Dad dying

[MrsD0147]

I’m not sure this is the right area for this but my sad has terminal cancer and I am really struggling to cope with seeing him slowly dying each day. How do I enjoy the time with him without just feeling overwhelmingly sad? Every time I leave I am so sad I can’t cope

Hi @MrsD0147

So sorry to hear this about your dad. This is just the right place to come to - lots of us here have been through this and there is much support on offer.

I found it the same. I just tried to focus on the small things and cherish them, which now I do. I tried not to talk too much, so my mum had space to say anything she needed to - very hard when I wanted to say so much and not leave anything unsaid! It was a difficult balance.

I think you must do whatever you can to cope, to make things as comfortable as possible for him and remember you're doing your best.

It's so very, very hard I know.

for you x

Thank you. My little girl is 18 months And the idea that she won’t remember him literally cripples me. I don’t know how to cope

I bet it does.

In the future you'll find ways to make sure your daughter learns about him. For now, just put one foot in front of the other. You might just have to take life one day at a time for now.

You will find the strength for your dad, you're capable of it even if you don't think you are.

So sorry to hear you're going through this. I went through the same thing in 2018 when my dad passed away from bowel cancer.

I wish I had more recordings of my dad's voice as I basically have none and find that really hard. I found it comforting listening to his favourite music and now when I listen to it it's very sad but I feel so close to him. Take photos depending how unwell he is etc and just spend time with him. I just sat with my dad a lot. Just enjoy the time you can.

Thinking of you x

It is a very strange and sad time.
I often pretended that I was the future me travelling back from a couple of years in the future. Thinking about how grateful I would be to see Mum, even though she was very ill, and to be able to do little things for her.

I took the odd photo and video on my phone under the pretext of being able to show my OH who wasn't as able to take as much time off. I am very glad I have these now, although two years later I haven't felt able to look at them.

I tried to remind myself that someone who is dying is, by definition, someone who is still alive (albeit very unwell). I tried to take it day by day and concentrate on keeping Mum comfortable and feeling supported. We had "said all there was to say" already, more or less, as she'd been sick on and off for several years.

But it was an odd sort of gift to know the score so that I could drop everything else and spend a lot of time with her. Those last couple of months were very precious and it meant a lot to just be together.

I found an uncharacteristic assertiveness when it came to fighting her corner on the ward. Something a doctor friend had said resonated with me : "children are supposed to outlive their parents", they said. Mum had looked after me when I was vulnerable and helpless, and now it was my turn and duty (and privilege in an odd way) to see her through her final illness.

OP have you got older friends who have been through the same thing - in particular, losing a parent from cancer - who you could talk to? Who would be straight with you?

I remember when my FiL died, decades ago now, we were in our early 30s, so, maybe about your age(?) and it was our first go round, as it were, and we were a bit at sea. DH had older colleagues who were very helpful when it came to untangling hospital euphemisms and deciding what to do (take time off etc).

Best wishes to your Dad and yourself and do come and ask here or on the Elderly Parents board if there's stuff that you're struggling with. I'm so sorry you're going through this but you are not alone.

"How do I enjoy the time with him without just feeling overwhelmingly sad? Every time I leave I am so sad I can’t cope"

You don't, the overwhelming sadness is natural. I am going through this with DH right now, he also has terminal cancer and had a stroke at the weekend. Every time I speak to anyone, I cry. I drive and I cry. I go to bed and wake up crying, it is an awful feeling but it is normal. I am so sorry you are going through this, for you and your dad.

@bloodywhitecat that is how I feel at the moment, every time I’m on my own I’m just crying and even when I’m with other people I feel I’m on the brink of tears. No one asks how he is anymore as I feel they just think ‘he’s got cancer’ so no one even knows it’s now terminal I just feel broken and I’m finding myself getting so carried away in my head thinking about funerals and things that haven’t yet happened.
I am very very sorry to hear about your DH too xx

@bloodywhitecat I'm here too. We're trying to get Dad home so he can pass in peace. It's so so hard. I feel almost dehydrated from crying so much, I just can't conceive of a world without him. Big hug xx

Oh, my heart feels heavy reading this thread. I’m now 8 years on from losing both of my parents to cancer and I relate so much to what others have said here. I remember the crushing exhaustion and sadness that accompanied me everywhere.

I agree that doing little things, whatever they might be, can feel soothing. It can be good to feel you are doing something for your parent, however small. I remember giving my mum hand massages and putting moisturiser on her hands when her skin was so dry from the chemo. I remember cutting my Dad’s nails and combing his hair for him when he was in the hospice. I read the newspaper to him and recounted to him some of my best childhood memories.

It really is a role reversal when your parent is at the end of their life. You become the one who can help them and try make their last days/weeks/months less arduous; just as they helped us when we were tiny and couldn’t do anything for ourselves. There is a beautiful symmetry to it, and yes, privilege; though those feelings may not come till much later.

Keep doing what you’re doing. For now, that deep sadness is going to be your shadow for some time, unfortunately. As much as you don’t want that feeling, it is impossible to try to rid yourself of it. Carry it with you. It is the weight of your love for your dad.

I remember it being quite a physical sensation at times; like a rock in the middle of my body. A constant reminder that the world had shifted on its axis. It does evolve into something else eventually, but for now, just one foot in front of the other; breathe in and breathe out. 💐

Thank you for this @waterlego. I'm looking forward to getting Dad home and cutting his nails, told him I'm going to paint them for him and he gave me a smile. Crying again, feel such an ache that he has to leave. Always going to wish for more time, more smiles, more hugs, more kisses, more, more, more...

@ShineBrightly. That’s it, exactly. You’ll always wish for more time.

I hope your Dad is able to come home soon, and that his remaining time is peaceful.

I was lucky that my parents both had ‘good’ deaths (I didn’t really realise there was such a thing until I’d been through the experience myself, and spoken to others who were bereaved). I still remember much of my parents’ final weeks. There are moments I try very hard to forget; but there were many moments of peace and a feeling that I was helping. That I was doing an important job at these absolutely critical moments in their lives. 💐

@ShineBrightly i really hope you get your Dad home with you and the rest of his time with you is peaceful - sounds like he knows how much he is loved by you.

I absolutely love this time of year usually but i am finding it really claustrophobic this year and i think it is just the knowledge of a last Christmas feel like i just want to scream

Well he's home, and still him, even though he's non verbal now. He's had a few visits from old friends, an enthusiastic welcome from his dog, and lots of smiles from his granddaughter. His pain is well controlled and he's comfortable. He even managed a smile when I told him about the North Shropshire by-election result, he gave the thought of Boris being in trouble a big ole middle finger (he's Labour through and through).
Thank you @MrsD0147 and @waterlego for your kind words. Big hugs to you both for what you're going through. Christmas is nowhere near my radar, and if it does happen no doubt we'll use my dad's approach of a mad dash round the shops on Christmas Eve

How are you @ShineBrightly ? xxx

Have you spoken to McMillan nurses . Apparently your situation is where they can help .