Cannot come to terms with mum’s death

[Susie92]

My mum passed away towards the end of last year. She was 80 (I am 51). She had been ill for a while, so her death was not unexpected. I know that 80+ is generally regarded as a “good innings”, which brings me some comfort, but we were very close and I am struggling to come to terms with her loss. Any advice would be welcome.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad last summer and the National Bereavement Service Charity hugely helped me both with the practical things and the waves of grief. It’s early days for you so my main advice is be kinder to yourself, it’s perfectly normal to be struggling especially that first year with all the firsts the loved on will miss.

I'm so sorry too.

I lost my mum last year too, and I'm really struggling to come to terms with it as well. It's been 6 months and I still wake up shocked every day. My mum and I are about a decade younger than you and your mum so I'm not as well comforted by the good innings bit, but like you I'm sure if it hadn't happened until she was 80 I would still be feeling just as heartbroken and grief stricken so maybe let yourself off for feeling like you should feel better because she got to 80. Grief is grief and it hurts whatever the age.

I think too, it's so early days still for coming to terms with it. Some people seem to think a few months is enough time to recover, but after a lifetime of having your loved one in your life that's nothing, and certainly for me not long enough to accept it.

You're not alone, though I know it sometimes feels like that. Is there anything you feel more accepting of? I feel slightly more able to talk about her with a few people without crying, sometimes. That's as far as I've got! Hopefully there will be something you're slightly better at coping with too in the not too distant future.

I think it just takes time. My mum passed in Aug 20, in her mid 80s, and I'd say it took me a good 10 to 12 months to get through the worst of it. It helped me to think of some of the things she'd said in the last few years, eg she felt like she needed a new body and brain. She wasn't too bad physically or cognitively, but her age and lack of ability was getting to her. Retrospectively, I think I should have seen my GP, possibly for a short course of anti-depressants, and/or spoken to the National Bereavement Service. I leant very heavily on DH, he was amazing.

So sorry that you have lost your mum it is very hard when you lose the woman who loved you all of your life My mum and I were very close and when she died I felt as if everything safe and secure had been taken from me. She was the one who truly cared and was genuinely interested in my life She meant the world to me All I can say is that 3 years down the line the missing is still there but it is a soft wistfulness now. I used to lie in bed and hold one of her favourite cushions or her diaries. I still talk to her and sometimes write memories about her in a special journal. I am helped by my faith in that I believe I will see her again. But even if you don’t believe that I think there is strength in remembering and being grateful that you loved and were deeply loved

@Friendofdennis

I would like to believe I will see my mum again. In fact, I had thought about contacting our local vicar to have a chat to, as I think it may possibly help me a little. I have been christened and did attend Sunday School/Church as a child, but stopped going once other things took over. I know my mum believed there was something after death though and hopefully it is true.

I like to think that too, it's a comforting thought. I imagine my parents together on a nice holiday (Dad passed in 2017) and one day I'll see them on that lovely holiday, along with grandparents, etc. I think talking to the vicar is a great idea.

I’m sorry you lost your mum.

It’s very early days - it took a good year before I felt even vaguely together about losing Mum. Every day took me further away from her and I felt a desperation to ‘swim upstream’, to get back to a place where she was still in my life.

When something significant happened I’d grab my phone to call her; I’d take photos of things to show her.

I found it helped to talk about her, to tell funny stories about her, and I have a framed photo of her laughing I put where I could see it. I needed to pull her memory away from feelings of despair, towards celebrating the good stuff.

Be kind to yourself; it will take time and that is ok.

@SpiderVersed

I’m sorry you lost your mum.

It’s very early days - it took a good year before I felt even vaguely together about losing Mum. Every day took me further away from her and I felt a desperation to ‘swim upstream’, to get back to a place where she was still in my life.

When something significant happened I’d grab my phone to call her; I’d take photos of things to show her.

I found it helped to talk about her, to tell funny stories about her, and I have a framed photo of her laughing I put where I could see it. I needed to pull her memory away from feelings of despair, towards celebrating the good stuff.

Be kind to yourself; it will take time and that is ok.

This resonates so much with me. I lost my dad a couple of months ago and I'm still in the swimming upstream stage. I keep going to send him silly jokes and pictures and realise he's gone all over again. It's horrible. Hugs to you OP, it sounds very early days.

Sorry you have lost your Mum. It helped me to tell myself how fortunate I had been to have my Mum until I was into my 50s. I cannot imagine having lost my Mum as a child or young person. My Mum always said she prayed that she would see all her children grow up. She did. Her greatest regret was that she hadn't passed her driving test. I am so pleased my Mum had a happy life. Her number is still in my phone. I will never delete it. Why would I?
After her death I wrote my Mum a long letter. Would it help if you wrote to your Mum. You can put down on paper everything you want to say to her. Take your time. Sending you healing thoughts.