I still haven't cried properly

[Morethanthis71]

Over 4 weeks since my Mum died, I still haven't cried properly. Her death was unexpected after a very short illness. First few days we were all looking after family who stayed over. Then I went back to work. There's so much to do with organising a funeral that I haven't had time to cry.

I've shed the odd tear, but I definitely cried more when my Grandma died, and I feel like the most uncaring person in the world.

Is this a normal stage? I am thinking perhaps I need the closure of the funeral to be able to recognise and come to terms with my feelings and my grief.

Everything in grief is totally normal. Be kind to yourself and grieve in your own way.

Yes mine died mid dec and still haven’t / only occasionally when something triggers it. Think mine is because my dad has terminal cancer so it’s going to be a double whammy so must admit avoiding thinking too much or looking at photos. Hope you find your inner way of dealing with it.

So sorry for your loss

It's totally normal - I remember at my DM's funeral it was me comforting several of her friends who were in floods of tears, rather than the other way round.

Absolutely. It turns out it's a normal variation in grieving (I found out ,when it happened to me).
I could have done with a few years at my Mum's memorial TBH but what is, is I guess.
Sorry for your loss OP but don't worry too much about this.

I would say normal too. I’m a year down the line from my dad now and have only been upset on a couple of occasions, both months down the line. I still think about him all the time so I think I’m continually processing grief in the background.
Everyone is different. I didn’t find it very helpful when people told me how to grieve ‘it just hasn’t hit you yet’ and trying to persuade me to take more time off work when I really needed the normality and structure.
Be kind to yourself. I am sorry for your loss, it is such a horrible time

I feel like my grief and sadness are locked away in a little box in the corner of my mind and it doesn't take much for me to refocus on something else to not then be overwhelmed by the feelings. It's very compartmentalised. However, I am going away by myself in the Easter holidays. I think it will all manifest itself then, when I have time for my own thoughts.

I know how you feel. Dad died on 23 December, again unexpectedly. He was in hospital & the day before they were discussing his discharge care package. Mum is very poorly & frail so I've done all the admin and organising. I don't feel I've had time or space to grieve, even though we scattered his ashes today.

Then my cousin took his own life last Tuesday and I've got to be the strong one everybody can talk to & count on in the family.

So so sorry to hear that, iklboo. Take care.

You too.

I'm in the same boat op, on autopilot. I'm doing all the organising, being strong for the kids, paperwork etc, and I know it's going to absolutely floor me when it comes.

I've already prepped a select group to make sure they're ready to catch me when I fall.

I lost my granddad in Febrary 2021 and i only cried near Christmas.

I lost my beloved Father ten years ago. I was with him when he went and cried then. I think I was on autopilot immediately after and felt very little for a couple of weeks, I coped well making funeral arrangements etc. Right after the funeral I was very low but didn’t cry. About a year later I was at work and felt myself welling up. I locked myself in the loo and cried properly for the first time since he died. Everyone is so different. I thought there was something wrong with me as I would cry watching a weepy film but not for the loss of my Father who I adored. He had been unwell for a few years and I had more than my fair share of tears then so maybe that had something to do with it???
Please don’t put yourself under any pressure to feel or grieve a certain way. We’re all so very different and there’s no right or wrong way of doing it.
Sending you lots of love

It's nearly a year since my mum died very suddenly and I don't think there is a 'normal' when it comes to grief. In the first few days I was just wandering around in shock but every now and then 'reality' would poke through the fog and I'd have a little cry. I threw myself into all the organising, getting my dad's bills into his name, cancelling all her direct debits/credit cards etc plus (with the help of family) organising the service. I did a lot of this on auto pilot but I was always aware of what I called 'the sack of sorrow'. It was like I was dragging a massive bag of rocks round with me, wherever I went. That's the best way I can describe it! Some days the 'sack' wasn't too heavy and other days it was impossible to move because of it.

When the tears came properly, it felt like being washed away and I was almost afraid of them because it felt like it would never stop but I also knew this was an important part of processing the enormity of it all. So I'd go somewhere private and just wail! Once it was over, it was definitely a massive release and within a short space of time I felt strong enough to keep on going. This has been my grief journey over the last year. The times of deep, intense crying aren't as frequent but I miss and think about her every day and even now it still seems so unbelievable.

So people will say to you, 'grief isn't linear' and they're right. There are 'stages' but in my experience you flip flop and bounce between them all quite frequently. I am definitely not 'better' but the periods were I am ok are longer!

My advice is to just go with how you feel. If you can't cry right now, don't worry about it. If you need to focus on other things, do that. If you need a massive big snotty cry, do that too. Your mind and body are remarkable things and they will tell you what to do.

There is no proper way to cry or to grieve. I never had a huge outpouring of grief when my parents dies but weepy moments would creep up on me at unexpected times.