What can I say to my friend

[bunnyrabbit]

Ladies,

I apologise in advance if this mail upsets anyone, but I wonder if you could help.

My friend recently conceived naturally, after terrible problems conceiving and Emergency c-section with her first. She told me straight away, but then had a bleed at about 6 weeks. The scan showed an empty sack, but they said it was too early really and she had to go back this week (8 weeks).

She texted me to say the news was bad and she was 'vacuumed' yesterday.

I am so gutted for her and want to focus on the positive side for her but I'm afraid that my knowledge in this area is lacking.

I wanted to focus on the fact that she managed to conceive immediately and naturally, unlike last time, but am confused myself about the fact the sac was empty. Does that mean the egg wasn't fertilised? Or was there not an egg at all.

I really don't want to upset her so any other advice would be greatfully received.

Onse again, my apologies if this mail offends anyone.

BR

Hi BR

I'm sure there'll be plenty of good advice here soon.

I found when I miscarried that it was very little comfort to know that 'at least I could conceive'. The comments I most appreciated were ones that acknowleged our loss and our sadness.

This sounds like a 'blighted ovum' - terrible phrase - this is when the egg is fertilised by the cells don't divide properly and a baby doesn't grow. However, as far as your friend is concerned she was pregnant and has lost a baby.

Hopefully your friend will be able to concieve easily again and have a happier outcome, but that won't erase this loss.

Sorry if I sound a bit bitter - I felt that some people were trying to minimise our loss ('at least you can concieve', 'at least you were only ten weeks along', 'at least you're young - you can try again').

Sorry - not very positive advice, as I say - I'm sure there'll be good advice along soon.

footstep

x

Footsteps,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. I appreciate the advice and, to be honest, there isn't much positive about the situation, which is why I deserately looking for something to say other than 'I'm so sorry you lost the baby'.

I'm almost in tears writing this but haven't the faintest idea how to express to her how much I feel for her loss.

BR

agree with footstep - those kind of minimising comments are the worst. just tell her you are very sorry she lost her baby and be prepared to listen if she wants to talk about it.

br, i x posted with you. i think telling her you are so sorry would be fine.

Thank you.

BR

agree with footstep and serenequeen. i think you have to take your lead from her - and make her feel that however she is feeling is legitimate - if she wants to "think positively" that's fine, - but don't try and find a positive that isn't really there iyswim if that's not what she wants. i wouldn't focus on the technicalities of it at all - the reality is that she will feel that she has lost a baby. i would also try and see how her partner/husband is doing as well, as he may well feel very bereft at this time.

I agree too, so I won't add much, except to say I had a blighted ovum with my first pg, and footstep has described it perfectly. My next 2 pgs have been fine. I often recommend a factsheet which is on the Miscarriage Association website, but I have never been able to get a link to it to work properly. The factsheet is called someone you know' and it helps to explain the feelings people may have when they've had a m/c. When I look at it, I think Yes, that is how I felt' so I think you might find it useful. M/c Association website is here . (look under giving information and then online information for the factsheet).

HTH. It sounds like you are a very good friend.

Thanks for the link gingernut. Helps a lot.

At least if I can get the tears out of the way now I may be a bit more stable when I see her.

BR

Nothing offensive about wanting to help a friend at this sad time BR. Agree with the others, "loss-minimising" comments, even when with the best of intentions, can really hurt. Just being there for her (and making a note in your head of when her due date would have been, because she will remember it even if no-one else does) will help so much. And it does help when you know your friends are sincerely mourning the end of your pregnancy with you. You sound like a great friend.

here's the leaflet that gingernut's talking about. lots of very good advice there.

You do sound like a good friend

footstep
x

one last thing..

for some reason, I found recieving a card very comforting after my m/c - it enables you to absorb the sender's sympathy and good wishes without there being any pressure to respond immediately. so I'd really recommend sending a card or flowers.

i hope this makes sense - not quite sure how to express what i mean.

Yes I read the leaflet thanks, and what you say does make sense.

I think I'll talk to her husband first and see what he thinks before I send anything.... if she's in a very bad way I don't want to exacerbate the situation.

But sending a bunch of flowers sounds like a good idea.....

Thanks again to all of you for your advice.

BR

Dear all,
I spoke to my friend on Friday and, thanks to all your advice, managed to talk to her for 50 mins without 'saying the wrong thing', or crying.

Thanks again.

BR