My sister died - will I feel heartbroken forever?

[avocadoandtears]

My beautiful sister died suddenly this summer - totally unexpectedly and only in her early 40s. I've been doing OK but as Christmas approaches am just feeling so so sad. I miss her so much and am wondering if I will feel utterly heartbroken forever? Has anyone else lost a sibling at such a young age?

I'm so sorry. Life does change shape. It takes longer than you'd think but these feelings do evolve into something less ever-present. But years rather than months sometimes.

I’m so sorry for your loss .
I really don’t know how long the intense grieving will be , but I just wanted to say how sorry I am for you .
I have a younger sibling who is extremely ill at the moment and only a miracle will help .. so will follow your path in time .

Take care and god bless - I hope you manage to get through the festive season as best you can and have good support around you .

@avocadoandtears

My beautiful sister died suddenly this summer - totally unexpectedly and only in her early 40s. I've been doing OK but as Christmas approaches am just feeling so so sad. I miss her so much and am wondering if I will feel utterly heartbroken forever? Has anyone else lost a sibling at such a young age?

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I lost my brother when he was in his early 40's. It's been nearly 6 years and although il never stop missing him and longing for just one more conversation the pain changes.

In the beginning I struggled to function on any level and have had a number of periods of depression over the years but I have times too where I can look back fondly and be grateful for having had him as my brother. That would not have been possible in those early days.

For me the hardest parts was never getting the chance to say all the things I wanted to, although I know he knew how much I loved him and taking for granted he would be there for all the important times in life.

Please take care you yourself and take as much time as you need to grieve, I don't think the grieving process ends it just becomes more bearable.

Once again I'm so sorry for your loss

I can't even begin to imagine your pain. Sisters are so special. As others have said pain does change over time. You never forget them or miss them less but it just gets a bit easier to cope with but your loss is still raw. Remember your beautiful sister and how much she loved you. Now you are living life for both of you. 💓

So sorry for your loss.💐.
I lost my sister in 2005. The only way I can describe it is that at first it’s unbearable and then after a long while, you get used to bearing the pain. I miss her a lot in a background way, and then more acutely when her lovely daughter is coming for Christmas with her brand new husband. I have several little weeps before she gets here, and then I hold it together for the duration. It’s upsetting writing about it, you have my utmost sympathy.

Yes OP, I lost my brother when he was 28. He would have been 36 this year.

All I can tell you is that the pain eventually goes, it crashes like waves but it subsides.
I went from crying multiple times a day, to once a day, to once every other day, then once a week, once a month and so on.
The grief is a huge internal wound, and you can’t expect to feel ok with that until it heals some.
I always envisioned my brothers loss like a hole in my life. At the beginning it was raw and bloody and awful to touch. As time went past, the hole was just as large but the edges weren’t as raw and sore to touch. Soon the edges were smooth and healed. The hole never healed but it doesn’t impact my life on a daily basis.

There are times that I cry so hard I can’t breathe thinking about him. But they’re so few and far between. Mostly I talk about him all the time and it doesn’t hurt me.

I’m so so sorry for your loss and so sorry that you’ve got such a way to go in your journey. It is a long painful road that’s so individual to everyone even for members of your own family.

Just please don’t think that you “should” be at a certain place in your grief. There is no should here. Don’t put expectations on yourself to feel or be a certain way. One day you’ll be ok and not think of her, the next day you’ll be distraught and feel of guilt that you didn’t think of her the day before! Both of those are perfectly, heartbreakingly normal.

Please go easy on yourself xx

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s so very hard, please give yourself time to grieve and go easy on yourself.

I lost my brilliant older sister 20 years ago when she was mid-30s. I miss her always but my grief has changed to something I live with. I still have days that I cry because I wish she was here, or because I wish she’d got to meet my kids, or because I just miss her. But I no longer feel like I’m wading through treacle just to get through the day.

I hope you have someone you can talk to / with, whether professional or friends. Remember that you are grieving and small things might make you irrationally angry or incredibly sad - be compassionate to yourself.

I’m so sorry.

I lost mine suddenly in March this year - he was 47. We fought like cat and dog but since he died I’ve thought of him every single day. I get upset about everything he’s going to miss. My parents died early so he was the last of our nuclear family and I feel like I’m grieving the loss of them all over again. It will get easier. It has to. But Christmas, birthdays, significant dates, anniversaries will always be tough, but rarely as bad as the first year. Look after yourself and keep him in your heart.

Thanks everyone. Yes it's so raw and still horrific to even think about too deeply. Just like that, she was gone from our lives. It still feels so unbelievable, that if I saw her walking down the street tomorrow I wouldn't be surprised

I once read somewhere that when someone dies you grieve not for the future, but for the past. That was true with older relatives but not for my sister. I'm already getting sad about the big life events over the years that she won't be there for.

I also feel tortured for not being able to say goodbye and tell her how much I loved her. We lived close to each other with an everyday chatty relationship - but I guess with life, family and work, I didn't prioritise her at all in my life. I just took it for granted that she'd always be there.

