For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (March 2022) )

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4352163-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-September-2021

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

Thanks @Badger1970 unfortunately we are all in the same boat. Death is one of life’s certainties yet it’s so absolutely shocking and awful when it happens.

Had a moment in the local supermarket tonight.
They've moved things around and I was a bit lost. Turned the corner and there was a stand of Father's Day cards.
My mind automatically said 'oh you need to get a card for Dad'.
But I don't. He's not here.
Started crying and the poor lad on the self checkout didn't know what to make of the woman in her forties crying her eyes out.
Was a real take your breath away moment.

@Cocopogo just sitting with you and how you feel.

Tough day today this end.

8.5 weeks since Dad passed. Hitting me more now.

I'm already getting emails about Father's Day.

Absolutely dreading it this time

Haven't posted in here for a few weeks, I've gone from feeling ok to sad the last few days. It's been 12 weeks now since my Dad passed. Last night I found a video of him I'd forgotten all about the set me off. I've been dreaming about him a lot and I feel like he's around me, I've been finding lots of random feathers and that somehow comforts me.

My poor mum is just lost and I wish I could do something more to help her.

I've been getting the Father's Day emails and it's like a kick in the teeth. I just want my kind, lovely dad here

@Sohereitissuddenly sorry you’ve had a tough day, me too. Some days it just feels like it isn’t getting easier just getting worse. It’s hard to believe that only a few weeks ago I was chatting to my mum feels like so much longer.

@Bluemat I've got lots of voice mails on our landline phone from Dad, thankfully all from when he was well - I listened to a few and it broke me completely. I cried for hours, I so miss the sound of his voice. That silence is just horrendous. I think feeling sad is my norm now too - it's not that awful raw grief thank good, but just a bit like carrying a dark cloud with you everywhere. You're always in the shadows and not the sunlight. I'm sorry your Mum is struggling - it's so hard to support when you're not feeling strong yourself either

I have found some videos of my dad since he died from a few years ago.
For the first few months I watched them multiple times a day.
I still watch them occasionally. It's been almost 8 months now and this is the first month when we got to the 5th and I forgot it was another month since dad had died and that felt very strange.
Can't believe I'll never see him again and I just keep thinking he was to young at 66 to die. Not that it makes any easier at any age. My dads mum is 89 and still alive and they was so close it breaks my heart she tells people she can't come to terms with losing a son

Am feeling very sad tonight and feel the need to post here
My Dad died suddenly in October of a heart attack, he was 61, I was 28. I thought I have been doing OK and distracting myself but have found myself thinking constantly about him again the last few days

I loved him so much and would class us as very close - so why oh why when he was alive, we only spoke on my weekly visit (OK I was there pretty much 4 /5 hrs) but I'm beating myself up for not appreciating him whilst he was here, and not talking to him on the phone more :(

@Namechange1377

Guilt is a big part of grief i found that i felt incredibly guilty about not giving my mum enough of my time or patience. It takes quite a long time to let go of that guilt but it does faid in time. Similar to yourself i was very close to my mum and visited her every week but sometimes i would get annoyed at her phone calls i feel awful about that but my mum used to call me quite a lot and sometimes i was tired and just couldn't wait to get off the phone. It sounds really bad i know but there were two sides i also without fail visited every week and planned family meals and holidays to include mum but when you are in the throws of early grief you only see the negative or i did anyway and you punish yourself about this. Eventually tho i let this feeling go and gave myself a break from the self punishment. I tell myself that my mum wouldn't want me being so hard on myself. I believe this to be true because i knew my mum so well and she knew me too. I love her and she loved me. In time you will let this guilt feeling go you need to heal a bit more which is no mean feat thats for sure. I lost my mum in March 2021 i miss her still every single day but it is less painful and i can cope better with the loss.

Take care.

I understand the guilt . I go and over and over the fact the night before he died I went home for a rest and the following morning I came back and He seemed so agitated and I hate that I left him that night still.
Dad died in October 2022 and we was very close . If he could talk to me he would be telling me to not give it a second thought but I can't help but think he wouldn't of left me.

