Lost my Dad/Best friend last year… still no better almost a year on.

[ThatsLife2022]

Hello everyone.
We found out in the summer of 2019 that my dad had lung cancer which had spread significantly. He did very well on treatment and gave us another 2years with him.

Sadly he past away in March 2021. We all kind of knew that the day would come but it really is true.. nothing will prepare you for it whatsoever.
But it’s just that what haunts me to this day.
He wanted to be at home and me and my siblings cared for him with the help of the district nurses Macmillan nurses and carers etc. We took turns in sitting in with him through the night making sure he was comfortable but to say it wasn’t easy is an understatement.

We came out the other end with the only comfort that we did a good job looking after him and he would of be proud of us all.

Fast forward to now. I’m having reoccurring traumatic dreams about it all and have been since that day they literally wipes me out for the whole day and my wife can tell I’ve had one.
She would like me to seek help but I would be fine if it wasn’t for the dreams….

So my question is… has anybody else experienced anything like this? If so what did you do to get back to normal??

I’m a guy of 36 and don’t really open up a lot so thought I’d get some advice on here before help.

Thank you.

I also think you need to get some help with this. You say you would be fine but for the dreams, but you are still having these awful dreams, so some help is needed.

You did your very best for your dad, but the trauma of that night has got ‘stuck’ and is repeating itself in nightmares.

It sounds like it was a really horrible time, and exhausting too.

Getting help is nothing to be ashamed of, and might help. You’ve nothing to lose..

The dreams aren't separate from the trauma and grief so it's not as easy as saying you would be fine if it wasn't for the dreams. The one thing I have learned about grief is that you can try and compartmentalize it or put it off but eventually it will bite you on the bum.

I kind of ignored my grief for about 8 months. By the time I rang for counselling my relationship with my husband and son was awful and when I made the call I couldn't even say the words "my Dad died", they only rang me back by noting my number as I was barely understandable.

I suppose what I'm saying is a year is nothing. Please ask for help with your grief. It will help you to work through how you are feeling and to accept that there is no pressure to have to feel whatever % better by a certain time. The most useful thing I learned was that it's not a line. You could feel fine a year down the line but 3 years later have a day where it hits you like it was yesterday.

I had terrible eczema, anxiety, was constantly worried about other people's kids when I was out (eg if I thought they were in danger on a big slide etc). I could have told myself that I was fine apart from those physical symptoms but the reality was that I had to go through grieving and counselling in order for those symptoms to recede.

Good luck.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply and thank you @CatNamedEaster for sharing your experience.

I guess I just needed to get some more opinions (not that I don’t trust why wife’s) deep down I knew she was spot on but posted on here in the small chance a few people had no help but came out on the other side ok.

I will certainly speak to my GP and hopefully get some grief counselling soon 🤞

I think it’s very normal to be devastated after the loss of someone so close and loved. If you are having recurrent distressing dreams that is something else and sounds like possible PTSD relating to your Dads actual death. I’d definitely recommend getting help with that. My Mums death was very distressing and I had flashbacks for years. It was before there was awareness that PTSD wasn’t just something that affects soldiers. I finally got help 15 years after my Mum died and the therapist said many of her cases relate to traumatic death or illness. Im sorry for your loss. The nightmares must be so distressing.

Worth looking at the Cruise website: www.cruse.org.uk/

I hope you can find a way through. To seek help is such a brave thing to do but its easy to see it as admitting weakness or as some sort of last resort.