My friend's husband passed away, how can I help

[MimiBaker]

One of my good friends has lost her husband. I am at a loss as to how to support. I have lost people close to me but not a husband. We do not live local to each other but are in contact by Messenger.

I've replied to the initial news but do I message her sending my love etc a day later or is that awful? I am at a loss of how to help and would welcome any advice. I love my friend and she is in such pain.

Just speak from the heart, acknowledge the fact that she may not feel up to responding but reassure her that you are there to listen whenever she is ready.

As someone in your friend’s position, a message from someone saying they are thinking of me means a lot. If you ask how she is and she says she is ok, maybe let her know you are ok with the honest answer. I generally reply that I am ok, but I have a couple of people who made it clear that they don’t believe that, and it’s good to be able to sometimes admit to not being ok at all. If your friend doesn’t reply to your message, send another one another day, eventually she will have the capacity to reply to texts and be grateful that you didn’t give up on her when she didn’t have the strength to do it.

For me the "let me know if you need anything..." messages weren't helpful, I was never going to ask.

The best ones were the people who kept in touch and made things happen, even when I was telling them I was fine. A how are you text, whilst shows some thought, is really just a chore to respond to, salves the friend's conscience, but doesn't help the bereaved much. A phonecall is better, but be led by them as to how long it lasts and don't mind if they don't pick up, but keep trying.

In fact I've actually distanced myself from a few people who sent "you know aware we are " messages but weren't actually there when I needed them .

Stay in touch is the main thing - bereaved people often feel that people avoid them because they are unlucky.

Texts feel quite avoidant and can be a chore to answer, pick up the phone once a week. If you can, suggest you go over to meet for lunch in a couple weeks or a month, have her to stay for a few days, or have her kids for a few days to give her a break, or ask her and kids to join you on a holiday - offer practical things that will be helpful to her as an individual. If you know her local friends try and connect with them so you know what’s going on - a network of friends is the best support, and will mean if she needs practical local support you have a way of helping her get it. Write a card now and send one periodically. Often people get a flurry of attention after a death but it all goes quite after a couple months. Make a point of checking in or being around for her for the next 18 months / 2 years. The first year is the toughest, but the second is still hard.

Food ! When my DH died thinking about feeding DS and me was way down the list of brain power.

If not close by then a food box ? My friends mum died and I turned up with a huge lasagne, kept them going for a few meals.

Staying in touch, especially in the long term, and by phone.

Thank you everyone for your advice, much appreciated.

Just keep being there even if you acknowledge you don’t know what to do or say.

Right now she’ll be organising funeral, choosing songs, coffin etc. Ask if she needs any help.

I lost my mum just back in October. I got a lot of messages “you know where I am” but agree with PPs as this isn’t particularly helpful as I’d never ask for anything. The first few weeks were so hard and draining. Sending food is a great way to help but if you’re not living close that might not be practical.

Also agree keep in touch longer term. I don’t think many people really ask me now how I am and I don’t ever want to mention it for the fear of being seen as ‘dragging it out’. For everyone else time moves on and it’s all left in the past. For your friend it’ll feel new and raw for years. Keep up the calls, keep asking how she is, don’t be scared to talk about her husband, keep checking in on her.

RE everyone saying to phone - does your friend like phone calls? I never pick up personal phone calls preferring to either WhatsApp or see people in person, so be guided by her preferred comms method. My husband died when we were 37 and I was busy with our kids, phone calls were left to ring off.

So many of the ‘let me know if you need anything’ people don’t seem to actually be there when you do need something…

Food is great but check what they like especially if kids are involved.

Bless you for being a good friend

Everyone manages grief differently - so one person's great support is another person's awkwardness.

From my own point of view:

• I liked people getting in touch
• I loved talking about my dead wife - and still do
• a friend brought a bottle of wine round and just left it on the doorstep for me.
• A lovely neighbour came round with some home cooked food amd stayed for an hour to eat with me
• another neighbour went for walks with me
• I was upset by friends who didn't get in touch
• as a pp said, don't just say "give me a shout if there's anything I can do". They'll never get in touch. You need to be proactive
• don't say "give me a call if you're low" - of course they're bloody low!
• make it easy for them to talk to you by keeping in touch with them, without forcing yourself on them - i know that can be a difficult balance to strike and reading people can be hard
• use texts and WhatsApp and don't be upset or put off if they don't come back to you

You sound lovely and she is lucky to have you

I really agree with , PP saying dont just text asking if they are ok .
I found it insulting and insensitive when my DH died , of course I am not ok.

Depending on if your friend likes talking on video calls (whatsapp etc ) or more traditional calls. Drop them a text and say I am going to call you at X time so we can have a chat , that way they are expecting you and not some random cold caller but it also gives her the chance to say no thank you .

