Our friend's dad has passed away. Flowers, when and how to send.

[gemloving]

Hi Mumsnet, you seem to know what to do in these situations.

Our friend's father whom my husband has known since primary school has passed away quite suddenly. He was diagnosed with cancer just before Christmas and passed away yesterday. I have seen my husband cry twice in 10 years and yesterday was one of those times. It's all very sad.

Could you please tell me what we do regarding flowers? Do we send them? If so when? Straight away or let the family grieve and send them later? Do we bring them to the funeral?

Is there anything else that people do to support the family?

None of my friends have lost a parent yet and I don't know what's best

You don't need to bring them to the funeral yourself, pick a local florist and they will get them to the undertaker/ceremony.

I would ask your friend what they want, sometimes it's family flowers only, or donations to a charity etc. I organised my dad's funeral after he died very suddenly in late 2020, but I've also sent flowers to friends' parents funerals. In the first instance, text or call and offer support, ask if there is anything you can do for them.

Quite often people ask for family flowers only or a charity donation in lieu. Flowers and/or donations can be sent direct to the funeral director, who will take care of things. Sometimes there is a collection at the service, so take an envelope with you.

We tend to send some flowers to the widow straight away...it could be weeks until the funeral and in my experience flowers and sympathy cards are usually appreciated, whatever you do for the funeral.

Maybe send a nice sympathy card. I did appreciate the ones I got.

Who are you wanting to send the flowers to?
Widow / your friend / funeral?

When DH died I was inundated with flowers, and lovely as they and the thoughts behind them were - it was just too much, as was then having to deal with the dead flowers later on.
I was sent a small rose in a pot, that was lovely.

Many funerals are family flowers only nowadays (I didn't didn't any, seemed an utter waste of flowers to me), but the funeral notices will guide you on this.

Sympathy cards are usually appreciated, especially with a personal memory of the deceased.

@HarrietteNightingale

Maybe send a nice sympathy card. I did appreciate the ones I got.

Absolutely agree.

Sorry for your loss.

Definitely a sympathy card where your husband writes a nice message or memory about the deceased. It doesn't have to be anything complicated- could be simple like 'I remember X giving us lifts home after Y and he never moaned about muddy shoes' or 'when I came to your house he always offered me a cup of tea and made me comfortable.' Cards are really appreciated and last after the event.

The flowers will be instructed with the funeral notice...e.g. family flowers only, donation too.....

Hi, sorry to hear this. Flowers sent as a mark of affection to the family and 'funeral' flowers are different things IMO. You could certainly send your friend some flowers and a card now, that seems a lovely gesture, but equally a call/message, offer of practical support would likely be much appreciated or perhaps a different gift like something edible, a sweet treat or home cooked meal may be better than flowers, a lot of people don't like receiving them in the wake of a bereavement because when the flowers inevitably die and have to be thrown away it kind of mimics and evokes the loss all over again. For this reason I tend to avoid and go for a plant for the garden or a pot rather than cut flowers (often more environmentally friendly too).

As per PP, flowers for the funeral are a different thing, the family will usually indicate (or you can ask the funeral directors) if it's no flowers, family only, all flowers welcome or donation to charity in lieu of flowers (increasingly popular and a good thing IMO, personally I think it's a shame to spend so much money on huge floral displays that end up wasted but obviously its personal preference there). If you are sending flowers any local florist will have a range of suitable ones (the family may have indicated certain colours or whatever) and can deliver to the church or crem on the day, that is usually best although you do sometimes see people bringing small bouquets with them to the ceremony too...

Maybe send a sympathy card to your friend for now and wait to hear details of the funeral to find out about the plans for flowers

I'd send a really heart felt message in a card with a nice memory of him. I wouldn't send flowers to the house - its just another thing to deal with. Flowers to the funeral depend on their wishes. Many people now only do family flowers with donations to charity at the funeral, but it will be in the notice from the funeral directors.
Support depends on the family really. In a big, close family, then just being in touch with his friend, taking him out for a drink, and talking about his loss. In another family dynamic, friend might be struggling with all the stuff to do and would appreciate some support

Thanks everyone!

We have sent a handwritten sympathy card including as to when his dad made us laugh, how he thought of us when we bought our first house, had our children etc.

I did read what you all said but didn't respond - sorry.