I'm just rambling now but need to talk

I've experienced some shocking grief and someone said this to me - and it really resonated and rang true to me:

'The grief never goes away, but over time you find a place within you to store it comfortably and it becomes easier to carry'

That somehow comforted me, I hope it does for you too, time really helps but the feelings of loss will never go away.

My youngest sister died in 2014 aged 33. I went mad for a year afterwards I think, or longer. It was so desperately painful. It still is but not all the time. I miss her so much and am so sad for her and all the things we've lost, the years we didn't get.

Sending you love and solidarity xx

My sister died in a car crash when she was 18. It's been decades but family times like Christmas, events like a new baby in the family, significant dates - birthday or anniversary of her death always bring her to the front of my mind and I still miss her. I always will

I lost my lovely big sister five years ago. We knew she was dying so thankfully got a chance to say goodbye. Christmas is incredibly painful as she was born at Christmas and died at Christmas and loved Christmas !! But we do it anyway for her. The pain never goes away but it gets less intense and you learn to live with it.

I've worked in bereavement counselling. The way I describe grief is that there's shock, anger and raw emotion, but over time as your life progresses they are ever present in your thoughts but as beautiful memories and you feel wistfully that you wish they could be there without that rawness. The length of time to get to that point varies a lot depending on relationship, circumstances and you, no right or wrong. Loosing a child however is different in my experience, far harder

PM sent.

IME it doesn’t get easier but harder. But I was in my teens when I lost my only sister. It’s incredibly lonely.
I am so sorry for your loss

Hi OP, I'm so sorry for your loss.

One of my younger brothers died aged 27, a few years ago. He was ill but I didn't think he would die. My personal experience is that it gets easier to handle, but the sadness doesn't go away. I've sort of 'filed' it away, and usually find myself accessing it from time to time, in quite a controlled way; choosing to listen to songs that remind me of him, and having a bit of a cry. It doesn't rear up on me like it used to; in the early days I experienced a violent sadness that I just didn't know existed, it was really shocking, it seemed to rip through me physically. Much like @Hoolihan, in retrospect I was basically mad for a year or so, it just changed everything. I look at my life in two periods; the first leading up to his death, and the second the period following it. Having said that, I would describe myself as happy now! It's a funny old life. Hang in there - grief takes a long time to come to terms with.

I notice that you're asking if anyone else has lost a sibling, this reminds me that it's quite a lonely place; the Compassionate Friends have a sibling 'arm', I've found them a support. Whatsyourgrief.com is also worth having a look. And please do keep posting here if you want to, we're here for you xxx

I lost my younger sister very suddenly last summer (unexpectedly and not Covid related) and the pain is still overwhelming some days - I feel I have not only lost her but the close relationship I had with my remaining siblings as being together just makes it so obvious that one of us is missing we try but I cannot think we will ever be able to get past this missing piece

Have you come across the ball in the box analogy? It's a useful way to navigate grief.

In my experience of sibling loss, the rawness softens and the pain dims to sadness. I don't want to lose the sadness though because it's my connection with her. So it's a sadness that I feel privileged to carry.

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your sister, OP.

My brother died nearly a year ago, he was 31. Not covid related, but various issues and feelings that nobody cared to find out what happened to him, so there are still many questions to be answered which drags it all on.

The pandemic has made grieving especially hard. We've typically not spent as much time with loved ones, been restricted as to when and how we could say goodbye, and that's on top of the already horrendous situation of losing a loved one. Sibling grief is a strange one too, I could never have imagined what it would be like.

I've found Christmas really hard. There is a big void where my brother would be, and nothing will ever fill that. I feel envious of people who don't have know or feel this pain. I have better days and worse ones and just go with it, there isn't much more you can do. I do find it helpful seeking out others who have lost a sibling, they understand, and most others don't.

I lost my brother nearly two years ago. The first year the shock, the trauma, the grief, it was too painful to bear. This year there are lots of moments that make me catch my breath but it's manageable.

I know a little piece of my heart will always be broken and I'm ok with that.

Sending condolences, I am sorry. I am ten and a half years in. The day to day is now a lot easier, but significant landmarks such as the birth of her new grandchild feel extra emotional when I think of what she’s missed. As a family we find her birthday and the anniversary of her passing challenging so we meet when we can to celebrate her life and support one another.

I did. I lost my darling brother 3 years ago. There is no pain in the world like it. There is no name for sibling loss and yet there is no one that has shared so much of your life and memories as your sibling. There really should be a support group for it.

I miss him so much every day. Some days are worse than others. I've had counselling and yet sometimes it seems even too much to breathe and carry on.

But I have to. For him.

Wishing you a peaceful new year.

Yes, but it gets less sore through time.
My condolences.

I lost my beautiful little brother aged 29 in 2020. The pain has subsided for me now to where I’m ok most days then suddenly it hits me - Christmas was hard, his birthday is hard. It’s hard when we are all together but we aren’t really all together because he isn’t there. It does slowly get easier, even though the grief never goes away. It’s like at the start there’s a huge chasm inside and then over time you build a bridge over it and you can function again but the chasm is still there underneath and sometimes you look down and get swallowed in it again temporarily but mostly you walk along the bridge and life is normal. Sending you so much love and sympathy