My dd is 2 in a couple of weeks and today I was looking at photos and he was in one she said " nanny. Ben. Uncle. Mummy. And then " who's that " and pointed at my dad 😭. She has no memory of him.
My 7 year old will occasionally say she's sad about her grandad

@Namechange1377 I understand what you are saying and as other posters have pointed out guilt is a big part of grief. My Dad died 6 weeks ago from sepsis and despite me being a nurse and trying really hard to advocate for him his care was shit. He had a cardiac arrest on ITU with none of us there. I feel so so angry and guilty, he died alone and was in tremendous pain. I cannot let go of it yet.

My DH has an adult DD who is in her early 30s, she barely bothers with him. Does not contact him for months (last time was in March and that was only because it was her sons Birthday), it causes him a lot of pain that she never bothers and I often wonder how she would be if he were to die. You did see your Dad, we all have busy lives and we can all look back and say we wished we would have done more. I think it is part of grief and your Dad knew you loved him

I've now got a date for interring Dad's ashes, and it's a few days before fathers day. So we'll have a grave to visit that day, which oddly enough is very comforting.

I'm torn between relief that it'll all be finished and utter heartbreak that we're even having to do it. Grief really is a rollercoaster

@Badger1970

I go to visit my mum at the cemetery as often as i can it is somewhere to go. Somewhere to lay flowers and i sometimes light a candle for my mum as i have a metal lantern by her graveside. I hope that you will find some comfort when your dad finds his final resting place. I make sure my mums headstone is clean and her plot is tidy and she has fresh flowers regularly its the only thing thats left for me to do for her but at least i feel that am doing something and although its a very alien thought regarding where she is now i can still go to that place where she is there but i try not to think to much about the details as this is too upsetting. I think having somewhere to go does help fill the nothingness that they leave behind just a little (a very little). It sounds morbid but i have already said to my husband that i want to be buried next to mum. One day my dad will be there too hopefully not for a longtime but we actually bought the plot next to where mum is buried so that one day the whole family will be together again but yes lets hope that doesn't happen to any of us for a very long time.

I just wanted to share that you may find some comfort with a special place to visit. I think we need to take comfort in wherever we can find it, take care.

@Ttc42nearly43 that's a lovely post and brought tears to my eyes, thank you. I find Sundays really tough as those were my "dad days" - I'd do his shopping, clean his flat and spend a few hours drinking coffee and putting the world to rights with him. I just have this gaping chasm left especially after the intensity of his last 6 months of life, and I think it'll help to have somewhere to go and just sit quietly, leave flowers. My sister has been more than challenging throughout all of Dad's illness but she did say that she didn't need a resting place for him and wouldn't go there so I've been able to bring him back to the village where I live. The churchyard is by the river, and they lay memorial stones along the wall under some trees, so it's a lovely place.

I'm glad it's brought you comfort and I'm so hoping it will bring me that too.

Hi, sorry to barge in but you seem to be the people that might understand...

My mum died last summer after having a stroke and after 3 weeks in hospital. Previous to that my dad died 4 years ago from cancer. I spent the 3 years in between supporting my mum who just didn't see the point of living without my dad. It was very tough but now they're both gone I feel like I'm grieving for both of them.

In the meantime my sister has effectively disowned me. She always had issues with our mother and decided she needed to 'draw boundaries' and didn't help very much with mum which was hugely frustrating. Now she's left me to sort out all mum's property and probate issues too and I haven't seen her since Xmas. The counsellor I saw a few times concluded my sister had a 'victim complex' and that I needed to accept she was never going to be the supportive sister I might hope for. I'm trying to accept this but I find it really difficult, my sister seems to hate me and I'm really not sure what I've done to justify it. And I could really do with her to talk to as it feels like overnight all ties with my childhood and family have disappeared. She's waiting for the proceeds of probate then plans to move to the other end of the country. I really doubt that I'll see her again.

Also shortly after mum died, my DD left for uni and we found out my brother in law is a near death chronic alcoholic. Which has meant my DH running round looking after him.

I have lots of lovely friends and a nice life TBH, but I just feel like it's not really touching the sides recently. I always just have an undercurrent of 'sad'. I don't know if I need anti-depressants or if this is just a normal way to feel and it'll get better with time. I cry a lot recently which isn't very me and find life all a bit of a struggle.

Sorry for long post, I've been meaning to write it all out for a while now!

