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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Shall I tell my 7yrold DD her pony died this morning? or wait until after christmas?

22 replies

skankywitch · 20/12/2007 13:15

My first reaction is to wait until after christmas as her stocking is full of pony stuff, and she will be totally devastated and inconsolable.

But my MIL has spoken to a children's bereavement councillor and she said it's best she starts to deal with it now.

Any thoughts very gratefully received.

OP posts:

themulledsnowmanneredjanitor · 20/12/2007 13:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EmilyDavidson · 20/12/2007 13:18

Oh thats so sad. Poor pony and poor you and dd.
I would do it now though ,then she's got christmas to cheer her up. You don't want it hanging over you all over christmas either.

edam · 20/12/2007 13:19

tell her now and take pony items out of stocking

OComeOLIVEfaithfOIL · 20/12/2007 13:20

tell her now and take the stuff our of the present pile

Original poster

skankywitch · 20/12/2007 13:22

Oh this is so what I don't want to hear.

We go to lapland uk tomorrow then up north to spend christmas with my family on Saturday.

I just know she will ask for father christmas to bring her pony back.

OP posts:

Original poster

skankywitch · 20/12/2007 13:24

90% of her stocking is pony stuff, not all directly for her pony ie tack but pony books, cuddly ponies, ds pony friends game, pony chocolate and so forth.

OP posts:

Miaou · 20/12/2007 13:25

If she has a stocking full of pony stuff, then how would you deal with the "oh fab, can't wait to put this on my pony/ ooh this will be great for the pony" etc, you would have to lie! Also, if she ever finds out that the pony died a fairly long while before you told her, then she could feel pretty upset about that.

Five days is a long time in the life of a child - by the time Christmas day comes she will be over the worst and Christmas will take her mind off it.

If you can afford to and have time, then perhaps get some different things for her stocking, and maybe keep the pony stuff for if/when she gets a new one.

Original poster

skankywitch · 20/12/2007 13:28

As i said its mostly not stuff for the pony.

Just pony related stuff. All the family have also got her pony stuff including a t shirt with her and pony on and a calendar the same.

OP posts:

BahHumbugRubyRiojaNoXmasName · 20/12/2007 13:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

skankywitch · 20/12/2007 13:30

I will take headcollar, lead rope and all stuff that would have been used on the pony out, but not sure about the rest?

OP posts:

RudolphtheredROSEreindeer · 20/12/2007 13:31

id say best to tell her as fickle as it sounds, christmas and lapland will take her mind off it and at least she has pics and presents to remember it bythough.

ja9ladiesdancing · 20/12/2007 13:31

oh how sad

that's really hard

but i'd tell her asap.

Original poster

skankywitch · 20/12/2007 13:32

I now feel sick at the thought of having to tell her, at least I have 2 weeks off to be with her and cuddle her.

OP posts:

VictorianSqualor · 20/12/2007 13:32

I think you should tell her now, xmas might even help take her mind off it.

If you think she'll ask father christmas for the pony back you'll need to explain before hand, just so she doesn't get doubly disappointed.

Sorry to hear this.

Original poster

skankywitch · 20/12/2007 13:39

Poor dd she was so excited going to school today as she found her lapland uk invite in the fireplace this morning, she only turned 7 last week and is such a believer in all things magical like santa.

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Zazette · 20/12/2007 13:44

Have you and she had to deal with any bereavements before? I ask because a recent experience makes me think she may deal with this better than you expect. My dd's best friend (then aged nearly 8) lost her adored granny this summer. She was devastated, heartbroken, wept and screamed at the funeral - and was then running around happily playing at the wake an hour later. Which is as it should be. She has times when she badly misses her granny - but basically she is getting on with being a happy little girl.

My point is that children can be deeply distressed by serious emotional losses, but they are also immensely resilient. Yes, your dd will be very sad about her pony, but really she is not going to go into a decline and be endlessly unrelievedly miserable all through the holidays.

I do agree though with those who say that telling her now is better than a week or more of emotional deception.

hellish · 20/12/2007 13:48

Agree with other posters. It's very hard but I would tell her. I think you should take out the things to be used on her pony but leave all the pony related gifts - She'll still be interested in ponies and riding when she starts to get over her very sad loss.

Original poster

skankywitch · 20/12/2007 13:49

Thank you all for your help.

I'm going to see what I can take out of her stocking and finish my packing.

What a dreadful way to start the christmas break, but as awful as it is at least we are all ok.

I know some people will really be going through hell this christmas.

Thank you all again for taking the time to reply. xx

OP posts:

MascaraOHara · 20/12/2007 13:50

Get down a dealers yard and buy her a new one.. tell her now and buy her a new one for Christmas.. kids are fickle, sorry. Old or Ill?

Original poster

skankywitch · 20/12/2007 13:59

Zazette the only bereavement we have dealt with before was in July of this year when her hamster died, she had got it for her birthday in December of last year (we are not serial pet murderers honest)

She cried far more that I thought she would but of course she is fine now, just mentions how much she misses her hamster which is fine.

And also asks when she can get another one.

OP posts:

Original poster

skankywitch · 20/12/2007 14:04

No idea why pony died, she was fine yesterday and only a youngster.

Poor mil found her still warm this morning.

OP posts:

kittylouise · 20/12/2007 14:11

Are you intending getting her another one? Because, heartless as it may seem, it may be the best way of moving on. I agree with the other posters that it would be best to tell her straight away, no matter how much you try not to you will end up having to fib, and it will be quite a strain on you to keep that a secret.

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