Should i do a remembrance for my dad ?

[TheOriginalNutty]

So my dad died suddenly in June. We were very close and I am still totally heart broken. I am getting in fine day today day but struggling.

My dad didn't want a funeral. I wanted one but I also wanted to respect his wishes and so we didn't have one. His body was sent to the crematorium and cremated with just the funeral staff and religious person there (sorry im not religious so don't know the correct term)

Anyway someone recently said to me that they didn't feel that me or my children had grieved properly because of not having a funeral and they are so right. I also have a suspicion that his siblings may be in the he same boat. We did have a family gathering at the time but it just wasn't the same.

Anyway, my question is, can we organise some sort of memorial instead ? In a church or similar ? Not being religious I don't know how these things work. I was thinking a short service with a reading or 2 and a 'wake' after, possibly on the first anniversary of his death ?

I'm not sure my brothers will be on board but it's just something I'm considering at the mo.

Of course you can.
In my Church it is becoming more and more common to have a 'Service of Thanksgiving'. I mean, generally, it happens after a private cremation on the same day, but with COVID restrictions, people are much more open to doing things slightly differently.

I went to one in the Autumn, for a gentleman who had died last January.

It doesn't have to be in a Church if that isn't your wish I went to one about 6 years ago where my friend who died had made it clear she didn't want a 'funeral' and she donated her body to medical science and there was no gathering at all. What became apparent to everyone left behind was that they needed that 'gathering' or that 'coming together' of people who loved her, for their own grieving. So a couple of months later they decided to organise a get together in a social club. They invited anyone who wanted to attend, and invited anyone who wanted to say anything to do so, then they played some reflective music and then everyone raised a glass, before having a bit of a buffet and chance to chat to people. It really helped everyone - not just close family, but neighbours, colleagues, friends etc.

I'm sorry for your loss

If you feel it would bring you and your dad's other loved ones comfort, you should absolutely have some kind of memorial event.

I have told my family I don't want a funeral - meaning I don't want them to waste money on a fancy coffin, minister etc. - but if they want to have an event to remember me, they are fine to do whatever they like.

Kite what a lovely post. I know someone who died during lockdown, so the funeral was tiny. They later had a bigger service so that the other friends and family could attend.
OP plenty of people on here would help you to organise it.

Yes do it.

My Dad died abroad in July. We didn't have a funeral in England but did a memorial for him at a local sorts club he had previously been very involved with. It was wonderful, if that doesn't sound weird! Lots of his old mates were there, wider family I'd not seen for ages. We chatted, laughed and cried, did speeches, and had lots of photos of him. Money behind the bar too!

It was a fitting send off, and I am so so glad we did it.

Sorry for your loss.
I think perhaps a gathering of close family and friends and conduct your own remembrance. Somewhere lovely and talk about the lovely memories he left. Music and food and drinks and smiles. A few tears here and there of course that's inevitable.
That's what I've told my DC's that I'd like them to do when I pass.
Nothing sombre at all.
It's your call. x

Thank you all for the replies. See we did actually have 2 gatherings already.
One was a family one and then we held one at the local pub for everyone in the area that knew him.

Both were lovely but didn't give me 'closure'.
Maybe I'll never get it, I really don't know.

Maybe I need something more formal 🤷🏻‍♀️