My beautiful baby boy Finn was stillborn on Wed 19th Dec. I was 35 weeks and it was the last thing in the world I expected. I went to the hospital expecting to be told I was having braxton hicks to be told that they couldn't find a heartbeat and that he had died. I was already 5cm dilated and had a further 7 hours of labour before I could hold him.
We have a DS who is 5 and if it wasn't for him both DH and I would have fallen apart but I feel lost. Sometimes I forget what has happened and I still expect to have my labour and my son at the end of it and then it hits that he's already arrived and gone again. My precious boy's life ended before it even got a chance to begin and its breaking my heart. People on the outside looking in must be saying to themselves that we're carrying on as normal but thats our way of coping. We can't have a funeral for another 2 weeks because he won't be back from his post mortum till then and if i don't have some sense of normality for me, my DH and my DS then I know I will fall into a black hole so big I won't be able to pick myself up from it.
I just want him back - its so unfair that he's been taken from us. I feel so guilty but know its not my fault. I'm angry, sad and numb. I'm scared to let myself go because if i do I don't think I'll be able to pick myself up again and my DS needs me. I just want Finn here too!