Funeral advice

[Nothingsfine]

I'll try to keep this brief but I'm hoping to get some advice for my DC 11 and 15.
Their dad hasn't much time left, confirmed by the hospital. He has made the decision not to see them for 2 years, mainly because he knows I will enforce a court order which allows me to insist on breathalyser being taken prior to a visit. He is a problem drinker and that is what has made him terminally ill.
His parents blame me for his drinking, his decline into a mess of a life after I left and took our kids. He was abusive and threatened me, he drank throughout our relationship and continued to be financially controlling after we split.
I have taken some great advice about talking to my DC (some quite tailored as they have ASC) but I have no idea how to handle the funeral. Do I go on what they want, even if they have no idea what a funeral looks like? I won't be welcome, so I can't support my very anxious kids through what could be really traumatic for them. I'm not looking to justify not sending them, in fact I will go with whatever is best for them in accepting and dealing with their father's death, I could just do with some outside perspective on it.
Thank you

Hi OP, sorry to hear your children are going through this... It's a hard situation.
Who will organise the funeral from their dad's side? . Is there anyone that can successfully bridge the gap between you and his parents that could help them through the day? Or someone you and they are close to that could go with if they wanted to go and needed support? (someone independent)
Would the funeral home help talk them through arrangements and a typical funeral prior, see the room etc with you if that helps them?

Do you get on with any of his family at all?

Or do you have family who they don't object to?

Because a trusted intermediary - someone who can find out wat the arrangements will be and you could entrust your DC on the day if you decide they should go - could be extremely valuable. It's a horrible time, and conversations might be preferable to written messages.

Most of this is far beyond me, and I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

However, if you search YouTube for "British funeral videography" there are quite a few professional videos of normal funeral services - both burial and cremation. You could pick a couple and show the boys to give them an idea of what to expect.
(If you do this - pick out the videos beforehand rather than doing a search in front of them - some of the videos returned are not straightforward funeral videos but a selection of more disturbing stuff, for some reason).

What a very difficult situation. It if we’re me I wouldn’t let them go unaccompanied, I think you need to be there to support them, even if you sit at the back.

Do you have anyone who will talk to you who will be there and can tell you what will happen, or could they ask the funeral director to tell you what will happen? Do you think a social story might be useful with some pictures of the kind of venue etc?

Or could you write to someone asking if they will support your children beforehand and during?

Thank you for all the suggestions. There is someone I trust in the family but I would feel awful putting the responsibility for my children on them. I could try and discuss my attending and sitting at the back.
The suggestions of video/social stories are a good idea and I'll look into them.

If the funeral is to be a cremation then almost all crematorium are able to offer a live webcast of the Funeral service

If your kids aren't independently expressing a strong desire to attend the funeral then I don't think I would encourage it or offer it up as an option. This is a complex and potentially very traumatic scenario for them and they would need you there. It's not your fault that the situation is what it is.
Could you perhaps discuss with them some ways that the three of you could remember their dad? A kind of private, special "funeral" just the three of you? Maybe writing letters to him, visiting somewhere significant etc. Something to acknowledge his death in their own way.

@Outlyingtrout

If your kids aren't independently expressing a strong desire to attend the funeral then I don't think I would encourage it or offer it up as an option. This is a complex and potentially very traumatic scenario for them and they would need you there. It's not your fault that the situation is what it is. Could you perhaps discuss with them some ways that the three of you could remember their dad? A kind of private, special "funeral" just the three of you? Maybe writing letters to him, visiting somewhere significant etc. Something to acknowledge his death in their own way.

Actually I was considering this as an option. Me and DC making a memorial of our own, a thing for just us, so we'd pick a place and talk about him and that would become the place we went to when they wanted to remember him. I feel horribly morbid writing that but it's the reality of the situation.

@sorryiasked

If the funeral is to be a cremation then almost all crematorium are able to offer a live webcast of the Funeral service

Thanks, that's good to know

Prayers.

What do the children know so far?

Do they know why they've not seen him? Do they know that he is ill and is likely to die soon?

Are they close to his parents?