I still can't believe it

[bluesnowman]

I lost my beautiful mum less than 5 weeks ago. She engulfed me in love and was my absolute rock. A wonderful mum and a fantastic grandmother too.

I keep having flashes of thinking I can't believe I won't get to talk to her again. She'd written my dd a Christmas card before she passed away, which I'd put up. I took them all down this morning and had an awful pang that that was her last ever one.

I'm absolutely broken-hearted but I'm struggling to cry. My dd is a toddler and needs me to be strong. How do I get over this feeling of being struck that I won't get to see or speak to her again? Every time I feel it, it's like feeling it for the first time.

No advice as I'm not yet in this situation but wanted to send my condolences can't imagine how tough this must be, especially at this time of year. Hope you have some supportive family and friends?

No advice, OP, but I also lost my mum last year so I wanted to offer some words of understanding. I expected grief to be some loud, dramatic experience but was struck by just how quiet and empty it has been. It doesn't feel like a process, just, as you say, these moments of being struck by her absence and the loss and my own powerlessness. And that there is literally nothing else to do but keep going. Time will not stop so we can process this, it just rolls on and there is nothing I can do. I'm so sorry for your loss.

So sorry, my gorgeous rock of a mum is in a care home with advanced dementia. She was my everything and we spoke at least once a day. I miss her so much even though she is still just about alive. I woke up from a dream about her last night and it took me a few moments to realise where she was.

Not crying when you need to is not a good idea. You are strong, and it will do no harm to your child to see you cry. I'm so sorry about your mum.

Condolences to you, it's so hard.

I just buried my mum today. She was diagnosed out of the blue with an aggressive brain tumour at the start of June, so I've had months of anticipatory grief & much crying.

Try to cry as it's useful for your body & mind. I find driving with certain emotional songs helps. I'm a childminder & have cried on many drives with toddlers. They generally don't notice which makes it easier! Try to have some small pockets of joy with the pockets of grief, although you never know when either may come. Go easy on yourself

Condolences. I lost my mum mid December and know will lose my dad fairly soon due to terminal pancreatic cancer. Not sure how long he has but it’s v difficult as it feels like there is no moving on from mums death because of this. Due to holidays we don’t know what to expect as he can be independent just now but he’s starting with stomach pain. He is dotting back between his house and ours but when he’s here it makes me feel really sad and is a constant reminder of how I’m just languishing. My DH is also starting to have pains we can’t explain so all v stressful. It’s like it brings to the fore your own mortality. Now I’m petrified for the kids that either my DH or me won’t be there for all their adult moments. Anyone else feeling irrational in this way?

OP and for all the others. You have my sympathies x
My lovely mama died 10 years ago when my youngest was 1 and my eldest DC was 4. I had just got through PND and she died at the beginning of the school holidays and I remember it was incredibly hard to be "normal" mummy 24/7 throught the holidays, with no respite.
My GP (when I saw her 3 months after DM died) suggested having a memory box of things that reminded me of her and giving myself time to go to the box, and permission to cry. I've still got the box it's got a dress that she bought DD in it and a drawing that she did.
Exactly 6 months after the day he died, I drove to my dad's and realised when I got there, It was the first time, I hadn't re-lived the journey to the hospital. Immediately after that (it started on the journey home) both kids got a sickness bug and I didn't immediately think "I need mum to help me". It was a real turning point in my grief.
Sorry if those stories are a bit indulgent, I just wanted to share from someone a bit further along the journey.

I'm so sorry for all of your losses and thank you for taking the time to reply.

@CoverYourselfInChocolateGlory I think you've hit the nail on the head completely, it's the feeling out of the blue feeling of absence that is triggering my grief at the moment.

@Fizbosshoes thank you for sharing my that all with me. I particularly like the idea of a memory box. My mum, since my dd was born, bought every tub of sudocrem to use for her nappy changing. I've literally never bought it, she would just get a tub for me every few weeks and loads before dd was born. My dh did her nappy last night and said the tub needed to go in the bin as he'd scraped the last bit of cream out. I then realised that it was the very last tub. The last one I'd ever have that linked to her. I hid it upstairs as I think he'd think I was mad saving it! Perhaps I am a bit, but it's so raw still. I'll clean it out and pop it in a memory box. Thank you for the inspiration.

