Is anyone a ‘rainbow baby? A discussion thread

[Millicent2022]

I am the first child after my parents’ losses and as I have grown older / had my own children I am wondering more and more about if this has had an impact on my life

I have a lot of fear inside me generally . I had a happy childhood but I found out about my stillborn sibling by accident at the age of 9 (someone at school told me / my parents had tried to protect me I think )

Anyway - I feel like I have a lot of trust issues and fear stemming from being born just a year after my parents suffered the loss of a child and would really like to chat to anyone else that maybe dealing with similar issues as an adult. Thanks )

My parents lost their first child 13 months before I was born. I found out at the age of 10 when my brother, aged 8, saw something.
I don't know how many of my issues are just mine or could be due to this.
My parents lost their baby in the days before any consideration or care was given to these things and my mother, particularly, was very scarred by it

Hi thanks for posting )

I feel the same as you - unsure how many issues I would have anyway

My mum too was and is totally scarred by it. And in those days they had so much less help. I think the hardest part for me is the people I loved keeping a massive secret from me , I find it so hard to trust anyone - the shock of finding out was so severe . Do to have that ?

Big hug xx

And goodness our timeframe is so similar - I was born 11 months after my brothers and was about 9 when I found out about it

It's only in recent years I realised I was a rainbow baby. My sibling passed a year before I was born and it's only since trying for a child of my own I've done the maths and realised how quickly my mum fell pregnant after their passing. That being said, I know my parents wanted small age gaps and had fertility treatment so there's nothing to say I wouldn't have been born when I did - it's not something I've asked my parents.

Growing up we always knew about our sibling through regular memorial visits. My mum doesn't talk about it much but it will pop up in conversation from time to time.

I don't feel like I'm treated any different although my older sibling remembers our lost sibling and says I was quite protected particularly when I was born.

I've had quite a few losses and if and when I have a child I would not be referring to them as a rainbow baby. No disrespect to anyone who uses this term but I want my child to be a person in their own right, not as a rainbow.

I am, didn't find out until my 20s when DM accidentally mentioned it. Not sure if it explains some of my childhood feelings of being a disappointment/something missing or if that's just post-hoc overthinking.

Just to add to your point about it being hidden from you.

I have just lost my much wanted baby (20 weeks). We also have an older child who is too young to understand there's no longer a baby in mummy's tummy. They didn't really talk about having a brother or sister so we are not telling them about this loss. We will tell them when the time is right so we can fully explain what happened. This may well be when they are a similar age to you was when you found out but this is coming from a place of love where I can protect them from sadness while I can. Have you spoken to your parents to ask why you found out when you did?

Losing a child, or even multiple children, makes you very very anxious. DS is my rainbow baby and I have to check myself because I’m constantly telling him off / telling him not to do something. That doesn’t mean I’m disappointed, far from it, I’m just constantly terrified. So maybe it was similar with your mum @pucelleauxblanchesmains

Yeah can I just say I never use rainbow baby or think of myself as that but it’s more to sum up being born to parents grieving the most terrible loss

I always felt a huge responsibility for the well-being of my mum
Particularly - I literally still can’t rest easy if she isn’t in good flow (

My dad used to sit with me all night to make sure I was breathing , my mum told me in later years

I really struggled to cope when he died a few years ago - I haven’t felt ‘safe’ since !

@coneonastick

Just to add to your point about it being hidden from you.

I have just lost my much wanted baby (20 weeks). We also have an older child who is too young to understand there's no longer a baby in mummy's tummy. They didn't really talk about having a brother or sister so we are not telling them about this loss. We will tell them when the time is right so we can fully explain what happened. This may well be when they are a similar age to you was when you found out but this is coming from a place of love where I can protect them from sadness while I can. Have you spoken to your parents to ask why you found out when you did?

It was really awful. I totally understand it came from a place of love not to tell me and they were waiting for the right time but.. I grew up in a tiny tiny community where everyone knew the business of others . I was playing a game at primary school And this girl in the year below was annoyed about something I did and started singing ‘you’ve got a deaf brother ! You’ve got a dead brother ‘

I just thought she was making it up and went home and asked my mum - will never forget she was making tea and starting crying . I was so shocked . I had 100% thought she would say ‘xxx is lying ‘ but she started crying and said yes it’s true

I couldn’t believe it for ages . I understand why they protected me but it really backfired ( if I could choose I would have always wanted to have known in a gradual way . I felt so so exposed when I realised everyone knew except me ( x

@Ozanj

Losing a child, or even multiple children, makes you very very anxious. DS is my rainbow baby and I have to check myself because I’m constantly telling him off / telling him not to do something. That doesn’t mean I’m disappointed, far from it, I’m just constantly terrified. So maybe it was similar with your mum *@pucelleauxblanchesmains*

Can totally understand - my mum was same and I would 100% be the same

I am. Found out by accident from a drunk family friend when I was 13. My parents still don’t really say much about it but I know it was very traumatic late stage abortion due to abnormalities that were incompatible with life.

