Is my husbands behaviour ok and justifiable?

[Riverwildfree]

Need some advice. I dont think I'm being dramatic but please give me honest opinions.
My uncle just passed. I told my husband the night i got the phone call and the following day he had forgotten. We didnt have a good day (probably amplified by the news and him forgetting) but we had a few words and hardly spoke. I didnt remind him. Come the next morning when we woke he sensed I was still annoyed and so I blurted out..."well remember my uncle just died!" His immediate response was loud and aggresive and said something along the lines of "you didnt say anything and you didn't care when so and so died" which floored me because 1. it's not true 2. I'm the person who drops the homemade lasagne off to a friend when there struggling or volunteers my time or 3. Basically helps families organise the funerals. Anyways after a few more exchanges of words he says with arms crossed "well how close were you to him anyways"? OMG!! I am so heartbroken. He has done similar things before, left me with all our kids the night of my grandma's wake and didn't speak to me for the whole day of my aunties funeral because we had a minor agruement the day before about helping with cleaning up, etc normal couple stuff.
This is not right is it? I'm not sure I can forgive and forget this time?
Thanks I appreciate your time and advice 🙏

He sounds like a dick.

No it isn’t ok. And it isn’t likely to be justifiable.

My ex partner was the same. He had never had any of his family or close friends die. His mother hid all pet deaths and he had never been to a funeral service.

I lost several close family members in quick succession and when I told him of one (after two recent deaths), he actually rolled his eyes and tutted.

He didn’t ‘get it’ until it actually happened to him.

No excuse for not being compassionate or considerate of course but he most definitely thought his grief was greater than mine.

It wasn’t.

Understanding costs nowt.

Sorry - should have said that he engineered arguments (in my opinion) so that he wouldn’t have to speak to me and deal with my sorrow.

Not at all. What do you need? Is he any use the rest of the time, because this is pretty shocking, frankly. It's really not even reaching bare minimum acceptable human behaviour.

He just sounds nasty. I need my partner to have my best interests at heart.
Sorry you are going through this.

Thanks for your responses so far.
Yes he definitely being a dick. Quite nasassitic at times I think too and he's had heaps of family members pass, that's what I don't get? And the sad thing is he said sorry (after all the arguing) but my gut is telling me he said it to save face and it was too late.

Is he like this generally or is it something about death that he finds hard to cope with? I think that would influence how I felt about it. Some people are very matter of fact about death and some are terrified of the very thought, I think most of us are somewhere in the middle.

Yeah it is real bad he's said many other very nasty things to me before. I just want him to support me and show me the same love and respect I think I provide for him. He is a very hard worker and provider. I know he deeply loves me but I don't know.. I'm tired and my mind is blank atm.
Thanks for your real talk I have been thinking that the way he treats me and speaks or yells at me sometimes is inexcusable and unforgivable to most.

No it’s not right, he’s gaslighting you which is a form of abuse.

No he's like this with many other things. Not just death. Once I was very sick in hospital. I rang him to bring me something to eat (quickly as I had to fast soon for surgery) and he never came and kept making excuses via text so I had to ring my sister in law to help me. When he arrived, too late and empty handed, when I got upset with him and told him he is supposed to help and support me he yelled at me in the hospital and didnt think he did anything wrong. I was so embarrassed and upset.

Whats gaslighting ?

Thanks x

I'm so sorry that happened to you x

Gaslighting is when someone tries to make you confused by saying and doing things that don't add up.
For example hiding your car keys then telling you that you should take better care of them/are awful for losing things.

He's pretending you didn't tell him about your uncle, pretending that you shouldn't need support, pretending that you are picking a quarrel with him when all the while it's him.

@Riverwildfree

Yeah it is real bad he's said many other very nasty things to me before. I just want him to support me and show me the same love and respect I think I provide for him. He is a very hard worker and provider. I know he deeply loves me but I don't know.. I'm tired and my mind is blank atm. Thanks for your real talk I have been thinking that the way he treats me and speaks or yells at me sometimes is inexcusable and unforgivable to most.

He does not love you deeply. You would be kinder to a passing stranger than he has been to you.

Imagine telling someone on a bus that your uncle just died. They'd say 'How sad, I'm sorry'. They wouldn't say 'well, you didn't know him that well anyway' and shout at you for burdening them.

This sounds like the latest in a long line of truly nasty behaviour from him. Are you actually happy in this relationship?

Thanks for clarifying gaslighting. I quickly looked it up and read done examples and yes I do believe that I'd what he us doing to me. Thanks!!
And your so true I very common response would be...sorry to hear that at least. I have some deep thinking to do. X

Yeah your right. It is the latests. And every time I try to resolve an issue with him he brings up EVERYTHING. It's as if he's trying to break me down.

I am happy most of the time. Been working on positive self take and trying to be more selfish with my time like reading a book or finishing my cuppa while its hot haha (we have 5 kids under 11) but this is starting to become a pattern now and I'm so over it.

This is not acceptable!
It sounds like he doesn’t like it if it’s about you and not him.

My cat died and my male friend was so sensitive towards my feelings even though he hates cats and will never understand people having a relationship with them - because he’s not a dick.

I would expect my partner to be supportive of me.

Does he have any good qualities?