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My mother has suddenly died

11 replies

FancyAFlapjack · 23/12/2021 12:45

(Long-term regular poster, NC as outing)

My mother died suddenly last weekend. She was frail and had various health issues but we had no reason to expect her sudden death now. In fact, she'd been doing well over the last few weeks. She was found by a neighbour and I went down and saw her body, before the ambulance took her.

My father died many years ago and I was very involved in his care (my parents were separated) so I have been through this before, but my dad died after a long illness, and in hospital. Although I am glad my mum died at home, which is what she would have wanted, I am really, really struggling with the feeling of the ground being ripped from under my feet by her sudden loss.

My mother wasn't an easy person at all, and wasn't, if I am honest, particularly warm or loving towards me, but she wasn't malicious either. Though I recognised her difficult traits, and was often driven mad by them, I still loved her.

I am the oldest of my siblings and cousins and I am now the last person left who remembers lots of things about my childhood, and relatives who died before my sibs/cousins were old enough to remember them. I feel that a whole generation has been lost with her passing. I feel very lonely, though my DH and friends have been very kind.

It's so hard.

OP posts:
tallywag · 23/12/2021 12:53

I am so sorry for your loss. Try and be gentle to yourself and give yourself some time. It's a very difficult time of year to have suffered such a loss; lean on DH and your friends to support you for a while. It is very hard, but eventually it will get easier, I promise.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 23/12/2021 12:53

Oh i can empathise. I lost my parents over 25 years ago. It took me a lot of time to get over it but you do. You dust yourself down and get through. They have only died when you have forgotten them. I think about my parents and talk about them to my children. They know family legends and stories. It's hard but i have accepted it now and feel happier because of that.

LarryUnderwood · 23/12/2021 12:58

So sorry for your loss. My father died suddenly 2 weeks ago and I can echo so much of what you say. Be kind to yourself. I can feel myself cycling through so many feelings and yet also feel strangely detached at times. You will ge through this xxx

HeronLanyon · 23/12/2021 12:59

Just wanted to say I am sorry op.
I lost my mum similarly frail but she just suddenly went at home had been out and about the day before etc.
It’s a huge shock. My mum was also my second parent to die. I felt for a long time as though I was ‘anchor less’.
Just take each day or moment at a time. Do whatever seems to help - I talked out loud every now and then to mum when I had wanted to call her or speak to her.
Take what support you have - I was able to tell my dp and other loved ones how I was feeling and when I needed taking out or given quiet time or whatever would help.
My mum was similarly a mixed bag (aren’t we all?) and I make sure I remember her every day both good bad and infuriating and wonderful etc.
Support.

HeronLanyon · 23/12/2021 13:00

And support to everyone else who has been through this whether newly or longer ago.

FancyAFlapjack · 23/12/2021 13:16

Thank you, Everyone.

I keep finding the Christmas presents I had got her 😞

OP posts:
Tuliprain · 23/12/2021 13:19

@FancyAFlapjack

Thank you, Everyone.

I keep finding the Christmas presents I had got her 😞

This must be so hard. So sorry.
Beamur · 23/12/2021 13:28

It's a bleak lonely place. Practicalities get you through the first few weeks.
Let yourself cry and grieve and spend time with your family remembering your lives together.
Grief takes it own good time. But you learn to live with life as it is now.
My Mum died 5 years ago and I was desolate for the first year. I'm at the point now I can think of her and smile but there are still things that reduce me to tears. I feel that her influence on my life stays with me always though, so although I don't see her, I still feel her in some ways.
Hugs to you. It's a profound loss and you may feel yourself changed by this. Be kind to yourself

HeronLanyon · 23/12/2021 13:30

Op yesterday I stumbled upon presents i had bought for her to give to me and others three years ago !
It will get better. For now it is unimaginably difficult. Also have good memories of her on Christmas Day and every day. That old trope of ‘they live on in memory’ is true. I hold my mum and my dad close every day.

Lushmetender · 29/12/2021 15:08

Sorry for your loss. My mum died on 13th December in hospital. We thought she had a simple chest infection she couldn’t shake off but turned out to be heart failure. She got worse and worse and while they tried to get her stable for an op, her BP finally gave out. It was 8 weeks from when she started saying she felt ill to having critical care in hospital and the rapid decline was hard. It’s only hitting me now and similar to yours she had ongoing health issues and was not the easiest woman to get along with. I keep having flashbacks to the hospital, funeral, stuff she said. Im struggling as dad has terminal pancreatic cancer so feels like a never ending nightmare. And now it’s making me think of my own mortality with 3 young kids and paranoid im I’ll as I haven’t been looking after myself and there’s things I need to get the dr to check out. Is anyone else have this extreme anxiety?

Workinghardeveryday · 29/12/2021 15:23

So sorry for your loss xxx

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