How to deal with the guilt

[Clueless2000]

My grandad died a month ago. I loved him and he absolutely adored me, my siblings and my children. He could be so caring and did a lot for me over the years. But he was mostly pretty awful to my dad. For no good reason - almost like he took everything out on him because he was the closest person to him.

I was the person he would call on if he needed help and I’d always be there. And he would do anything for me too. But as much as I loved him, I always felt like I held a bit of that love back because of the way he treated my dad - I could see how much it hurt my dad and so it hurt me too. For example, he would often give me money without my asking for it - but never offer it to my dad when he was struggling. He would often blank my dad when there were other people in the room, accuse him of being selfish and money-grabbing when none of those things were true at all. Sometimes they got along fine but it would kill me to see how desperately my dad just wanted to be loved by him.

He had various genuine health problems but he was a bit of a hypochondriac because he had countless other complaints over the years that led to nothing - the doctors frequently found nothing wrong with him. I was happy to go to appointments with him but I did get frustrated when it always seemed to turn out to be nothing, again. He had appointments pretty much every week.

Over the last year or so, I felt like I pulled away from him a bit - didn’t see him as often as I could, or take my kids round as much as I could. My dad was going to see him every week - despite the fact they would often but not always argue.

And then he died. Unexpectedly and alone. And my dad and i just cannot deal with the devastation and guilt. Now in hindsight we see him for what he was in the end - a vulnerable 84 year old man. I can’t cope with the fact that I should’ve seen him more and my dad can’t cope with the fact that he felt he didn’t treat him as well as he could. I should’ve had him round for meals every week, should’ve taken him out more, just done more with him. I don’t think my dad treated him badly but I know he feels bad for the fact they always argued and he dreaded visiting. But also it seems he did actually have a health problem that caused his death - and we didn’t take it seriously because of all the health issues that turned out to be nothing. If he had been with one of us, we could’ve saved him.

How do you cope with the guilt? Constantly thinking about them being afraid when they died? The crushing feeling that you let that person down? The constant imagining of all the things you would do differently if they were here now?

He died alone because he was unspeakably cruel to his son.

No need for guilt.

@NeverDropYourMoonCup I know you’re trying to support me - but that just makes me feel so sad. Although he was awful to my dad, he did love him in his own way and my dad loved him too. Whatever his behaviour, none of us would ever have wanted him to die like this.
Sorry, it’s really hard to get across the complexities of their relationship on a forum.

Hi @Clueless2000

Family dynamics can be hard sometimes I know, and a bereavement makes everything seem much worse. It sounds like you're in the midst of deep grief and for now it'll be too hard to put everything in perspective, constantly thinking about your grandfather.

In time, you'll be able to put things in perspective and I'm sure you will find that you've just been very normal in the way you've responded. Not yet though - it takes time. Cruse are good too.

Very sorry about your grandad.

Your dad having been mistreated means he will have complicated thoughts and feelings about his dad. Would try to separate that from your own thoughts and feelings.

Your grandad’s ‘kindness’ to you doesn’t negate how he treated your dad, and indeed where there’s family dysfunction that kind of thing can be part of it. So your decision to draw back was understandable.

Thank you all. Yes, I do feel very much in the midst of it. This is the first bereavement I’ve experienced as an adult so it all feels very new to me. I can’t separate my grief from my guilt - but I suppose they’re just intertwined with each other. At the moment I just can’t ever imagine a time when I’ll think of him without feeling desperately sad.

@Dozer it’s hard to separate my feelings from my dad’s too - my whole life, my feelings for my grandad were up and down depending on how he was treating my dad at the time. If they were getting along, it was great but when they weren’t, I’d feel like I was putting a bit of a barrier up between me and him.

That’s unfortunately part of the dysfunctional dynamics caused by your grandfather

One day, you will be able to think of him without feeling sad. But not yet and that's normal.

Grief is horrible and you're getting through it the best you can. I know it's hard when people tell you not to feel guilty about things, as you can't change your feelings. One day your feelings will slowly shift.

I think it's natural to feel like this.

My dad passed 6 months after over a year on end of life care. I was round every day, feeding him, advocating for him, sometimes dealing with very personal aspects of his care and trying to manage my mum who is not a natural nurse and can be quite challenging.

I cooked his favourite treats, found things to watch on TV with him, read him his favourite books when he couldn't focus on anything more.

Yet still I look back and think of the times I wasn't there, and wonder what might have been if I'd put more time into supporting his rehabilitation after the accident in 2019 that ultimately led to his decline. I think about the fact I pushed for him to go into a care home for the last 7 weeks of his life as mum wasn't coping with him and o wasn't coping with mum. And I think of the fact he died there in the early hours with just a nurse beside him as neither mum or I heard our phones when the call came to say he was slipping away.

What I'm trying to say is its impossible not to wonder what might have been, but ultimately you did the very best you could given the circumstances at the time, and sometimes things happen a certain way for a reason.

Also just because someone is old and vulnerable does not give them a free pass for cruel and abusive behaviour.

Have you reached out to any counselling services? I've had a couple of text chats with Cruse and found them really helpful.

I'm sorry for your loss and hope you and your dad feel more at peace soon .

Thank you all. And @MintyCedric I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. I would say the same to you - it sounds like you did the best you could. I hope you’re ok.

Counselling sounds a good idea. I think we need to get the funeral done first - it’s been delayed while they do an autopsy - I don’t feel I can even think of starting to heal till after then.

Thanks @Clueless2000

I think you're right to wait until post funeral.

I was blown away by how much there was to do/organise (although that was probably partially control freaked on my part).

Take care of yourself and allow yourself to grieve and rest as and when you need to.