Does it get easier?

[2018SoFarSoGreat]

Lost my lovely mum in January of 2019. I think she decided it was time to go, really. When we were clearing out her house we found she had got rid of so much stuff, and prepared for this, if you see what I mean. I'd been staying with her end of November, and between then and New Year's day, she did a massive clear out. She called an ambulance on NYD, and died in hospital 15th. Doctors could not see why; she just shut her eyes and went. She was ready - we were not!

Anyway, in these first 2 weeks of the year are New Year, DS's birthday, my work anniversary and wedding anniversary. I just find it all unbearable, to be honest. In the run up I am replaying the days and hours, and replaying all of the regrets. I can't yet reconcile any of it.

Don't know why I'm posting really, but I'm desperately sad and just wish I could turn the clocks back.

Hugs and soothing thoughts to all who are struggling with new and not so new losses.

I think the grief is always there but we find ways to cope and carry on. My dad passed away in September 2020 and I feel very differently to how I did this time last year. I think it’s reasonable to feel like this coming up to the anniversary. I’ve found Cruse Bereavement very useful. Grief counselling has been useful for friends, your gp may be able to advise if you feel stuck. Look after yourself 💐

Hi OP,

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad to cancer in June 2021. His birthday was in November and I found it unbearable too.

What helped me get through it was doing something to honour him during the times I found most difficult, things that I know he would’ve loved.

We did a little celebration of life for him on his birthday, he loved sailing and anything nautical so we hosted it in a naval venue. We gathered his closest family/friends and we recounted our best memories of him.

I found celebrating with others and having something to organise really helped me. It never takes the pain away but being around people who knew him was just lovely.

Take care

@defnotadomesticgoddess and @Aarti96 thank you, and I'm so sorry for your more recent losses. It is just horrid, all of the ways.

I think what makes it more difficult to reconcile is that I don't live where she did, or where the rest of my family grieving for her, live. The being together, talking and laughing and crying over and over is part of how we process this, I think. I'm missing that bit. I need that bit. Bloody Covid has meant I have only been able to go home once since the funeral, and that was so tense and fraught for all of us - trying to be brave and strong and not set each other off. I need to go home again, soon. Without DH, and just to be home.

I do sometimes think I need to seek help to move on, but I'm meant to be the strong one - hah! I also really hold it together unless I'm with my family (not DH, although I'm not sure why - he is wonderful and loving and loved her too!) - that's a mystery I should try to solve.

and strength to all of us. Thank you for your wisdom.

It does get better I promise.

My mum's last 18 months weren't great and her last six weeks were horrendous. For so long my abiding image of her was from those last few weeks and I was torturing myself with it but eventually the happier memories started pushing through like bluebells in Spring and now I can remember her far more happily.

It sounds like she somehow engineered a good "end" so take comfort in that and I'm sure she'd hate to have taken the shine off your January celebrations. She wouldn't want you you to be unhappy OP

(I'm unclear about the meaning of the work anniversary?)

That’s so tough being further away isn’t it. My sister lives far away and has planted something in her garden to remember him so she can look at it where she is. I think it’s helpful to have a focus. We didn’t bury my dads ashes for a year because of covid and now I have somewhere to go it helps. Can you talk with your family on FaceTime? I did that with my sister a lot to start with. We all have his favourite dinner on his birthday, anniversary, just after Christmas, all of us whatever part of the world we are in. I also try to look after myself, sleep well (easier said than done) eat well, walk a lot. See or speak with my friends. I am the same as you, used to holding everyone else up but I was falling apart in august and need to consciously look after myself.

Hi op, I am sorry for your loss. Mum died on 2nd December. So it's still fresh. And I do understand the need to be around family, but not your dh (in my case, my dp). I really struggle when I am not with dad, or my kids or my brother. I want to be with people who knew her so well, they can tell me stories about her and share their many many memories. Dp doesn't have many of those.

As mum, died so recently, I can't tell you if grieving your mum gets better. Though, it's odd as she was clearing things out for many months before. Selling big items, getting rid of smaller ones. It is like she was preparing. Without knowing she was.

But, I was very close to my nana. She has been gone 21 years. I actually find myself missing her more, since Mum died. As a child if I coiling have my mum, I wanted my nana. Its got easier over the years.

I still miss her. Occasionally cry. The weight of her loss is still there. But it's got easier to live with. I think of it like carrying a weight. It's hard at first and you can't move, then after carrying it day after day, it's gets easier.

You can still feel the weight, but eventually, you just get used it. Somedays its heavier than others. Its always there. But yiu learn to live with it. It took me a long time. It might be different when it's your mum, I am on the path of finding out.

But, I just wanted to give you my experience with grief and ler you know you aren't alone.