Wasn’t sure what to call this post.
My DP both passed away from covid at the start of the year. It’s been an awful year and made much more difficult by my DBs. They’ve had time to wallow in their grief while I was the one who was in daily contact with the hospital, made all the phone calls, organised the funerals and acted as sole executor for their estates (2 DB resigned as executors). I’m amazed I’m still standing to be absolutely honest. I’ve tried my utmost to be patient and respect that they are grieving while being spectacularly stressed with having to do everything and tried my best to keep them updated with what was going on. I’ve involved them in decisions (including things like the placement and wording on a memorial bench), kept them updated on timelines and to be absolutely frank have carried them through all the practical stuff. One DB came over from abroad and stayed at my DPs empty house (with his family for 10 weeks) and I cleared some of the things and cleaned it ready for his arrival so that it felt more homely and less like it had just been abandoned. That was never acknowledged. Indeed he whinged that I’d cleared the old food from the fridge and freezer and there was no food in the house when they arrived. I’ve had whinges and moans from them about lots of things and have been patient and open.
I refused to arrange anything for scattering of the ashes as I was exhausted and my DMIL was in hospital (she passed away 3 months after my DP). I collected the ashes but said that it was for my DB to arrange what we did with them and when. We had a good idea on what they would have wanted based on what my DP had said in the past so I left it to them.
They arranged a date and I was planning to attend with my family. On the morning of the day, they started a WhatsApp conversation asking if anyone knew exactly where we were going and where we scatter them, how we would scatter ashes and one even asked whether he should bring his spade and if anyone had a poem to read. I hit the roof - they had one job to organise and they haven’t thought about it in advance. I can’t work like that, especially with an event like that and where, at least in theory, they should have sought the permission of the land owner in advance. I pulled out. One DB still came round and collected the ashes from me - I handed them over because they were not solely my property and belonged to all of us, but in some ways wish I hadn’t.
The next day I sent a text explaining my reaction, that I couldn’t cope with the scattering of the ashes being as disorganised as it was, and ending by saying that they could do what they wanted with them.
I found out today that they scattered them two days later without me. One of them did a reccy and found a good spot, one prepared some words and then they went and did it.
I’m gutted that they didn’t invite me again once they had made better plans, even though I told them to do it without me. I’m gutted that it has taken them 6+ months to tell me. And to be honest I think it’s ruined any real relationship I might have with them in future. I don’t know how I get over this. Part of it is my stupid fault for not organising it in the first place and leaving it to them, then having a hissy fit and telling them to do it without me.
How do I move on from this?