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Bereavement

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How often should friends check in on the bereaved?

17 replies

lboogy · 07/03/2022 14:43

My friend lost her husband last week. How often do I check in? I'm worried calling every day may become annoying but I'm really not sure what to do? She has family with her and a wider neighbor hood network. I'm at least an hour drive away..

OP posts:
lemongreentea · 07/03/2022 14:47

a very close friend I would message daily or every other day and call but check to see if they wanted to speak.

a less close friend once a week

lboogy · 07/03/2022 19:13

Thank you

OP posts:
MMMarmite · 07/03/2022 19:22

It so much depends on your pattern of friendship normally, I'd take that as a basis and increase the frequency a lot.

You can always just ask her. "I'll call again tomorrow, unless you need a bit more space, in which case I could do Wednesday?" Or send messages to check in and offer calls if she'd like.

LoveFall · 07/03/2022 19:46

Can you drop off some little food item once or twice a week, in addition to text etc.? I really had difficulty getting my act together to cook or shop when both my parents died in the same week.

Something nice like a chocolate croissant or muffin that she can have with a cup of tea or coffee. She may be more tempted by something sweet and easy to eat.

taeglas · 07/03/2022 22:27

lboogy what a lovely thoughtful friend you are.

My husband died last summer. I am so grateful for the kindness of neighbours and friends. Messages initially may be easier than phone calls. I read them all even if I couldn't or didn't always reply.

After a few weeks when family returned home and people backed away, I really appreciate a close friend who turned up with a bag of well chosen treats on my wedding anniversary.

I also had a close friend who called to check on me every few days often with pastries and occasionally flowers and another friend who met up for a walk and a coffee.

I was touched by my next door neighbour who turned up with home cooked food and another neighbour on two occasions with freshly baked bread. This was not directly after he died but in a month or so after. Their thoughtfulness really helped.

Don't ask her do you need any shopping done, as she will probably say no as it is often too hard to think what you really need. However a hamper/box of food/things she really likes would be much appreciated. My work colleagues made me a hamper of tea/coffee and food treats. They had added food from where I originally come from which my children as well as I were grateful for.

Above all listen if she wants to talk. Talking helps even if it makes her upset. Sometimes friends are easier to talk to than family as they are grieving too. If you can help sometimes with practical things in the days moving forward this may also help.

MrsSugar · 07/03/2022 22:46

When my father died very suddenly and unexpectedly a close friend of mine would send me a little heart everyday and message every other day or if I replied she would message back. I think that is prob a reasonable thing to do ? She also crocheted me a little cotton heart and I kept wringing n rubbing my hands and the were raw so I could rub that instead. Bless her she’s just the kindest soul I’m very lucky x

Avocadobacardi · 07/03/2022 22:52

Someone sent me a message most days. She was a friend but not a close one and it really pissed me off. I ignored, I didn’t have the head to speak or contact anyone other than my closest friends and I didn’t want to make small talk with any one other than my closest friends. I’m a right old misery , people all wanted to cook for me and I really don’t like eating other peoples food in my own house so I didn’t really appreciate that either. What o did appreciate was meeting friends for coffee and a few low key nights out, I didn’t want people coming over where I felt an obligation to entertain them. Picking up from school was also appreciated as I didn’t have the head for small talk in the playground

MostlyOk · 08/03/2022 00:29

I think everyone is different but in those first few weeks, I really appreciated the daily 'check ins' of a few close friends. Guess it depends on how close you are as friends really. If you're good buddies, then I think a daily check is fine but text is probably less intrusive. Also, grief is utterly exhausting and she'll no doubt be getting lots of other messages/calls too. For me, the nicest ones where people just messaged to say 'I'm thinking & praying for you. No need to reply'. It took all the pressure of but also made me feel loved.

ShineTogether · 08/03/2022 00:59

As PP said, being there after the initial flurry of well wishing has subsided is important

Weatherwax13 · 08/03/2022 01:17

It'll be a month or so down the line when she'll really start to need support. Folk start drifting away after the funeral. And the bereaved person's shock and adrenaline starts to wear off.
If you feel able, that's the time to ask her outright "would you like me to check in regularly, or would you prefer to call me yourself and we can speak when you feel you want to? I want to do what helps you so please be absolutely honest "
Of course idk the nature of your relationship but I wish someone had done this after my son died.
Most people drifted away pdq which is sadly very common.
The other extreme was the couple of people who would frankly pester me with msgs every day. And if I didn't reply wld then keep ringing. And made unexpected visits. Ugh.
That felt really intrusive.
I'm not sure which was harder to bear!
Not a single person actually asked me what I needed from them..
I would have been so touched by an honest question from just one person who cared enough to ask even if they were nervous about raising it.

Weatherwax13 · 08/03/2022 01:26

I can't get the bloody link to work, but weirdly there's a thread at the top of Active Threads about a Q and A on partner bereavement by an author who's written an acclaimed book on the loss of a life partner/spouse specifically and also how people around the bereaved can better understand what they're experiencing.
Do have a look.

lboogy · 08/03/2022 04:46

Thanks everyone. I wouldn't call her a best friend but we got closer as we have children the same age. She called and told me the day after it happened so she must see me as important enough to tell me.

I'm devastated for her and haven't stopped crying about it tbh. I just want to do what will help. All these suggestions really help so thanks everyone again

OP posts:
Monty27 · 08/03/2022 05:07

OP you sound lovely. I'm sorry you're so upset too. 💐

writergirl747474 · 19/03/2022 07:38

When my mum died last year one of my friends sent messages like "Thinking of you, here if you need me. No need to reply" - takes the pressure off the bereaved thinking they have to reply to every message.

whythewait · 19/04/2022 11:38

I lost my Mum just before Christmas and people that just checked in with me everyday/ couple of days were a total saviour. Just to know people cared helped me through, especially those that continued in the weeks after when most people had moved on. It wasn’t until this happened to me that I realised how much people need support- not in an over bearing turning up every day kind of way- but just a text to say thinking of you really makes all the difference x

Magnoliayellowbird · 19/04/2022 11:44

It's great that you are concerned, but someone once said to me that although people were very sympathetic and kind in the beginning, they just left it there and didn't realize that the grieving friend still felt just as bad, months later.
Please check up on your friend, intermittently, during the next few months.

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