@bluesnowman I am sorry for what you are going through. I lost my mum 2 weeks ago. I think I have been in shock and somewhat denial since then. Almost cold and matter of fact in dealing with practical things. But yesterday was the first day that I didn't have anything to do and it was as if my body suddenly started feeling the physical effect of grieving. And today the tears have come but the emotion is so strong that I am afraid of letting it out. I agree it is healthier for it to be out than in but it just feels so hard. I keep remembering small things and just the permanence of it all. It's so hard - I don't know if I will ever feel whole again.

I am a year into this journey. It gets easier, mostly but times when it hits me again.

I've kept too much of her stuff and will need to reduce it. I used her Christmas deccies on our tree this year, nice but difficult to put away today. I thanked her for keeping them.

I'm six years down the line and it doesn't get easier, just further apart. You never stop wanting to tell your mum what's going on. I just try to be the mum she was so my girls grow up feeling the way I did. Much love to you x x

I'm sorry for your loss. Make sure you keep the card safe for your DD.

It's 11 years today since I lost my DM. It get easier.

I am so, so sorry.

You don’t ever stop missing them but the raw, visceral pain, trauma and shock that you feel now does very slowly heal. I lost my mum 12 years ago and my dad before that. I searched desperately for something to make it better or make it not be so.

I liken the experience to that of a storm-damaged tree. The storm bends and shatters the tree but very slowly, new bark grows around the tree trunk. Grief alters us profoundly, it is there forever on the inside but in time we grow new bark around it and given enough time, bud new blossom. Sending you love.

I am so sorry for your loss and other posters xxxx

I have no advice.

My mum passed on 2nd December and the funeral was 30th. We go to pick her ashes up today.

I am sat at my desk (wfh) with tears just constantly running. I keep thinking thinking 'I feel so shit, I need to talk to mum' and then realise why I feel shit.

I can't wrap my head round it. I spoke to her twice that morning. Last calm at 11.30. By about 2.30pm I was sat in mum and dad's living room listening to 2 paramedics dp cheat compressions while a 3rd explained to Dad, dbro and me that they were going to continue to try to help her but they didn't think they would be successful.

It feels like a bad dream. Not something I experienced. I feel like that last month is some sort of joke or maybe I am having delusions and at some point, I will come round and she will be here telling me it wasn't real.

I have no advice. I am serving and distracting myself with frivolous things.

But I wanted you to know, you are not alone.

Sorry to hear everyone’s stories and yes you are not alone. I dreamt of my mother last night that she came alive for 30 mins or so each day and my dad saying this was a normal occurrence 🙄. It’s been nearly 4 weeks since my mother died but I’m not sure I’ll be able to move on as my dad is terminally ill too and he doesn’t think he’ll see Easter. All really crap! Back at work today and hoping to reach some kind of normality for a while. Only been getting to sleep at 4 am. Anyway, keep talking to friend s, loved ones, mums net and try to get to a place of inner peace. Thinking of you all.

@bluesnowman how are you getting on?

Sorry for all of you that have lost your Mum.

I lost my lovely mum a week ago. She had been diagnosed with cancer and had lots of problems throughout her treatment, but we never thought she was going to go as quickly as she did. She walked into the hospital with a suspected infection and died there a week later. I understand the feeling of it all being a nightmare and I’m wishing to wake up and go and hug her again.
The funeral is not for another 2 weeks, I’m dreading it but I need to be strong for my Dad.
Sending you all kind thoughts to get through the day.

Sorry to hear about your Mum, she sounds lovely.
I'm 8 years on and it was my amazing Dad who died and still get the feeling of how incredibly unfair it is that I can't speak to him and how he's missed out on getting to know his two granddaughters.
I do find now that I feel grateful that he was my Dad even though he died too young and that my overwhelming grief is the price for having such a wonderful parent.

Hopefully in time you may also find a bit of comfort in thinking that your huge sense of loss is because of how amazing your Mum was and that your life has been so blessed because she was in it.

Regarding the Christmas card you could keep it and put it up each year, a way to build her memory into a family tradition.

So sorry to hear of all your losses and thank you for sharing your stories with me .

@dickyduckydido I think the reality has finally sunk in. Inside, I'm aching to speak to her. My DH is very supportive but I'm so conscious that I feel I only talk about her. It's even more stressful because family have had a bit of a falling out over her will.

It's so sad
It takes a long time to come to terms with a loss.
My dd died in awful circumstances, 2 years later my mum died.
I felt I walked about in a daze for years.
I used to hate waking up in the morning because you would remember it all again.
Sorry for everyone's losses on this thread .