I moved back to the UK 10 years ago to be near my parents. I spent a lot of time supporting them with very little back. Since mum died I have been so sad - for the relationship we did not have and will never have. My mother and step dad were very critical when I was growing up - they only had me living with them because my biological dads second wife threw me out when I was 12. They made it clear it was an inconvenience to them and my step dad was an alcoholic who was terrifying.
I live in a small town where I have struggled to make friends (I have never had this much trouble before), a sister who only calls me to tell me about herself and did not help when mum was dying even though she is not working and I am, and a step dad who is clingy but also prone to really mean outbursts.
The first few months after mum died I was numb and there seemed to be so much to do (I was also moving house). I have cut off from things because I cold not cope with being around other people. But now I am utterly lonely, sad and down. My life feels like shit and I feel like an idiot for being in this situation. I am single with no kids, I have lots of acquaintances but no one who I can rely on. And I am fat and unfit - I was overweight before mums final illness but it really spiralled. When I try to think about what I want to do instead I just go blank and feel overwhelmed. I just dont know where to start.