It never goes away does it?

[Bajezzeuz]

I'm just feeling incredibly sad today

I have birth to my first baby in 2013 and he died 2 hours after he was born. I had him on Mothers Day of all days and its a slap in the face every year. I had 2 more children after him hoping they would help ease my heartache and the older they have got and the more fun they have become the more it hurts knowing i should have him here with me

I thought having more would make me feel better, it hasn't. It gets worse with each year that passes

Nobody ever prepares you for losing a child do they.

He's nearly 9 and I still cry when I think about him, I still think about him daily.

I miss him. I know I didn't know him. But I loved him, I still love him. And I really wish he was here with us. He's of been just as funny and outgoing as his other siblings, hed be so tall by now, hed of had blue eyes and brown hair, these 2 look like twins, he'd of looked like them too.

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, this grief has stayed with me for years and I've never been able to get over it. I just really wish i had my little boy here. I just want to hold him, tell him I'm sorry I couldn't save him, I'm sorry I couldn't do more

This is just a self pity post I suppose. But I am full of sadness for my 21 year old self who had to go through all of that. And the fear stayed with me, I soent my other pregnancys petrified the baby would die, the first 2 years of their lives worried theyd die from cot death. Even now, I wake up in a panic incase theyve died in their sleep

I just miss him and I wish he was here with us. That poor little boy

OP I’m so sorry for your loss

I can’t imagine the pain, it is truly the worst loss, for a parent to lose a child.

Hold him in your heart and know he is with you always, see him in your other children and know he is with them them too.

Sending you so much love

Oh I feel you. My eldest daughter was 13 months old when she died. We had no other children at the time and my hearts breaks wondering what life would be like, and what sort of little person she would have grown into. For me her twin siblings provide distraction to make life liveable and have enjoyable moments.

No one expects to go through this and it’s a lonely world that most people don’t experience. I find it helps to talk about it though. What’s your son’s name?

What do you do on mother’s day? I find anniversaries so hard.

Also OP, did you have any grief counselling? If not then maybe it could help you? You’ll never get over it but talking to someone about the trauma you endured could help bring you some level of peace?
Even if you did have counselling at the time, there’s nothing to say you can’t do it again if it helps you x

So sorry for your loss. Sending love ❤️

Oh @Bajezzeuz 💐
I’m so very sorry you lost your son.

I haven’t lost a child so cannot fully feel your pain. I have lost lives one though and the pain has eased.

You were so young. It does sound like you would benefit from talking to someone professional. Please go to your GP and be referred or find someone yourself. You will never forget your lovely boy but please don’t let this dominate your life and potentially impact on your other children xxx

I'm so sorry, Bajesseuz.

I hope you don't mind me sharing this: my mum lost her first baby, like you, after only hours, and she was also very young. That was over 70 years ago when people didn't talk about it or know it was important to grieve. I think she decided, and was advised, to squash down her feelings. I only found out about it after she died. She never spoke about it and I think that had a terrible effect on her emotionally. I'm telling you this because I think, while it's so painful for you to experience these feelings, I think you are doing the better and healthier thing to feel them. It is not self pity, it is entirely right and understandable. No one can take away the pain but I agree with others that there might be some support you could get - I think Sands is the organisation that might help.

I've just checked, and the Sands charity supports anyone affected by the death of a baby before, during or shortly after birth, helpline is: 0808 164 3332.

Googlecanthelpme

Thank you for replying. I do see him in my other children, especially my second son. I imagine he would be the exact same silly excitable boy my 2nd is and he'd be so much fun. All their newborn pictures they all look like the exact same baby. Same noses and mouths. I like to think he is with us and then on days I tell the other 2 off or its not a fun day it makes me feel so sad. Because I should treasure every moment with them. I didn't have counselling, I felt like I didn't deserve it because I couldn't help him. I still feel like that now which is silly i know, but I watched him die in front of my eyes and couldn't do anything to help that poor little boy. I joined support groups but they didn't help as all they did is show me other ways babies could die.

Rrrob Im sorry you lost your daughter. It's horrific isnt it. I had 3 miscarriges after my son and for a long time convinced myself they were a punishment for letting him down. For not being able to save him. I named him Kai. My children go finance class every week and my son's favourite friend there is called Kai and its awful. Awful to watch him say his name and play with him then come home and talk about him

I don't and have never celebrated mothers day. I know I'm being cruel to myself and I know the date changes every year but how can I celebrate the day he died? My children always want to celebrate it and I just pretend it's a normal day. I can't bring myself to make a day about me when I'm not a very good mother am I. A good mother would of been able to save their baby. And I know I'm veing ridiculous saying that, I know I am. But that's how I feel and I can't get rid of that feeling

Thank you for the other replies ladies. I know im being a victim i know im just feeling sorry for myself. Im not like this everyday. But its getting close to his birthday now and im just finding it hard

They go dance class not finance class 🤦‍♀️

Bajesseuz - you are being very hard on yourself when you say: ''I'm not a very good mother' and 'I know I'm being a victim'. And you show such insight when you say you know you're 'being cruel to yourself'. You sound so conflicted. Something horrendous happened, it's normal to feel terrible about it. I realise saying 'stop beating yourself up' is not going to make you stop beating yourself up, but try not to turn the terrible pain on to yourself. Love to you and your little boy.

@Bajezzeuz I did wonder what finance class was :)

It must be so so hard that your son’s friend has the same name. My daughter’s name is becoming more and more popular on MN but I hadn’t met anyone with the same name until recently. I made a friend locally and she has a daughter of the same age also called Eliza.

For mother’s day, that is totally understandable. I don’t like to mark the day dd died in any way. It doesn’t feel right to release balloons etc. Could you choose another date as a family to celebrate mother’s day? We do strange things like this and it feels like taking back control of this shitty situation. You could choose another Sunday in the summer, have cards and presents and celebrate you as a mum to all 3 of your children.

I don’t know wht happened to your son and I totally understand the feeling of thinking you’ve failed because you didn’t save him. I feel like this but therapy has helped me realise I’m human and did the best I could. I am sure you were the best mum to Kai when you were pregnant and for the short time you had together.

The support groups you joined sound terrible. I would really recommend counselling. It will never stop me wishing life was different but has reduced my trauma. Happy to chat over PM if you’d like. I’ve found some comfort in talking to people going through the same experience.

It's so hard. I'm 32 years on ( that's hard to read ) with 2 grown up boys. However my first boy is often thought off. Like you, the day itself is hard even after all this time. It gets a tad easier but I think you will always wonder what could have been. I was very young and I know people expected me to bounce back faster than I did. Maybe try some more counselling. As for the name thing, my nephew was named after my boy, I found it hard but we have an amazing relationship. Much love x

Also, that does sound like a terrible support group. What were they thinking? I know everyone bangs on about counselling and it makes it sound easy. It isn't easy to find somewhere. Sometimes there is a huge waiting list, or it is expensive, and sometimes once you find somewhere they turn out to be crap. It's hard to find the energy.

@Bajezzeuz I'm so sorry for your loss and to answer your question, no it never goes away .
My partner lost a daughter at 3 years old 19years ago and he still morns her dreadfully at times , she's always there in his head ,sometimes he copes better than others but he always loves and misses her and to be honest he's waiting for the day he'll be with her again .
I lost a baby by miscarriage 34 years ago and I still wonder about him , what he'd be like and how he would be now .
I think you morn the future you didn't have together.
Sending huge hugs and lots of love 💗