Help to support a child

[Child3twin2]

Hi, I hope it’s ok to post on here. I’m after some advice. I’m a teacher and one of my 4 year olds lost his mum in tragic circumstances a few weeks ago. He’s been in school and is very emotional but doesn’t seem to want to talk about mum, other than saying she’s in heaven. He’ll cry and then will say he’s hurt himself, bumped his head or something (when we know he hasn’t).
I have ordered some books for him but am torn between letting him come to school and have a break from talking about it, and introducing him to some of the books I’ve got (Goodnight Mog etc).
Any advice for the best way to deal with this? I’ve been giving him lots of cuddles (in fact he’s spent more time on my knee than off since it happened). My heart is just breaking for him.

Wow that's heart breaking!
I have no real advise on what's best to do being so young but just wanted to say your a lovely teacher 💕

Someone will be along with some advise.

You sound lovely. 😊

I'd be talking to the other parent if around or family members about how to support him in conjunction with what they are doing at home.

Yes, Dad is looking after them (there a four of them in school). He tends to rush off at pick up and drop off times probably to avoid talking to us but I think one of us needs to try to see what they’re saying to the kids at home. I don’t want to say mum’s still watching over him or anything in case that’s not what they believe. Really tricky, I’d hate to cause any of them any more stress.

Winstons wish is a charity that provides support for children and families, and professionals around them www.winstonswish.org/about-us/

I’ve also seen this resource used successfully in schools, although it may be a little too grown up for a 4 year old

www.nurtureuk.org/product/bereavement-box/

Yes agree hearing from the family how they are dealing with it sounds a good idea. I also think helping to show him you see and understand his feelings by saying things like ‘it seems like you don’t want to talk about mum just now, maybe you are feeling sad. It’s ok to be sad and it’s ok to talk or to not talk, I’m here etc. The more he is allowed to feel what he feels and be held in that, the more he is likely to seek help when he needs it. It’s very sad

Can you spend time with him just talking about things he wants to talk about? And doing things with him eg extra reading and making him feel cared for and listened to. No real advice trying to think what I'd hope for if it was my 4yo, I'd want them to feel like school was a secure, reliable support system that cared about them as an individual. I'm so glad he's getting cuddles at school too. Re death maybe see what he's saying about it and what he thinks the answers are to his questions as you read the books. Hopefully that will help him untangle what he's been hearing and any confusion or big worries he has.

As the mum of slightly older DC in this situation, first I want to say thank you for trying to help. My DCs’ school has been very supportive since DH died, and it really helps me to know that DC are cared for in school when they are struggling with what has happened. I think Winston’s Wish has resources for teachers that might help. The school have supported my DC to do some art work and helped them make memory boxes that we can put things in at home, but realistically that might depend on whether you have the support staff available. At your school do you also communicate with parents by email if you can’t catch them at pick-up time? That’s how it works at my DCs’ school, and the teachers have emailed me to update me on how DC are in school (especially DC1 who seems to be struggling much more. If so, you could update the dad, maybe see how he has explained what happened to mum. Some of the story books for young children talk about the dead person being in heaven or being a star , which might be confusing if that’s not what the child has been told.

Thanks for all the replies. @badlydrawnbear did the school start with the memory box type things straight away or give a few weeks for the dust to settle?
We don’t tend to communicate with parents via email as we’re in an area of high deprivation and we have a lot of parents who aren’t able to read. So it’d have to be a phone call. I think the head is planning on speaking to dad at some point now the funeral is done and things have settled a bit.
We wondered whether it’d be better to see the children as a group so they could talk about their memories and understanding of what’s happened. The eldest is in Year 6, one in year one and two in the nursery.
I have a mix of books ranging from quite factual ones about bodies not working anymore so mum can’t come back to Goodnight Mog where the cat stays with them to make sure they’re ok before flying up to the sun.
He has spoken of mummy being asleep and of her being an Angel. Poor little chap doesn’t seem to know what’s going on.

I think first thing has to be a conversation with dad and then we can make a plan between the kid’s class teachers.

I think they made the memory boxes before the funeral which was 5 weeks after he died, so maybe about 4 weeks. Both of my DC did a box at the same time, 1 is in year 6 and 1 in year 2, I guess it helped that they could both share their memories of their dad together. They did a couple of things together in the first few weeks, then it has been mostly DC1 as DC2 appears to be doing ok. So, getting the siblings together as a group would probably be good to start with, then the support can be more towards what each child needs, but I am not an expert.

www.winstonswish.org/supporting-you/support-for-schools/
I don’t know what this says because you have to fill in a form including the school you work for before you can download it

edwardstrust.org.uk/resources/
There are resources for teachers here. This charity is local to me and I think they advise the school too.

@badlydrawnbear thanks so much for all that. I’m so sorry about your Dh xx