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Original poster

My dad is dying how much do i tell DDs?

12 replies

Mummytotwogirls01 · 05/02/2022 23:24

My dad has early onset Alzheimer's (he's 61) only got diagnosed last year he was functioning pretty normally at that point and we have been told now he is dying at most he has 6 months left! My 6 yo DD loves her grandad he was always fun but now he is bed bound and non verbal but he does know who we are! She knows he has a poorly brain and that he won't get better but do I prepare her for the fact that it's very unlikely he'll be around next Christmas or for her birthday? My 1 year old will never know him which breaks my heart!
My heart is braking for my parents, myself, my sisters, his other grandkids but most of all my kids!
How much should I tell my DD6 I don't want it to be a huge shock when he dies but I don't want her to be sad for the next 6 if that months? WWYD?

OP posts:
Imsittinginthekitchensink · 05/02/2022 23:31

Don't tell her that much information. She knows he is not well and won't get better, anything else will be confusing, she won't have the same concept of time and if you say she won't be there eg for her birthday, you don't want the excitement of her impending birthday to have the focus shifted to birthday =grandad dying. You've explained what you need to, don't give too much info or false hope. Answer questions factually in an age appropriate way.
I'm sorry for your situation Flowers

Beamur · 05/02/2022 23:33

That's tough.
I had to tell my 8 year old DD that her Granny was dying and she took it with a grace and maturity that amazed me. But 6 is quite a bit younger. Maybe you have said enough? He's very poorly and won't get better does say it all.
I made a memory box with DD and her Granny who was only just able to do it, but you could do similar, where you write things down with your DD that reminds her of him. We had a series of half written sentences that they each finished. It was poignant but fun. She won't remember things as well as she gets older so it would be nice to capture them now.
We were given some nice resources by the palliative care staff written by Winston's Wish. It's a charity to help children with dealing with very ill and dying parents. I found it helpful myself too.
Hugs.

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 05/02/2022 23:33

I would leave it as ‘he can’t get better’ for now. Then when it is imminent I would tell her he is dying. Six months is a long time for a young child. And their understanding of death is abstract.

I told my children when my dad was in his final hours, that he would die very soon.

Sablemablelable · 05/02/2022 23:38

I'm sorry OP.

I lost my sister to cancer when my kids were 5 and 7. I explained to them that she was ill and that it wasn't something that could be cured. They came with me to visit her in hospital and the hospice when they could (thanks to covid). They kind of got used to her being ill, without being sad about it IYSWIM.

At that age, I don't think they fully understand death in the same way adults do. My kids just seem to think of their aunt as being someone who was there and now she's not anymore.

CraftyGin · 05/02/2022 23:38

I think the main thing is about whether your children have this memory of your DF or a past memory.

When our family made the trip to visit my Alzheimer's mum, DH decided quite quickly that the children should not see her (effing and blinding). They should have the nice memory of her.

PiesNotGuys · 05/02/2022 23:44

He can’t get better. Sometimes there are things that a wrong with the body that can be fixed, our own bodies can fix themselves, or we can get help from doctors and medicine. But sometimes things are so poorly that they can’t be fixed, and that means the person will die. We can’t always tell when that will happen, because bodies are strong, but it’s usually when a person is old, or very sick. Grandad is very sick at the moment and there isn’t a medicine to make him better. It’s very sad for me, for you and for everyone that loves him, so we need to show him extra love and care right now, to help him at the end of his life. When he dies, we won’t be able to see him any more, but will be able to remember him, and talk about him, and love all our other family here with us.

I’m sorry you are going through this OP and hope your father is peaceful. Sadly my own dc have been through several Close bereavements and have dealt with them all very well, and are not scared, scarred or worried by the deaths they’ve experienced, I hope the same for your dc.

PAFMO · 05/02/2022 23:48

Oh bless you. Flowers
She doesn't need to know more than she already knows. 6 months is 1/12 of her life- it's a long time for a 6 year old and it's a time period which means nothing to her.
I'd just keep saying what you're already saying- Grandad is very poorly but he still loves you etc.
Sending you strength.

Original poster
Mummytotwogirls01 · 05/02/2022 23:54

Thanks all for your replies if I were to say anything to my 6 yo I wouldn't mention her birthday she has only just had her 6th birthday so her next birthday is a long way off! I don't think he'll make it to 6 months tho he has fluid on his lungs so gets regular chest infections only now they're not going to treat him and he has a catheter so prone to getting urine infections and again he'll just get pain relief! He's not got aggressive or swearing or anything he's just really quiet and the last few days hasn't got out of bed before that he was walking with a frame and using his stairlift and sat in the room but we live just over an hour away so only get to see him at a weekend!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummytotwogirls01 · 06/02/2022 00:01

I tell her he's still grandad and he loves her very much she gave him a cuddle today and he did cuddle her back! I'm making sure I don't cry in front of the kids so they are not too worried my eldest kind of accepted that grandad can't play anymore she is very grown up for her age! I just wish we had a bit longer to prepare it just went so fast just a year to go from almost normal to this!! X

OP posts:
SportsMother · 06/02/2022 07:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Policyschmolicy · 06/02/2022 07:35

Difficult. Is there another illness that is reducing his lifespan? Because my experience of Alzheimer’s with my grandma was that they can be ‘dying’ for an extremely long time. We had frequent calls that she wouldn’t make it through the night over a period of months. Same for a family friend. So whilst it sounds like maybe he doesn’t have much time it’s very hard to tell. M

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It’s horrible.

Original poster
Mummytotwogirls01 · 06/02/2022 12:44

He has a degenerative muscle condition but the issue is that he has frontotemporal dementia and Alzheimer's so he's not eating or drinking and has fluid on his lungs and the doctor has said he is in the in final stages of Alzheimer's -early onset usually progresses faster than Alzheimer's in older people! Xx

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