Terminal Cancer, maybe weeks. What helps?

[MakeThingsRight]

Hi, have NC'd for this as I am hoping to share with friends (who don't give 2 shits about my cats, bills or randomness)

The wife of a very close friend to me is dying. Soon. I was wondering if there was any way of offering to help.

For example she is still undergoing chemotherapy to prolong - I heard there were some recipes as with chemo you can lose your taste for some things.

Also, when my Nan passed 88 (not cancer) there was a lovely skin cream she liked having rubbed on her arms and legs.

I'm there for support but just feel so useless and was wondering if anyone would be kind enough to share anything that makes the worst more comfortable. For example I saw my Nan 1 day before she passed and whilst she couldn't eat, she enjoyed the juice from a fresh melon slice.

Thank you in advance, and I hope I'm not upsetting anyone asking for their experiences xx

[MakeThingsRight]

Access denied apparently 😢

[MakeThingsRight]

Oh I think it has posted. Thank you in advance and just love.

[Doingnotthinking]

My mum died recently from cancer, we found her tastes and needs changed daily as soon as we found something that tasted good she found it was either too bitter or two difficult to eat. We had lovely times looking at old photos. Maybe you could offer to collate photos and get a photo book made up for your friend that has memories of holidays and fun times to look back on together?

[GucciBear]

My husband found it very hard to swallow but enjoyed have pieces of ice in his mouth.

[ChardonnaysPetDragon]

Could you offer your friend to do things for them that need doing so he can spend more time with her? Just practical stuff, like shopping for him, or anything that wastes tame?

[stuntbubbles]

My mother liked very lovely rose-scented Dr Hauschka oil, nice blankets, a sports water bottle (the kind that doesn’t leak and you can just put it next to you) so she could have it next to her in bed, Green & Black’s chocolate - couldn’t manage more than a square or two so really good chocolate was key rather than cheap cadburys binges, and beautiful fresh flowers. She wanted to be surrounded by pleasant things and have treats - we painted her toenails for her, for instance, and she had a Diptyque candle. Those microwaveable beanbag things, can’t think what they’re called, heat pad type things, for aches.

[Violetmo0n]

My dad like ice cubes of fresh juice.
Tbh it varies so much.

I would try and be more practical, shop run for bits and bobs, take some washing home, clean house, cook him food.

[Watchkeys]

Sorbet, in my experience of 2 people dying of cancer. Lovely texture, and sharp refreshing flavour that manages to actually taste of something. Things that smell nice/oil burner... can make a really soothing atmosphere, but for the poorly person and those around them.
Offer to do stuff for your friend. 'I'm going to Sainsburys later, d'you want me to pick up some bits for you?' 'Would it help if I did a load of washing for you, I know you can't be at home much' 'D'you want me to drop round and feed the cat?' etc

[saraclara]

Seriously, different chemos and different people make it impossible to know what will be appreciated. What works for one person tastes like dung to another. There are SO many variables, depending on the many many varieties of chemo.

What we appreciated more than anything was someone getting in touch to say that they were going to tesco, and was there anything we needed. Simple acts that showed they were thinking of us, and that didn't make us feel that we were putting other people out - because they were going anyway. So yep, the kind of things in the second half of @Watchkeys post.

Once you have some information to go on, you can bring little treats, but do wait until the chemo has shown its colours.

[MakeThingsRight]

Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences. I have sent this link to my friend so he can see. Whilst we have always kept in touch and been there for each other from the old days, sadly he lives 250 miles away so the practical is not in my remit, but will be in his. I know he is struggling and he has already said thank you for sharing ideas.

He's not going to get an account but is appreciative and reading.

Thank you. I'm off to bed now, but I shall catch up properly tomorrow.

Sports water bottle (Poor Nan had a sippy cup) great idea. Lovely sheets, blankets thank you

And sorbet - sounds good.

Thank you for helping me support him.

@stuntbubbles that all sounds lovely. I know he'll have a look and do his best ❤️

[Doingnotthinking]

Another thing that helped us was having someone to update family/friends on what was happening. So we only had to tell one cousin and she told everyone else. Can you do this for your friend?

[winnieanddaisy]

I've nursed lots of patients that have had a dry and sore mouth which has been helped with pineapple juice . If they're end stages and no longer able to swallow swish the juice on the tongue and mouth with a swab if you can . This can just be a soft cloth dipped in juice.

[MakeThingsRight]

That's a good idea @Doingnotthinking - we had that for my Nan. One person call the hospital and an update on WhatsApp. I can't update too much as not my family member, but friend has been working v hard today and taking on board all your suggestions. Caught up with him earlier. He is knackered.

@winnieanddaisy oh wow I never would have suggested pineapple as when I eat it fresh (still in a ring) it causes acid burns on sides of mouth. It does sound very refreshing though.

Thank you all again. It's not my place to talk about stages etc but friend is grateful for all the input xxx

[FoofOfTheWalkingDead]

My mom just passed from cancer and the dry mouth was terrible for her. There is a product called biotene that is a mouth moisturiser that you can rinse your mouth out with or take tiny sips of. It really helped her comfort. n.b. biotene is north american, not sure what a similar product here might be.
Friends of our got us a voucher for a food delivery service which was a godsend on nights we got home from the hospital late and couldn't face cooking. Being as you're not there you could get a deliveroo or uber eats voucher for your friend so they don't have to worry about the expense of ordering in.

[FoofOfTheWalkingDead]

Also, lovely thick moisturiser cream for hands and feet that smelled nice. Nice lip balm. A soft rolled up scarf for under her neck. These little things helped distract my mom from how terrible she felt.

[TheVanguardSix]

For my brother, the neighbours made a small hamper of gift cards (this is in the US): petrol station gift cards for the journeys to hospital appointments/chemo, supermarket gift cards, deliveroo-type vouchers, Amazon. It really, really helped and the family was so moved by it. It was at a time when my amazing SIL couldn't work and my brother was not long for this world. It just gave them a financial soft landing... it was just a loving act.