@Sadmum71 that sounds like an awful lot going on.

I don't get on with my sister at all - and having to be in contact over Dad has been incredibly draining. She's the perpetual victim too - apparently I made all the decisions regarding Dad's care (I'm trained in healthcare and Dad asked me to). She was obstructive and difficult, and even objected to him going into a hospice. Apparently prayer works just as well. I respect her beliefs, but they weren't Dad's. And he was being ravaged by cancer.

I'm drained, tired, sad, and miss my Dad. Lord knows how it feels losing both parents

@Badger1970 Thanks for your reply. I also feel very drained and tired by it all. At what point does this sadness become depression though? I'm not sure if I need to go to the doctor. I thought I'd get to the year anniversary of mum's death and assess how I'm doing...

Hugs to all here, so sorry we find ourselves in this group. I echo the guilt mentioned previously. There was a 10 year gap between the man who was man dad vanishing due to sudden brain injury, and his body dying 9 weeks ago. During those 10 years I had to hide the memories of the man I knew and who knew me… after his brain injury none of that existed and it was just too painful to remember. But now since his passing I feel guilty about struggling to reconnect with those memories, I really struggle to remember his advice or normal ways… it’s been so long but I keep telling myself they must still be there…? Somewhere?

@MrsTopaz
Give it some time the memories will still be there just clouded by sadness and grief. For such a long time i was lost in my grief having lost my mum in March 2021. My mum also changed lot in the last 10 years of her life she had a huge mental breakdown and ended up living in long term care and laterally became wheelchair dependant when mum used to be so physically fit. It was awful and i struggled to accept the person she had become and how much she needed me and sometimes it was overwhelming but now i can look back on the memories of before this all happened, before mum became a different person although she was still herself just another version. I wish i could have seen that more when mum was alive i did my best by her as am sure u did too. I think i could have been a better daughter more patient but i no longer punish myself with those thoughts.

Eventually you will get there and you will find a clearing in your mind and those memories will me there waiting for you.

@Sadmum71 the counsellor I saw told me that if you're still really low and struggling after 12 months then to reach out to your GP/support if that's any help?

I saw someone through the hospice that Dad was in, and they were an enormous help in those first few months because I was reeling after seeing the horror of someone dying from an aggressive cancer. Have you talked to anyone like this? I found it was much easier to just be really open, and said things that I wouldn't have said to anyone else if that makes sense.

Thank you @Ttc42nearly43 for sharing what you went through, there is quite a bit of overlap between us I think. I’m sorry about your mum-the living grief bit is so hard when they are still breathing but the person we knew has gone. I’m pleased your memories have returned, this gives me hope xx💐

Yes, it makes sense. I'm not struggling too badly - though I have waves of it. It's the loss of focus and concentration. I haven't been able to read a book for the past year and I normally love reading. And I have my own business and I've just lost my motivation. It's hard to run your own business at the best of times, you often have to pick yourself up and start a new push and I just haven't the strength.

I think now we're in summer again it's so reminiscent of the time when mum collapsed and was in hospital which was horrible. Spring reminds me of dad's weeks of decline and summer now reminds me of mum. Ugh!

Can I join you please?
My Mum died last May. Her Cancer was missed again & again by HCP's. We had a complex relationship which was not resolved before her death. My only (half) sibling arranged an unattended cremation & no 'get together' after she died.
I have no family left now.

Last March, 8 weeks before my Mum passed, my Partner of 15 years died from Bladder cancer. He left his remains to the Anatomy School so I have only, 2 weeks ago, been able to lay him to rest. It's been incredibly hard. I miss him so much.

On Friday, my best friend, of 30 years, told me she has breast cancer. She was like a second mother to me & I am just beside myself. Mostly for her & her family of course, but selfishly I am also thinking: NO! I can't lose you as well.

@medianewbie
Of course you can join us i have been on this thread for about 2 years now others have been here longer.

Reading your post i hope that you have other support networks such as good friends.

My kids are learning just now at school about having a back up team and i wonder when we age and loose family that back up team just gets smaller and smaller its a lot to cope with.
Just giving my opinion for what its worth for someone who doesn't know you, i wouldn't say that you are not being selfish at all about your friend, she is part of your back up team and you have every right to feel upset about this news i think its only a natural response.