Troubled by this. Minor but.....

[ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp]

My mum died recently. She had cancer. She died at home.

She died at about 5.30pm. By 8pm, her body was out of the house. Taken away by the undertaker/funeral director.

I know this is what happens.

But I feel really sad and I delayed calling the undertaker because I didn't want her taken away, leaving the house she's lived in for 45 years.

Also when the undertaker came, she asked me and my siblings to go to the sitting room with the door closed. There was an awful lot of banging and movement upstairs as they did whatever they had to do to get her out of the house. She asked us to shut the sitting room door so we wouldn't see anything I guess.

I just feel like my mum left the house too soon. I called the undertaker too soon. I can't fault the undertaker. She was so courteous and kind.

I think it's because I don't really understand why she was taken away so soon. Why there was so much racket. Why we were advised to close the door.

Sorry. Typo. I wish I had delayed calling the undertaker after my mum was declared dead by the GP.

Death can be undignified they are sparing you the sight of the body being moved you don't want that to be a lasting
Memory

In my opinion everything that made your mum has left the body if it wishes to stay close to you or the home it will the body is simply a vessel and its no longer needed

I'm sorry for your loss

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know it's probably too soon to hear that too. Please try and take some comfort in the space--her home. I like to think our loved ones are more than just their body. She is a soul. She is loved, and does love. Please try and hold her close in your heart, and allow yourself to feel the warmth of her love. I'm sorry if this has come across all jumbled. 💐

I’m so sorry.

Having experienced the loss of both my parents, I can say that initially there will be a lot of aspects of the experience that are upsetting for a time. My mum, like yours, passed away at home. She was taken into the waiting undertakers vehicle on a stretcher. I saw it all happen. It wasn’t something that has stayed with me but other aspects of her illness and death did, for years afterwards. Same with my fathers death. I think the whole experience is so immense and it is extremely raw for you right now. In time these aspects of it that you are focussed on now will ease. I think that what you imagine was happening in reality wasn’t nearly as disturbing as your mind has filled it in to be.

Hi,

I'm very sorry for your loss, I had the same thoughts when my dad died at home too-it was me who said I didn't want him there for hours so once the doctor had been we had the undertakers not long after (I think the doc had informed the undertakers too so they were waiting for our call anyway if I remember correctly).

Yeh I had allsorts of thoughts go through my head and felt guilty about "getting him out of the house" as soon as possible (his house) and how we could've sat with him for longer etc.

I lost my nan a few weeks ago she was at home too, we had to wait hours for the doc to come out-they said 6 hours! Ended up being about 4 hours and then another hour and half for undertakers-still distressing in a different way. Having a body in the house and you can' t get anyone to come out for hours. They also closed the door whilst they took her out so we didn't see, it's just because it can be distressing for loved ones.

I've always thought it's better to have a loved one go at home but not sure I believe that's best for them or us now.

Funeral Director's daughter here. The logistics of getting a removal coffin/casket up the stairs, into a room and then back down the stairs isn't always easy. There is noise and knocking etc.

When DF died my DSis and I both supervised the removal, it was still noisy and a challenge.

You could have delayed the removal but, sadly, it would still have created noise.

I'm so sorry for your loss

I’m so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks reading your post.
I worried that I’d called the funeral director too soon as well, but honestly I don’t think it makes a difference. Another hour and you’d still be in as much pain.
In terms of leaving the room I think it’s totally necessary. I would imagine it would be awful to see. Seeing my dad leave our family home in a body bag will haunt me forever, it was without a doubt one of the saddest moments of my life. Life is cruel.
Try not to beat yourself up, it’s easy to focus on these little things sometimes. I hope you have support around you.

I was 5 mins to late to see my mum before she died ,she had cancer and it was the 1970's.when I got to the hospital dad said she has just gone .I said I want to see her ,dad said you really do not want to and the nurse said leave it till the under taker has her .but i was so upset I insisted ,Oh my god I wish I has not ,her haid in the 4 days in hosptial had gone white and straight (she had always had lovely curly Hair ).her mouth was wide open and she had not her teeth in ,she looked 90 ,I said thats not my mum your wrong both the nurse and my sad said its the suffering she has been though ,that image is how i remeber my mum I wish i had never seen her , I have not looked at any one dead since I just say I would like to remember them as they were

Oh op. It’s such a monumental moment and so final it’s easy to start feeling regretful about things.

In our numeral day to day we move from action to and time doesn’t usually stand so still. So when it does stand still at that particular moment, I kind of think we’re not used to just sitting in it. And it’s an anticipated event which I think somehow feels even harder to just sitting in. Not sure if that makes any sense.

when my dad died it was early hours. So I got a call to say he’d gone and went to the hospice. We each had a turn to go in and sit with him alone. I was in and out quite quickly and still sometimes wonder if I was too hasty. I’ve played it back lots of times to try and think why I felt almost rushed in those minutes, and I come to conclusion that I really hated that he’d gone, that he wasn’t there anymore, that if I was going to be in a room with him then I wanted to be in a room with him.

There is no right amount of time. I think the guilt comes from your brain trying to process it all. Like it could’ve somehow been different if you’d just done xyz, but with time I hope you’ll let that go and realize that those moments are just a tiny speck in the duration and depth of your relationship, that there was so much more to your bond than how quickly or not you made that call.

Grief is confusing at times.

Thinking of you op.