Mum

[whythewait]

I lost my Mum just before Christmas and managed to arrange everything and deal with the practicalities for my Dad. I went back to work after the funeral but now 6 weeks later I just can’t stop crying and feel overwhelmed with the finality of it all. I’m holding it together in front of the children but as soon as they go to school I’m a total mess. I know there is no easy way through this but it just hurts so much 😞

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I lost my mum last summer. Like you I was the practical one, preferring to keep busy, sorting stuff out for my dad.

I don't really have any advice just understanding. Be kind to yourself. Some days - some hours - are better than others. Much love to you

Thank you and I’m very sorry for your loss too. It really is a rollercoaster of emotions and you have to ride it out as there isn’t a way to get off 😢

OP. So sorry you ended up on this board. I hope you have some comfort from being able to make the final arrangements for her.

I'm really sorry for your loss.
In the first year after my mum died I used to cry in the car on the way home from work each day. It did get better.

Don't be afraid of asking your GP to sign you off work with a bereavement reaction. I'm a GP - it's very common for people to go into coping mode immediately after a death, and for the loss to hit them weeks or months (sometimes even years) later.

Some people prefer to carry on working, because it gives them structure and is a distraction but, if you need time off, ask for it - self-care is so important when you have been bereaved

Oh I am so sorry.

I was going to post the same tbh. It's 8 weeks 6 days since mum went I am doing worse now that life seems to, for most people, returned to normal.

I sat working with teats running down my face 2 hours this morning. It keeps hitting me out of nowhere. And Sundays are the worst, which is when ds usually goes to his dad's. Like you i do try and hold it together for them, but it must come out sometime.

Most Sundays I end up in bed sobbing for the afternoon.

I have no advice other than be patient with yourself, be kind to yourself. If you need sometime off take it. I have booked chunks of annual leave, to try and give myself a break every so often. It's the hardest thing I have ever done, I am sure it's the same for you.

I am just so sorry and I am here if you need someone to talk to.

Thank you, this is good to know- I would like to carry on working if possible to fill the days at least

You have all been so kind and I am so sorry so many people are in the same position.

I am dreading sorting out all of her clothes in the house and think my Dad is delaying going home as he just can’t bare it 😢

I’m sitting in tears again but the logical part of my head does understand that this is normal after losing Mum as she just meant so much to me and I can’t believe this has happened - she wasn’t ready to go and had so much to live for 💔. I hope you all find peace with your loses x

Take your time sorting her things. We have largely dipped in and out. Dad has cleared loads, he has found it helpful some days. Not others.

Its things like clothes that she hardly wore or even still had labels on. A pile of baking stuff she barely used. Things she did use or wear stayed.

We will be sorting her jewellery and I have been through it. I have one of her rings. Another ring, that is to be mine was her grandmothers. I grew up knowing that she would be gone, when it sat on my finger so i never wanted it. I have left it in the safe. I can't bring myself to take it. The other ring makes me feel close to her. Her handbag is in its usual place. As is her phone and glasses. Dad refuses to move any of it and it actually helps. He just cleans round it and puts it back. He wears her scarf now wherever he goes.

There's no right or wrong way. It could take ages. You may never feel up to it. You may decide to do it in bit and pieces. If you start and then it's too upsetting, let yourself stop.

Whatever you need is OK.

Thank you that’s really helpful I think we just have to allow as much time and accept it’s going to be hard 😢. She really has so, so much stuff and loved all of it so I feel guilty even thinking of getting rid of it…

Everyone deals with grief differently. I totally loved my Mum, she was the best and when she died, at the age of 91, I felt like a little girl abandoned. I was a 64 year old pensioner at the time!!
Be kind to yourself, take all the time you need.
What I found helpful was keeping busy, that sounds trite I know, but it worked for me.
Time does heal, and the price of love is grief.

@whythewait

Thank you that’s really helpful I think we just have to allow as much time and accept it’s going to be hard 😢. She really has so, so much stuff and loved all of it so I feel guilty even thinking of getting rid of it…

This won't help, but I don't think you need to feel guilty. But grief isn't sensible or logical.

If you can't deal with it now or feel guilty, then don't.

My dd (18) can even stand to see a photo of her, because it breaks her heart. I can't stop looking at them.

One thing I have thought of (it's something, me dad and dbro all discussed) is that we all may want to do things at different speeds. And we should all speak up and discuss it. We agreed no one was allowed to get offended because one wanted to get rid of something or thought we should do something and the another didn't.

That we would be kind to each other and work together. So far, it's working. Can't deny my brother has pissed me off once or twice . But we are trying to consider eachother as well as our own wants and needs. Easy said than done. But its good to be able to discuss things without, danger of causing a rift.

