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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

my lovely dad died suddenly on boxing night - can't believe it, we are all devasted

27 replies

josben · 29/12/2007 12:19

it's like a living nightmare - and now there is so much to do,

My mum is reproaching herself, torturing herself - wondering if she could've done something to have saved him... i want to help my mum and I don't know how to...

OP posts:
chocolatespiders · 29/12/2007 12:21

oh how devastatingly awful for you all...
so sorry to hear this sad sad news.... hope you can find some strength to get through it

is there anyone else to help you with the practical bits

MummyDoItUnderTheMistletoe · 29/12/2007 12:22

Oh, poor you and your poor family. What a dreadful thing to happen. I lost my dad five weeks ago. It was not unexpected as he was very ill but it was still a huge shock and my Mum is acting the same as yours, saying she should have done more. I think it's a natural response. All you can do is keep reassuring her and let her talk and cry as much as she wants. My heart goes out to you and your family.

Jojay · 29/12/2007 12:23

How heartbreaking for you.

No practical advice I'm afraid, but thinking of you all xx

evenhope · 29/12/2007 12:23

Oh I'm so sorry. You can help your mum by being there for her and letting her cry. You can also take over some of the admin- phoning banks etc for her. On a practical note, if your mum is insured on your dad's car insurance it won't be valid. We didn't realise this and my mum drove around uninsured for ages.

GoodGollyMissMolly · 29/12/2007 12:24

So sorry for your loss.

XX

MarsyChristmas · 29/12/2007 12:25

I'm so sorry for your loss. Nothing to add to what the previous posters have said except.. look after yourself too and find your space to grieve.

NorthernLurkerwithastarontop · 29/12/2007 12:29

you can and will help your mum by being the wonderful daughter you are - but you can't take the pain away for her and you must allow yourself time and space to grieve for what you have lost as well.

Further practical stuff - did your Dad have a shotgun licence - because if so I think that is also invalidated by his death - I think you need to contact the police for advice if this is the case. We didn't know this when Grandad died and ended up with a visit from a lovely policeman

So sorry you have had this loss - Grandad died on New Year's Day - so I know it's a lousy time of year to feel this way and get stuff done too.

theladyevenstar · 29/12/2007 12:30

Jos,
First of all I am very sorry for your loss.
I lost my dad 4 yrs ago on the 13th December so just 4 yrs ago, And although I have not go over the loss I do cope now. I can only wish you and your family all the best and remember he would not want you to be sad hunni xxx

Daddy My life feels so empty now
No joy in what I do
The reason I am telling you Is dad because of you.
You went from me so quickly and never said goodbye..
Now every waking moment I fight the urge to cry.
I wish that many things I did had never taken place
I keep remembering when i did and the hurt upon your face
You smiled through the pain and filled our lives with joy
Now where you once were is just a terrible void.
I sit and wait for you call and hope that it will come
Then i remember daddy you life is now done
I wish I could think of you and not remember pain
I know that no matter what I do my life will never be the same.
I close my eyes to sleep and see you laying there
I wish I could have stopped it and showed you that I care.
I held your hand so tightly and said I love you so
Whether you really heard me I guess I'll never know.
So with these mild words I'll tell you once again Daddy I'll always love you ......... Now who will take away my pain??????

Original poster
josben · 29/12/2007 12:39

Thank you for all your words of comfort and support - I wish there was something i could do to make things better but I realise that we all have to grieve and it will take a long time.

do you think that bereavement councilling would help my mum?

I have a very close family and so we are with my mum working throught all the legal / paperwork side today, but lots of people and places aren't available as its the weekend.
He did have some credit card debt and my mum is worried that she'll have to pay it immediately - do you know if that would be the case?

OP posts:
systemsaddict · 29/12/2007 12:48

Hi josben, so sorry for your loss, and at such a difficult time, too. I lost my dad March 06 and the stress of all the administrative stuff was unbelievable - although in one way it made it easier as it gave us lots of lists to work through and jobs to do and things to focus on - but it's crazy how quickly you have to start dealing with these things in a fog of shock.

Credit card debt: we discovered Dad had more than we expected and we were panicking! You absolutely don't have to pay it immediately. If you phone each company and explain the circumstances they should freeze the debt for a few months until all the money stuff is getting sorted out, and then it should get paid out of your dad's estate (ie, whatever else he left). We did get a couple of muppets on the line from the call centres who weren't aware of this, but it's completely normal practice, so if they give you any trouble with it then ask to speak to their managers.

