I’m struggling because I didn’t get to say goodbye

[GobbledyGeek]

My DH died suddenly last month. I came home and found him dead. It was totally unexpected. I was in shock for days and couldn’t even cry, it didn’t feel real. It still doesn’t, I still feel that he can’t possibly have gone forever.

I feel so guilty because I didn’t pay much attention to him on his last day. He woke me up and suggested going out for coffee, I’d slept badly the night before and turned away and said I was too tired. I didn’t even cuddle him. He went out without me. When he came home at lunchtime I was busy sorting out some cupboards and said hello without breaking off. We didn’t chat during lunch as he was watching tv and I was on my phone. I got ready to go out, went to tell him I was going and he was having a nap as he often did, so I didn’t wake him up. Three hours later I arrived home and found him dead.

I regret so much that I didn’t go for that last coffee, that I didn’t talk to him over lunch, that I didn’t kiss him goodbye. Most of all I regret that I didn’t tell him how much I loved him, how grateful I am for all that he has done for me and our children over the years, how happy he made me and how proud I am of all that he achieved. Those are all things I told him in the past at various times, but which I hadn’t said for a while. I wish I could tell him I’m sorry for the many times I was impatient and nagged at him for not taking better care of his health. I wish I could have just five minutes to tell him how I always admired his courage, how I will always love him.

If only I had the chance to tell him all that, perhaps I could come to terms with his death. As it is, I can’t find closure. I don’t know why I’m writing all this because nothing can make things better.

Oh love, what an awful thing.

When someone dies, it is natural to go through all the 'what ifs'
But your life together was not that last day. Your life together was 1,000 moments day by day over the previous years.

Would it help to find some photos, a set of happy memories, and take time to look at them, and 'talk' to your dh. Tell him how much you loved him, how happy you were at those times, and tell him how much you wished you had done those things on the last day.

maybe write him a letter.

Have a think about something you could do as a sort of ceremony to say goodbye to him? A place that was special to you?

We have rituals for a reason, they help us to put our grief into words and express it.

It takes months and years to come to terms with sudden death, You are still in the early stages, be kind to yourself. We all grieve differently, and it can take a long time to get to the place of acceptance.

I'm so very sorry for your loss op.

He knew that you loved him

My heart breaks for you. I feel so sad to hear what you're going through.
It was unexpected so you wouldn't have got a chance either way. And I am sure your husband knew how much you loved him, regardless of how the day went. I suggest you try to say goodbye, to him in your on way, in a quiet room with the door closed, TV off, no noise or radio, and have a picture of him on your phone or in your hand and tell him how much you love him and what he meant to you.

It's still a very raw and fresh time for you, but it will get easier over time. And if you do believe in God, also try praying. It helps to think that God loved your husband so much he wanted him with him in heaven. I know not many people believe but I do and I think of God to help me get through difficult times as well as thanking him for what I have.

Try also going to friends and family for support and keep a journal of your feeling and emotions, Writing memories and good times and perhaps even the story of how you first met. Keep yourself busy also, to avoid sitting down and getting yourself really low playing over and over in your head that you didn't get to say goodbye.....
It was obviously and understandable that it was very traumatic for you to come home from a day out to find your husband has passed.
I wish you nothing but the best and send you all my love.

Sorry for your loss OP.

What you did on that day was just your normal day to day life and he wouldn't have thought any differently about it.

Easy to say but you really can't keep wallowing in it as it will only make things worse and there simply isn't anything you can do to change it.

You need to do something practically to mark how much you loved him. Plant a tree, write a letter, talk to him as if he can hear you.

Take care OP, it's early days.

So sorry for your loss op, what a shock. But be kind to yourself. You didn't know he was going to die so suddenly how could you? I'm sure he knew you loved him.

Gobbly I am so sorry for your loss of your wonderful husband. It sounds so utterly traumatic. You must be absolutely heartbroken. Reading what you have written about it comes across just how much you were in love with your husband and how much you cared for him. I imagine he knew that better than anyone else and I’m sure he knew that right until the end.

Grief is so bloody hard but you will find ways to hold it in your heart. Finding a small support network of family and friends might help but ultimately you will know how you need to do it because everyone is different. I am thinking of you today and sending you prayers.

Oh bless! So sorry for your loss!

The day you describe sounds lovely. Companionable, relaxed, no one walking on eggshells.
If you’d cuddled him, or woken him from his nap or ordered him a coffee or eggs you’d be mulling on that and wondering whether that triggered the attack.

@TheVolturi

So sorry for your loss op, what a shock. But be kind to yourself. You didn't know he was going to die so suddenly how could you? I'm sure he knew you loved him.

There were meant to be flowers at the end of my post, not sure why there are emojis, sorry.

You didn't know he was going to die. And by the sounds of it, neither did he.

No wonder you're reeling. But saying these things to him wouldn't make your grief any less. Grief is a horrid dark lonely path to tread - but there will be light again one day, I promise.

Talk to him out loud in your home, or at his graveside. And be kind to yourself

I’m sorry for your loss. It’s very hard.

