How do I deal with the guilt?

[ToInverness]

Bit of a dramatic title but here goes.

I had twins in February last year, and my parents, who live a long way away, rented their house out and rented a house near me, so they could be close by and help with the babies. In March my dad started feeling under the weather, by April he was seriously ill and was diagnosed with cancer after being admitted via A&E. He was in and our of hospital (with no visitors) until July when the diagnosis became terminal. Because I was busy 24 hours a day with the twins and they have no other support network here (and no private help was available at the time in our area) we decided he would have to go to a nursing home or hospice. The hospice here has been closed for months so he ended up in a pretty grotty nursing home. He was only there three weeks and then he died, without being able to see his home, garden or allotment again.

Now my mum is obviously desperate to move out of the rented house that has such horrible memories, and back close to all her friends and support network. She served notice in October to her tenants to move out in early February, which is a good month more notice than she had to give. But the tenant is being a dick and it is becoming clear they won't move out until either their house purchase completes (they are still doing enquiries so it could be ages), or my mum gets a court order and sends bailiffs. So she is stuck here. Luckily her landlord has said she can just give a month's notice so she's not actually homeless, but still.

I know none of this was my fault but I just feel so guilty that my parents have paid such a high price all because they wanted to help me. And I have been no help to them whatsoever when they needed it the most because I was all tied up with two 6 month old babies.

So yeah not sure what looking for here, I just feel so, so, so guilty and wanted to tell someone.

OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. You've been though a dreadful time. You and your family must be reeling.

None of this is your fault.

You have nothing to feel guilty for.

Your DP obviously love you and your little babies so much, and wanted to be close to you. I'm sure the babies brought them joy.

Please don't feel guilt.

And please consider bereavement counselling. You and your DM have had a terrible shock and are going through major life upheavals.

Life can be so cruel at times. On the flip side, at least your dad got to spend time with you and meet his grandchildren - I'm sure he would have wanted that dearly. There is no ideal situation, sorry you've had such a hard time and are feeling guilty - none of this is your fault but it is an awful lot to cope with emotionally

This might be a terrible idea or just not possible but could she move in with you until she can move back? It could be support for both of you but might not be practical I know.
You have nothing to feel guilty about of course, it's just a sad and difficult situation that you had no control over. Hopefully your dad had the chance to spend a little bit of time with your twins.

What a stressful, traumatic time you have all had. OP, I understand why you feel guilty but try to consciously ditch the guilt. It's not your fault, and more importantly, it helps no one. Guilt is a very draining and disabling emotion. Whenever you feel it, try saying to yourself: 'Right, enough of that. Instead of feeling guilty I choose to feel supportive.' Then call your mum or invite her over or chase one of her close friends to come for a visit etc etc. Do things to improve her day to day life instead of just feeling churned up and helpless.

I’m so sorry. I suspect your parents would feel that precious time with their grandchildren was worth anything. You have nothing to reproach yourself for.

Just think, when your kids are older you would do the exact same for them. Every else is circumstantial. I'm so sorry for you loss.

You have nothing to feel guilty for.
Your parents would have wanted to be close to you. Think of it this way - the move didn’t cause his cancer, you got to spend lots of time with your dad initially after the babies were born which I assume wouldn’t have happened when they were back living in their home town, your dad got to meet and spend lots of quality time with his grandchildren. And now when things fall into place with the move (which they will eventually), your mum will be able to leave behind the bad memories of your dads death and move back to her own home and just remember the happy times with your dad there. There won’t be any bad memories attached to her own home, which I’m sure will be a comfort to her. It must be overwhelming for you and hard to process everything that has happened, but rest assured none of it is your fault.

I’m so sorry OP. It’s not your fault. I think it would have been a bad situation however it happened. The pandemic restricted things and I think if he hAd been diagnosed at his home, you might have struggled to go and visit him with your kids - and you might also have felt bad about that. I hope things go smoothly for your mum.