It takes ages to sort out all the financial stuff after someone dies and no-one should expect anything to be paid off immediately so try and reassure your mum. It's also normal for her to feel she should have done more. Bereavement counselling may well help in the longer term - for now you are all in shock and it's just about getting through the days one at a time. Huge hugs and all the best.

Original poster
josben · 01/01/2008 20:03

My mum is still in total shock - and she keeps saying thats she wishes she could've gone with him... That she has nothing left and she just keeps blaming herself saying she should've done more ... I know that there is probably very little i can do but i wish that there was something.

My mum has 3 grandchildren that she adores, but my 2 ds's (5, 6) are being very boisterous and loud - they don't understand why everyone keeps crying - i'm not sure how to explain properly what's happening at the moment. I did get a book from the library about death (for children) but it seemed to give too much information (about cremation) and my eldest ds was a bit worried about it... he kept asking is grandad going to be burned? So I got rid of that book quickly.

I don;t know if its a good idea for my ds's to go to the funeral either... The minister said it would probably be a good thing to involve them as they were extremely close to my dad and saw him almost every day. But i donlt know if its a good idea...

Sorry to ramble on...

OP posts:
Hulababy · 01/01/2008 20:06

So sorry

lapinewyear · 01/01/2008 20:10

So sorry for your loss x

pooka · 01/01/2008 20:11

With regards to bereavement counselling, it may be worth considering in some months time. But I know that CRUSE do suggest having a gap between the bereavement and the counselling.
So sorry

JacanneAbox · 01/01/2008 20:18

I'm so very sorry for your loss

kindersurprise · 01/01/2008 20:18

My deepest sympathies.

McDreamy · 01/01/2008 20:24

josben I'm so sorry, I just don't know what to say

lucyellensmum · 01/01/2008 21:21

josben, i am so sorry for your loss.

With regards to your dc's, maybe you could take them to the service and let someone take them off somewhere during the actual burial or cremation. That way they get to say goodbye along with everyone else but you wont have to worry that the burial will be disturbing for them. It probably wont, children are pretty resilient, but i think it would be enough to go to the service as ime they tend to be relatively positive and a time to remember our loved ones. Whatever you decide for them will be the right thing im sure xx

singyswife · 01/01/2008 21:29

HI, my fil died very suddenly and unexpectidly 7 years ago and my mil blamed herself. They had to get the police to break into the house and then they found him, it wasnt until the post mortom results came through that she realised she couldnt have done anything for him and she stopped blaming herself. It is a good thing that your mum is feeling all of this now, my mil dodnt cry or anything and 1 year later ended up with severe depression and needed councelling. I think your mum is going through exactly the right thing, you need to find the time for you to greive too. With regards to your dc, they are only children and they will be bousterous and loud, they dont properly understand. They dont feel things like adults do. Let them be, I however wouldnt let them go to the funeral. Let them take some balloons or something to somwhere special and release them for their grandad, that way they have said goodbye without being around crying grownups. Hope it all works out for you am thinking about you. Take care

Original poster
josben · 01/01/2008 23:53

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice - I think that because we are all unsure about whether the boys should go to the funeral, that maybe they shouldn't. Letting some balloons go to say goodbye to grandad sounds like a nice idea, singyswife.

We thought that there was going to be a post mortem but there wasn't one, and then on the d.c. cause of death was respiratory failure and asthma, but we think that maybe dad had a heart attack as well - it was all so sudden and none of us knew what was happening, the paramedic did think that he had had a mild heart attack.

OP posts:
anorak · 01/01/2008 23:58

josben I am sorry for your loss

OverRated · 02/01/2008 00:03

I'm so sorry

threelittlesnowberries · 02/01/2008 00:05

So sorry for you all

lucyellensmum · 02/01/2008 11:35

i like the balloons idea too, something personal for you all, go to his favourite place and let the children remember him. I know i suggested taking them to the service, but lets face it, for the children they will be overwhelmed and alot of the talk will be lost on them.

Wishing you strength to get through the new few weeks xx your dad would be so proud of you looking after everyone the way you are

hazygirl · 02/01/2008 14:34

so sorry and thinking of you,take care of yourself,and it is a personal choice about taking children we didnt and im glad its hard enough looking after each other at a time like this and the balloons work wonders my grandkids let off ballons to send messages to their brother it helpsxxx

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