Try to be kinder to yourself about this. Your husband knew you loved him and felt secure in that. That’s why you were both so easily able to just go with things. He could go for coffee on his own and let you rest. You could get on with things you needed to do too.

It’s awful that he’s gone. Worrying about what you might have done differently that final day (or at any point) is something you’re probably doing as an attempt to cope with the loss. But it doesn’t look like it’s helping you.

Are you having bereavement counselling? It might be really helpful to talk this through with a counsellor.

ahh he knew you loved him and he certainly would not want you to feel like this, so honour that ❤️. What would he say to you now if it was anyone else who had passed?

Thank you all for your kind and wise words, they are very comforting.

I keep trying to focus on the fact that DH died what the family doctor described as the kind of death everyone would wish for ... so quick that he wouldn’t have realised what was happening. He looked peaceful. I am glad he didn’t suffer.

At the moment I’m taking things one day at a time. I try not to think too much, but sometimes tears come unexpectedly. I still haven’t had a really good cry yet, maybe I’ll feel better once I have let out all the grief that I’m holding inside.

Thank you all again.

You must still be in shock op. I hope you have some rl support. Take it very steadily

This has made me weep. I'm so sorry OP. I think we should all remember there's no guarantee for tomorrow. I'm sure ge knew how much you loved him. Go easy in yourself, you couldn't possibly of known 💐

OP I am so sorry to hear this. I have had very similar experience with my dad (I realise this is vey different to a husband). It’s been awful with a coroner and Christmas delaying everything. I really relate to that sense of shock - expecting a happy Christmas but instead choosing coffins etc. it’s been traumatic for me and I can’t even bear to imagine how much worse it is for you loosing your husband.

Things that are helping me are :
Grief chat - an online service between 9am and 9pm. It’s on many of the bereavement websites. Don’t hold back when you are posting - I found this great as talking face to face you naturally hold back a bit.

Talking to a Vicar (I appreciate this might not be appropriate depending on your religious views).

Having an early hours preparation pack - if I wake up I tend to get very bleak thoughts. Instead of having the thoughts on my head I get up and go downstairs where I have 2 blankets and an iPad waiting for me on the sofa, I play word games to distract myself.

Drink fluids. I can’t eat much as I feel sick with the horror. I do force myself to drink though, water and cups of tea. Steer clear of alcohol.

I was really avoiding looking at photos but in the end I had to and I actually found it traumatic but helpful.

Don’t be afraid to cry in front of others.

Force yourself to get outside for a walk. Put on a face mask and sunglasses if you need to disguise your crying eyes. I find it a bit sad that the rest of the world is carrying on as normal where mine has fallen apart, but it did help me to get out the house.

I am sending you massive virtual hugs over the internet.

griefchat.co.uk/chat/

This rings true with me too, my Dh went to work on a Monday morning in July and he did not come back. I spoke to him on the phone at 10 am that morning and asked to call him back as busy at work. I didn’t get that chance as he was dead by noon.
I also regret not telling him how much I loved him. The previous night he was snoring and I asked him to sleep in the spare room.
My last memory is him sitting in his work vehicle pulling daft faces as he reversed off our drive.
I guess it is part of being a couple arguing and bickering and strangely you miss that too. I am sure my Dh knew deep down that he was loved despite this and I am sure yours will have too
Sending 🤗 hugs

@vickibee I’m sorry for your loss. It’s so difficult isn’t it when what begins as an absolutely normal day turns into the worst day of your life.

I keep trying to put that dreadful afternoon out of my mind, but it’s hard. Then everything happened so quickly. He was buried within 24 hours of his death according to Muslim tradition. During the night I kept going to the bedroom where he’d been laid out and lifting the sheet to check that he really was dead and it wasn’t some macabre joke. After the ritual preparation for burial I was called to the room to say goodbye and he looked so different that it didn’t feel as though it was him. Even when I visit his grave and see his name on the headstone it doesn’t feel real.

I suppose I’m still in shock/denial.

@Meadowblossom thank you for your helpful words. I’m walking lots at the moment, the fresh air and exercise help me to fall asleep quicker. Now I just need some way of actually staying asleep. I think Dry January will be a good start ... my New Year’s resolution is to take good care of myself. I want to stay healthy for my children’s sake as well as my own.

@Meadowblossom I play loads of Sudoku, it’s great for emptying my mind.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. I totally understand. My DH died suddenly too, while I was reorganising the freezer of all things. I had to get rid of everything in it (family donated it for me), it made me feel sick to even look at it. It's so, so hard. I'm 14 months in now and feeling more at peace with it most of the time, but I do remember those awful feelings of regret and horror with vivid clarity. They will pass, I promise. But grief is a long journey and it's totally natural that you're not there yet.

If you were under 51 when you were widowed you might want to consider joining Widowed and Young - you'll find a community of people who really get it. Sending you so much love.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP.

He knew you loved him, of that I’m sure. I don’t have any advice other than to remember the happy memories you have of the two of you and try not to dwell on a few hours out of the years you were married.
I’ll be thinking of you.