion here) thoughts. I had to just ride through each day as best as I could and try not to think any further ahead than that.

You are in the earliest stages of a very traumatic loss and trite though it sounds, 'a day at a time' is often a good approach.

I’m so sorry for your loss. My best friend died when we were 28. I panicked like anything about all the things only us two knew about. That I’d have nobody to ask to remind me if I forgot anything.
I never forgot anything that mattered. She’s still with me now at significant and normal times. The loss isn’t as intense, but I still think of her automatically, for example when I just turned 50, and then on her 50th.
I put a decoration on our Christmas tree for her every year. Have a toast on her birthday. But these are things that have naturally evolved, and they just happen and her existence totally carries on for me.
I know she’s gone. But I never forget she was here. And as each occasion occurs, I find my way of dealing with it. (Eg on her 50th, I drank Moët and watched dirty dancing our fave movie).
I know I haven’t answered your question directly, but I remember the rawness of the first months vividly 22 years on, and just wanted to offer some reassurance / reality of how things might be over time.
I hope you and your family find some peace.

Remember them, tho we would choose to time warp them, when the reality is different.
My parents were killed together rta, I never had the nursing home stuff, tho they became frail and myDad had Parkinson’s .
My brothers and I just remember them as things come up

I'm so sorry. I just followed my heart and did what I felt I needed to. I haven't done much on anniversaries except go to visit the grave, though I have learned now after 4 years to take the anniversary of the death off work as I'm not much good to anyone around that time. I sometimes light candles, sometimes read things that matter to me, ring surviving family, post a memory on FB (I'm thinking I'll stop doing that now).

Thank you so much, everyone. I'm sorry for all your losses, and glad you have found ways that work for you. I know I'll find my own way too, but thank you for lots of lovely ideas.

Lost my Dad in Nov, and my Gran (his mum) last month. I raise a glass to them, talk about them, and think about them. I've still got the order of service from myDad's funeral in my office, along with a handful of photos, and I look at those too.

And I'm really sorry OP. That must be really hard.

I’m so sorry, OP.
I really miss buying my favourite person a birthday and Christmas present, so I now buy a present for someone who needs a boost on her birthday and at Christmas. It’s so true that grief is love with nowhere to go. It helps to redirect that love a bit.

I'm sorry for your loss OP .

My brother died (different circumstances). These days I mark the anniversery by buying myself a present, nothing massive, just a bit of self-kindness. It's what I'd want him to do if it was me who had died.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

We lost a family member a couple of years ago. He wasn't much of a one for birthdays and I don't think would have liked us making a big deal over the anniversary of his death, but we like to remember him by visiting his favourite places to walk and camp, and every time I'm by the sea I will think of him. Was there anywhere your sister particularly liked to go, or anything she liked to do or introduced you to?

I think it might actually make it easier for me if I did have a little ritual on his birthday, this year I burst into tears in front of a colleague which was embarrassing!