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How To Cope With Dad’s Grief After Mum Died?

10 replies

PinkBobbleHatAndGloves · 02/01/2022 10:21

Mum died suddenly and unexpectedly in October, aged 77, a complete shock for dad and me and my brother.

Dad is 80 but fortunately has good health, is very capable at looking after himself. He has friends and hobbies and opportunities for social activities which he is doing.
Me and my brother both phone him morning and evening. He also stays over in each of our houses once per week.
I’ve been doing most of the admin, arranged the funeral, phoning around various companies to let them know, sort things out etc.
Dad is understandably devastated, they were together 60 years.
He’s crying every day, every phone call and I’m overwhelmed and stressed with his grief. I’m so upset for him. I’m not even thinking about mum and my own loss. All I think about is him.

How do I continue to help him but not be all consumed by it all? His moods are dictating my day and I can’t afford for my relationship or my job (or my health) to be impacted.
I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
ImNotWhoYouThink · 02/01/2022 10:40

Firstly I’m very sorry for your lose and understand entirely what you’re going through. My Mother is exactly the same having lost Dad a year ago very suddenly and after 62 years of marriage. They were never apart, did everything together and Mum has never lived on her own before. Until recently I worried constantly about her, is she eating, has she locked the door, can she manage alone. Her grief is all consuming and she has started to suffer from extreme anxiety which she’s never had before. We can help with the practicalities of life but in all honesty they have to be allowed to grieve, you can’t take away the feelings of grief, they have to go through this and it’s not our job to try and make them happy and lessen these natural feelings. They say time’s a healer but actually it’s something that just gets easier to live with. Importantly you need time for yourself and your own relationship so don’t be afraid to set boundaries of what you will and will not do for your Dad so that your own needs are met. Hope this helps.

PinkBobbleHatAndGloves · 02/01/2022 10:45

Thank you @ImNotWhoYouThink. That does help a lot. I’m sorry for your loss too and hope you’re doing ok.

OP posts:
ImNotWhoYouThink · 02/01/2022 10:55

I am thank you, it was a huge shock and I miss my Dad terribly but I think if you can truly just accept things rather than overthink it helps. Take care of yourself

Mischance · 02/01/2022 10:56

I am sorry to hear that your Mum has died - it is a hard time for you.

Two things are going on here. Firstly you are worried about your Dad, and secondly you have your own grief to handle.

I think that your hope that all of this will not impact on your daily life is a vain one. This is a lot to deal with and you need to let it run its course and accept that life will be very different for a while. That this is normal.

I can see this from the other side of the fence. My OH died in 2020 and it was of course devastating - I had nursed him for a long time and watched him change and deteriorate in every possible way. It was a very tough time. I was not in a good place for quite a long time. October is only a short few months past and I am afraid that your Dad will be processing his grief for some while to come.

The fact that he is going out and continuing to socialise is a big plus; but please remember that doing all that will be a massive effort for him. He will be holding back the tide when he is in company and it is inevitable that it will spill over when he is talking to his family and those closest to him.

It might help you if you accepted that his grief and his responses are entirely normal. That might help you to be at peace with them. You say: He’s crying every day, every phone call and I’m overwhelmed and stressed with his grief. You cannot change his crying or make it go away; but you can change your response to it. Your response is to feel overwhelmed and stressed by it. But it does not have to be that way - you can choose to approach it in a different way - to see it as normal and inevitable at this stage and to embrace it rather than wanting it to simply go away. I used to tick along with a brave face and everyone thought how marvellously I was coping - but my DDs knew at what cost. I would ring them beside myself with sobbing and grief, and one of them would pop over and simply let me talk - about my OH, about the awful last months, about my guilt that I might not have been the best carer etc. Sometimes we would share happy memories, and sometimes we would cry together and share our grief.

You do not have to be the stalwart prop for your Dad all the time - you are allowed to cry with him when he does, so he can support you too. 60 years is such a long time and his every body system and thought will be adapted and habituated to having your Mum around - that huge void is so hard to get used to. And to be honest older people find it harder to adapt to change of any sort, let alone something as massive as this.

Are you getting good support from your partner? I think this is pretty important. I knew that when my DDs had been mopping me up, they had strong loving partners (who were also missing OH) who were there to mop them up too. Your relationship will be impacted; and your work; and your own well-being...... because this is what grief does. Your work colleagues will also have suffered losses - it is simply part of the human condition - and they should not expect you to be all bright eyed and bushy tailed.

I think you are hoping for too much in wishing that this major life event will not have an impact on you and how you relate to others for a while to come.

I found the best way forward for me was to be completely open: in company I talked about him dying (never passing) and about his life and about the challenges I was (and still am) facing - now and again I shed a tear and friends just gave me a hug.

You are being a splendid daughter with all the support you are giving him - but do not hope for too much too soon. Flowers

Viviennemary · 02/01/2022 10:59

Its really hard to see somebody grieving. But its early days yet. I would just let him work through it and deal with it in his own way. Some folk bottle it all up and you think they are coping well but they aren't always. I agree with accepting things as they are.

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 02/01/2022 11:08

Let him cry and grieve.
He needs too as do you all.
There is no time frame on grieving and it's a ongoing processing of emotions that need to be worked through.

PinkBobbleHatAndGloves · 02/01/2022 12:43

Thank you @Mischance, your comments have made me realise that I need to work on acceptance of the situation and of how it’s affecting us all. Truthfully I don’t want to accept any of this is happening at all but I guess that’s normal.

My partner is good, hugging when I need it and listening too. He’s sometimes a bit too cut and dried and will change the subject (when I want to chunner on about it all and repeat myself) but that’s his way of trying to help me - to try to get my mind off it all.

I am also trying to be the strong one, the stalwart, but I know I can’t sustain it and it could bite me on the bum later.

I’m sorry about your OH, it sounds like you were a fantastic partner and you’re clearly a great mum too.

Thank you @Viviennemarynand and @jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey - I see now that I’m trying to fast forward through something when that’s not going to be possible. Patience was never one of my strong points, I take after my mum for that!

OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 02/01/2022 12:47

I agree it’s really early days really and he needs to work through it. It’s really good he has friends and hobbies and with time he’ll be able to enjoy those again.

ChateauMargaux · 02/01/2022 20:51

I think we expect to heal to deal with it and be able to find a way to fix it.. what we have to learn how to live with it and all kerning takes time.

I know many people on here think homeopaths are charlatans but the grief remedies in homeopathy can be really helpful.

buckeejit · 03/01/2022 19:27

Sorry for your losses @PinkBobbleHatAndGloves & @Mischance & @ImNotWhoYouThink

This is a useful thread for me-thanks for the advice. We had my mums funeral yesterday & it's been months of nursing her & being there. The sudden gaping void just from today is hard to navigate & I want to get the right balance of being there & giving my dad space & being home again for my own family.

@ChateauMargaux - I'd love some recommendations on grief remedies if you can

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