If you can not go and see her tell her you are going to send some food round , try not to take no for a answer , ask what she would like .

My DB sorted out a tesco order for me , easy to cook tasty things like ready meals , pizza , tins of Hinze big soup, jelly babies ( he knows I am a sucker for them ) a few cans of cider and one of things I would not of thought of very soft balm tissues so my nose did not get sore with all the crying and sniffing.

If you can go round , offer to look after DCs / walk Ddog / go for a walk together / go for coffee .

A shoulder to cry on is very nice but sometimes its the practical things she will need help with, do you know / find out her neighbours , ask them to put out and bring bins in , walk dog , pick up a few bits from the shop

Send her this link , it is not means tested and really helped me out for the 1st year

www.gov.uk/bereavement-support-payment
And if it is in place in her area
www.gov.uk/after-a-death/organisations-you-need-to-contact-and-tell-us-once

Also if you know what bank she is with send her their bereavement link, the RBS went above and beyond for me . here are a few links but all banks have them
www.rbs.co.uk/life-moments/bereavement/bereavement-guide.html

www.lloydsbank.com/help-guidance/life-events/bereavement/notification-form.html

bereavementservices.digidocs.natwest.com/Login?SelfService=true

www.santander.co.uk/personal/support/customer-support/bereavement

www.postoffice.co.uk/social-responsibility/help-with-bereavement

Thanks @Weedoogie for sharing you experiences and thank you all for your input.

I sent a card and plan to message again tomorrow.

I'd say two more things. Some people that I hardly knew really came up trumps for me, while others, of whom I expected more, avoided me.

People are awkward around death. They don't know what to say, whether to say anything at all, they're scared of putting their foot in it and so they take avoiding action. They don't mean badly but they do, unintentionally, make things worse because the bereaved notice when people avoid them.

I don't blame anyone for being like this - before I was bereaved I was probably the same. But when someone has lost a loved one, you can't "bring it all back" by talking about it. Trust me, they haven't forgotten...

I was 29 when my Dh died-it was the first experience a lot of my friends had of anything like this and one friend in particular found she was so worried to say the wrong thing that she said nothing. Hurt me terribly-she was his friend as well.

I agree help with the sensible practical things are wonderful. Someone from work just posted me some brownies.

If anyone asked what they could do it was too much for me to try and think-far better were ppl just doing things.

Agree with above-food, childcare, pets, garden. Paperwork overwhelming so depending on your skills helping to sort through logistics is amazing-that felt especially cold and brutal to me.

I wanted to talk about him and loved ppl sending cards with lovely memories and acknowledging him.

I didn't want ppl to tiptoe around me but I would never ask anyone for help.

You are being a brilliant friend for asking-please get stuck in and be patient.

Mourning some in waves and some days I could do things and some days I just couldn't.

*also-I literally had ppl cross the road to not have to speak to me-I can still remember the devastation.

Also agree with @Weedoogie-some ppl I expected to help didn't whilst others went above and beyond.

I would make sure she knows that you're there but without generic texts saying you're there.

Very different situation but when my friend's husband left her, I randomly rang her to check in, went round with wine and cake etc. Just little things to let her know I was there and I did care.

If they have kids, maybe offer to take the kids out for the afternoon if she needs some time.
Otherwise listen to your friend to see what she needs. Let her talk about her DH if she wants to, let her lash out at how shit everything is

I agree with lots here. When my husband died I appreciated food being sent and practical help like taking my kids out, sorting the garden and help with all the death admin which seems endless.
Be guided by her and don’t take it personally if she decides to go off the radar for a while. Everyone is different and needs different things.
One thing I would say is that if you’re thinking of saying something that starts with an “at least” (at least he’s not suffering anymore, at least you have kids to keep you busy, at least he’s in a better place, at least you had insurance etc etc) don’t say it, however well meaning.

I lost my brother recently. Friends that I thought would be there just weren’t and others that I hadn’t spoken to in a long time showed up for me with genuine support.
What I really love is people taking about him, I love hearing stories that I didn’t know, funny memories, things he did with other people. What I treasure the most though is photos, I’m desperate to see all the photos of him that other people have. I find that a lot of people don’t know how to talk about him now he’s no longer here but he’s still so very real for me. I need to talk about him.

Sorry, one last thing.

Don't try and make her feel better. Her husband has died and she is devastated. Appropriately devastated. If she wants it (and don't try and make her) let her weep, rant, be unreasonable and you do what you think she wants of you. Go down into the depths with her, but don't try and cheer her up, or tell her how the grief will pass, or she's still young and will meet someone else. She probably doesn't want the grief to pass yet.

Practical help: food, childcare, pet walking etc; or emotional befriending

Bloody hell, I'm finding this quite cathartic..

and grief stricken about lots of different things