My mother has inoperable cancer; how to deal with a complicated family situation?

[Antst]

A couple of days ago, I found out that my mother will die of cancer.

We hadn't talked in about four years. She did nothing about my father's extreme violence and unpleasantness towards me when I was a child (he never treated my sibling or mother that way and I don't feel I did anything to encourage it) and she favoured my sibling in a way that drove a wedge between us. She used to hold me down and let my sibling hit me when he told her I had called him names, etc. She wouldn't buy me basics like tampons and clothing but found money to buy my sibling clothes and birthday gifts worth hundreds. It may sound like I'm exaggerating, but I truly don't think I was a bad kid or did anything to deserve that kind of treatment. I somehow ended up as the scapegoat and think that sometimes happens in families.

My mother's family members refused to speak with my father and weren't very nice to me because they associated me with him. When they have spoken to me as an adult, it has been to berate me for having moved away from my mother and not having cared for her. The bottom line is, I avoid everyone on that side of the family.

When my mother broke the news about her cancer, she said it as though she didn't think she had a serious problem and was waiting on test results and treatment plans. She has long-standing short-term memory problems and told me the name of her doctor so I could check the details. It turns out the cancer has spread throughout her body and she is already hardly eating. There won't be any surgery and may not even be chemotherapy. The doctor assured me that she has been told she will die. The doctor had to get her permission to share her medical details a few minutes before I called the doctor and she apparently mentioned her terminal diagnosis to the doctor then.

I have spent the past couple of days arranging home care for her. I don't want to force her to acknowledge her situation if she is more comfortable not doing so so have focused entirely on talking to her about the present.

However, today, a relative on my father's side reminded me that if she didn't tell me the seriousness of her situation, she probably also didn't tell my sibling or her relatives. None of the medical professionals I have spoken with mentioned having talked with my sibling or anyone else from her family. I was the one who told the medical professionals my mother's details and coordinated her care plan.

I'm wondering what to do. The thought of communicating with my sibling or with my mother's relatives is very stressful. When my father died a few years ago, my sibling did not share any details with me (funeral time or location, my mother's information so I could help her, names of people who got in touch, etc). The result was that I was cut out of all that and also ended up having to fix a huge financial mess for my mother later on. It was such a mess that it hurt my prospects at my job. I'm in a competitive field where there are few jobs and do not want to end up in a similar situation now.

I know they should be told though so that they have time to visit my mother and tell her anything they want to share.

I'm at a loss and would appreciate any advice about what to say and when to say it. However, right now, I suddenly feel really worn out and think I'll go to bed and try to get some sleep. So I hope it won't offend anyone if I don't respond until tomorrow morning. Thank you in advance.

I think you shouldn't make decisions based on what others did in the past. Make decisions based on what you think is the right thing to do. I think you should talk to your mother about it and think about it for a couple of days. You sound very sensible and like you want to do the right thing. Whatever you do, someone will think you are in the wrong. It can't be avoided. So make whatever decision you think you can live with.

So sorry you were treated so badly as a child. You are obviously a very good person to be doing all this for your mother after the way she treated you. Is there anyone in the family you can contact, who can tell the rest of them the situation? Does the sibling have contact with the mother now?
My own family and my DH is a bit complicated on both sides, unfortunately the stress of illness can sometimes make people show their true colours. I hope you get support for yourself .

I would let them know. But other than that I would not communicate with them. Perhaps pass on doctors details as well??
And then I’d focus on myself. This is a really hard time for you. Think about therapy. Get sone RL support. Make sure you eat,drink, sleep as well as you can.

Wishing you well

I think you should ask you mother and be guided by her wishes. The fact that she gave permission to the doctor to discuss with you makes me wonder why not your brother? Perhaps there are reasons you don't know about. If she does give permission then I would write a brief note and post or email it. Perhaps there is a relative that could deal with him.
I'm sorry you had an unhappy childhood. You are clearly an incredibly kind person to put the past behind you in supporting your mother. As others have said look after yourself now. You acknowledge that your brother and relatives should be told so that they have time to visit and tell her anything they want to share. I hope you also take that opportunity. I had a fractious relationship with my father but in the last years of his life I found out so much which made me understand him and it gave me peace.
I hope you get through this with strength and support for you.

Thank you very much, everyone. OK, it sounds like I should get in touch with her family and tell them how serious the situation is.

DoubleYouOhEmAyEn, thank you. You're right that I need to do what I can live with.

AllTheYoungGoodyTwoShoes, yes, my mother does have a nice brother so that's a good idea--to contact him and let him share information with the family.

Rainbowqueeen, it's a good idea to pass on the doctor's details to her family. On one hand, I don't want the doctor to feel overwhelmed, but at the same time, that would mean I could avoid the family beyond telling them the news.

Magissa, I wondered that--why my brother has not contacted my mother's medical professionals. I think it's likely that he took my mother's report at face value and didn't think to verify it. That said, my mother did seem to encourage me to talk to her doctor and she obviously hasn't done that with my brother.

I just spoke with my mother and she mentioned a friend's funeral and how she'd like to have a similar one. So it does sound like she has not forgotten the terminal diagnosis.

Thanks everyone. I appreciate this. It's hard to know if I'm doing the right thing after going over and over everything.