That really rings true, my Dad can’t even bare to be in the house where as whilst I really would like to have some of her things around me but don’t want to upset him by asking for them 😢 It really is the hardest thing to go through and I’m so sorry we are all in this rotten club

Its difficult. I am sure he wouldn't mind you gently mention some items.

My mum died at home. The paramedics worked on her in their bedroom and when they decided there was nursing else they could do, the paramedics put her in bed and tucked her in. So we could go up and see her.

Dad feels immense comfort sleeping in there. I find it painful to be in there.

Dad has been comforted by us asking for things. To him, it shows him we miss her too. Ds asked for a cheap keyring she had, that he used to play with. Dad was so touched that, that's what he wanted most.

I think this is what makes grieving so difficult. We all do it differently and often worry about offending someone. Sometimes to our own detriment.

My friend calls it the shitty club that you have no choice in joining and don't want to be in. She said its like when someone else signs you up for a sponsored marathon and you don't want to do and can't get out of. Which has happened to us both at work

That’s so lovely that your son wanted the key ring, when my uncle died I remember wanting the magnets he use to let us play with as children…strange what weird things we attach important memories too. Maybe I will approach Dad in a few days x

@whythewait

That’s so lovely that your son wanted the key ring, when my uncle died I remember wanting the magnets he use to let us play with as children…strange what weird things we attach important memories too. Maybe I will approach Dad in a few days x

Sounds like a good idea.

How are you this morning? X

Today has been a better day, had a wobble on a work call when someone asked how I was but managed to pull it back and carry on. Dad and I are going down to see my Brother baby so that will break up the weekend. I hope you are ok too and really appreciate you checking in ❤️

I am glad today has been better.

It will be up and down, but embrace the better days.

I am ok. Today has been stressful. But OK.

I do hope you enjoy the visit to see uiue brothers baby. They bring such joy. Even if it just for a few minutes.

You will be ok. I am sure of it. I think we just need find a new version of ok.

I am here, anytime you need to talk.

I read a review of a book written by a doctor who lost her sister.

The name of the book and author escape me, but one phrase from the book stayed. It was along the lines that Grief is the shadow of love. Grief hurts as much as it needs to.

Having lost both parents, and too many friends I can understand the sentiment in that loose quote.

It's no help to you, opening poster, you are still in the that buggering shadow. In my experience the only way through it, is through it. Still no help, I know.

I felt my Mums death on the first anniversary of her death more than I'd felt when she died. As the oldest child, I was so concerned about my sister, daughter, nephew and niece, I really didn't find time to do my grieving for a year.

Be just as strong as you need to be, let the rest go to hell. Cry if you need to, whatever you feel, let it out when it's right for you

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow

Don't be afraid of asking your GP to sign you off work with a bereavement reaction. I'm a GP - it's very common for people to go into coping mode immediately after a death, and for the loss to hit them weeks or months (sometimes even years) later.

Some people prefer to carry on working, because it gives them structure and is a distraction but, if you need time off, ask for it - self-care is so important when you have been bereaved

I wish I had done this. I just carried on as usual and a year afterwards I completely crashed.

Started on antidepressants and I feel so much better, and more like myself. The sadness is still there, and certain things can set me off (like the song that was played at her funeral coming on the radio and making me cry), but it's made it easier to cope.

As you say OP, it certainly is a rollercoaster. And it's so so hard. You absolutely must take time for yourself, and don't be hard on yourself.

Thank you all for the kind words I have found great comfort in this post ❤️ @AlDanvers I’m sorry today has been stressful for you I hope tomorrow is better x

My friend calls it the shitty club that you have no choice in joining and don't want to be in. She said its like when someone else signs you up for a sponsored marathon and you don't want to do and can't get out of

That's a great description.

I lost my father a few years ago, and my mother during Covid. Both were incredibly hard but, with my mother, I did have the prior experience to know that eventually things would feel better. The first time it happens, it feels as if nothing will ever be right again. It's not that you ever get over a loss, but you do learn to live with it, in time.

to everyone going through this pain.

I’m so sorry for your loss @whythewait

My Mum died very unexpectedly on 31st Jan, so understand what you’re going through. Please be kind to yourself, you’re probably only just propErly processing your grief given how many things you will have undoubtably had to deal with alongside Christmas and having children and all that entails.

My inbox is always open if you need support

I'm so sorry, whythewait. It can take a while to fully process a bereavement. When you are organising the funeral and the 'business', you are busy, it's not unusual at all to feel as you do a few weeks later.

It will pass, I promise you.