@Sillyotter

I am. Found out by accident from a drunk family friend when I was 13. My parents still don’t really say much about it but I know it was very traumatic late stage abortion due to abnormalities that were incompatible with life.

Oh gosh so sorry (

It’s hard isn’t it because as the next child it’s sort of none of our business but also massively our business at same time ..

I am one. Not sure when I found out. My mum lost a child before and after me, was told she would never have children but went on to have 3 more. She also had a very difficult pregnancy.

I don't think it has had an significant impact on my life other than my mum & dad were very overprotective when we were very young but as she says herself, she was in her early 20s, their was no manual and she just learnt as she went. My dad has chilled over the years but my mum still has mind anxiety which can escalate sometimes.

I don't remember it obviously but I think from a combination of photos and the odd conversation over the years, they considered me and absolute miracle and were terrified anything would happen me and probably lived on their nerves until the others came along.

I was 3 before they let anyone babysit me and also know that I struggled with divided attention when my siblings came along.

Friends of mine had a very late term stillbirth last year and despite only meeting them once, my mum was truly devastated for them and I think it brought back a lot of painful memories for her.

I suppose I am too but hadn't ever thought about it that way.

My mother had at least 6 losses, maybe more, before I was finally born and I understand I was their "last try". Subsequently had a sister though. I was induced in a hurry at 35 weeks because I'd stopped moving; my sister was delivered at 36 weeks after months of "threatened miscarriage". Before us I think the furthest she'd gone may have been 5 months though most losses were early (all different reasons including one twin + ectopic).

I don't feel it had a specific impact on our childhood, except that it is a situation when you absolutely know you were wanted, without a doubt.

My mother found it very very difficult when waiting for her first grandchild to be born, 2 weeks late ...

I have never thought about it that way but I suppose I am.

I have a sibling eight years older and there was a child right in the middle, four years older than me that was stillborn.

My sister remembers that she was told she was going to have a baby brother or sister for Christmas but it didn't happen.

I only knew about it when I was 11 because my mother died and my mother's siblings mentioning that she and "the baby" were watching over us. My father said nothing but my sister, who was 19, asked and our aunts & uncles told us.

The child was a boy and I often wondered if after having both a girl and a boy (had he survived), if my parents would have had a third child: me.
I suppose I ask this because I have the feminine form of his name. It's silly but you know...

I also feel a great deal of sadness, as well. My sister told me that my parents were particularly nervous throughout my mother's pregnancy with me and she was not allowed to tell anyone about expecting a new sibling. They must have been scared and so worried and I imagine they felt so much grief as well.

I lost my first child 5 years ago- she died at birth. I've gone on to have two more DC one just 13 months after she was born. I would be devestated to think that they thought they were only born as I'd lost a baby or I was somehow disappointed in them. The truth is they saved me, they didn't take away the pain of losing their sister but they did bring happiness back into my life when I was in a place I didn't think that would be possible anymore. If anything I think I might love them boththat little bit more because I'm so aware of how lucky I am to have them and under different circumstances I could so easily have not had them. Being truthful would I have conceived 4 months after having a baby...probably not but that doesn't make my son a replacement or mean he shouldn't be here.. it just is what it is - he came when we needed him the most as did my second son. Please don't feel your identify is marked or defined by being a "rainbow" baby - you are special in your own right and I'm sure your parents never intended to cause you any harm or upset by not telling you. We speak openly about our daughter but even 10/15/20 years ago it wasn't so easy.. and even now I know of some other "loss" parents who have chosen to wait until their children are older to share the information about siblings who have passed away, it's not an easy decision about when, what and how much to share - you worry about upsetting your children or worrying them about death or loss at such an young age. It's a minefield but I can say with some degree of certainty parents only do what they feel is best and is best for their children - like all aspects of parenting,there is no set way to deal with the loss of a baby within a family, you can only do what you feel is best and right at the time.

@snowday01 thank you for posting . So sorry for your loss , you sound like a lovely mum xxx

My Mum was born after my grandparents suffered many losses (I think between 6-8). My Mum was premature and born during World War 2. She told the story that the midwife who delivered her said they weren't going to lose this one. My Grandma was unsentimental but kept a 1st birthday card sent by the midwife.

What was even more complicated was my Grandma's Mum was in a mental institution at the time and had been for many years. My Aunt (Grandma's DIL) and me had a theory it was undiagnosed PND in 20s as she was admitted when my Grandma was very young. In the last few years doing family history I turned up birth and death record for an older sister to my Grandma who died 3 years previously. I spoke to my Uncle born 5 years after my Mum and further losses, he knew nothing of his Aunt who died at under 3 months. Couldn't ask my Mum as by that time she had dementia. We suspect his Mum didn't know, but confirms our theory about G-Grandma PND.

Back to my Mum, she was worshipped, spoilt and adored by her parents as was her brother, but they grew up knowing about their parents losses.