Please or to access all these features

Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

How do I put my life back together?

8 replies

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 05/12/2021 19:29

I moved back to the UK 10 years ago to be near my parents. I spent a lot of time supporting them with very little back. Since mum died I have been so sad - for the relationship we did not have and will never have. My mother and step dad were very critical when I was growing up - they only had me living with them because my biological dads second wife threw me out when I was 12. They made it clear it was an inconvenience to them and my step dad was an alcoholic who was terrifying.

I live in a small town where I have struggled to make friends (I have never had this much trouble before), a sister who only calls me to tell me about herself and did not help when mum was dying even though she is not working and I am, and a step dad who is clingy but also prone to really mean outbursts.

The first few months after mum died I was numb and there seemed to be so much to do (I was also moving house). I have cut off from things because I cold not cope with being around other people. But now I am utterly lonely, sad and down. My life feels like shit and I feel like an idiot for being in this situation. I am single with no kids, I have lots of acquaintances but no one who I can rely on. And I am fat and unfit - I was overweight before mums final illness but it really spiralled. When I try to think about what I want to do instead I just go blank and feel overwhelmed. I just dont know where to start.

OP posts:
MultiStorey · 05/12/2021 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

languagelover96 · 06/12/2021 15:14

Find a hobby. Look at jobs etc as well. Make friends too. Research moving overseas in addition this is the perfect opportunity to pack up and move abroad.

User1055 · 06/12/2021 21:06

You are still grieving, regardless of the relationship you had with your mum, so be kind to yourself. But part of the process is being ready to move on, and that may well be changing various areas of your life.

You seem overwhelmed and have many areas of your life open to change, and the residual grief will cloud the process. Would some counselling help you put it all into perspective help you draw up a plan?

There are lots of things you haven't mentioned in your post, which will impact the decisions - do you need to work? what is your field of work and does that limit locations? is there a location you have a support network already? Do a bit of daydreaming - what made you happy in the past? You need someone to help think and talk through your options - if you aren't going to have counselling is there anyone you can talk to in real life?

Glassofshloer · 06/12/2021 21:09

So sorry for your loss OP.

What do you want from life? Is there anything you like the idea of, or do you have a realistic dream of some kind?

User1055 · 07/12/2021 11:21

How are you doing today @Wheresmywoolyjumper?

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 07/12/2021 15:54

Hi all - sorry had a problem getting into this again for some reason. These are all great questions and I thank you all for taking time to answer me.
@MultiStorey - yes I am working and will be for about 14 more years. I am quite stale in my job but lack confidence to look for something else at this point
@languagelover96 - have been in this town for 10 years and struggled to make friends for the first time in my life. I am struggling to find the energy to do new things to meet new people but have signed up for some classes for fun which should help.
@User1055 - I am finding friends have become more distant during mums last illness and after. I have done some counselling but need to find a different counsellor - she just kept telling me everyone was having a hard time because of Covid which did not help. I will try to sign up again. Thanks for checking with me again.
@Glassofshloer - this is part of the distress I think - for the first time in my life I cannot see the way forward.

What I have taken from this is I need to find someone impartial to talk to, carve out more time for myself, and go over the things i have done in the past to see where joy has come. I guess I feel that if I dont make an effort I will stay stuck like this but I feel so overwhelmed and foggy that deciding what i want to do, even if it is simple thing, feels impossible. After mum died i was so busy that it has all hit me at once I think. Its mums birthday next week too so that is part of it.
Thank you all for taking time. I do appreciate the support.

OP posts:
User1055 · 07/12/2021 18:29

What I have taken from this is I need to find someone impartial to talk to, carve out more time for myself, and go over the things i have done in the past to see where joy has come.
This is good to hear. Its the point I got to a few months ago during a long phone call to a friend! I've made plans and am starting moving towards them in baby-steps!
You certainly need a different counsellor - telling you everyone is having a bad time is very unhelpful.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 07/12/2021 20:03

Best of luck with it @User1055. I am glad you are moving forward - it is just scary to feel so stuck and unable to work out what to do next.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page