Pregnancy & Death

[Guineapiggiesmalls]

Sorry for the horribly blunt title, but I didn’t know how else to word it. I’m 8 months pregnant and found out this week my lovely mum has incurable cancer. It’s the early stages of her diagnosis, but not of the disease and they have indicated a prognosis of a year at best.

My world has turned upside down. We’re exceptionally close and I’m not only terrified of losing her, but also of being a substandard mum to my new baby because of the circumstances. I don’t even know where to begin to be honest, or even how to put into words what I’m frightened of. It’s difficult to imagine being happy or existing in the newborn bubble, when so much is crumbling around us. I keep comparing this to other pregnancies and how I didn’t realise just how good life was.

It will be difficult of course but you won't be a substandard mum. My mum died the day I gave birth to my second and although I knew she was ill I had no idea that she would die so soon.
For me, I had to get on with it but the grief was delayed if you see what I mean. I couldn't go to town for a good few years as I was resentful of people out with their mums or other triggers. Now I accept it and love dreaming about my mum when I do and waking up and talking to my children about her.
I mean what I am,saying is please dont worry about being a good mum. This is so fucking difficult but you will get through. Just be kind fo yourself, get counselling at the very minimum x

Thank you so much for replying, you’ve definitely given me hope of managing to get through it.

It’s just such an unimaginable scenario, it must have been truly awful for you to go through both birth and death on the same day. It just seems so much to have on your plate at the one time, and I’m struggling to see how it’s possible to cope. I’ve tried to stay away from Google (unsuccessfully obviously) and swing from crying uncontrollably at worst case scenarios to pinning my hopes on my mum being one of the 3-7% who outlast expectations. So tough to know that my children will more than likely grow up without her.

It is too hard. My youngest is 10 now so perhaps that's why I can be more sanguine about it. No one should have to go through it and it is traumatic - no exaggeration hence the counselling recommendation. But. It can get easier. A weird analaogy but before you have a baby you worry how you will cope with loss of social life, to no sleep, to tantrums etc but you do because you live if every day and it isnt sudden but you adapt. I think for me the grief was like that. I had to accept i wasnt going to be able to 'deal' with it and let it come as and when. I'm so grateful I had my mum in my life. And you will be OK too but it's a process. Appreciate how difficult it is.