Unsure whether to take 4.5yo to grandad's funeral

[Mummyof287]

My dad sadly died one week ago in hospital after long term illness.
His funeral will be held week after next.He was very religious and it will be a very traditional funeral...sombre,formal & long.

I have 2 young children aged 4wks and 4.5yo....will take 4wk old as wouldn't want to leave her with anyone so young, but am unsure about whether to take our 4.5year old or send her to school as normal and then go to a childminders after.We have been open about discussing the death of her grandad with her, showing upset openly and answering her many questions about his death and death in general as best we can.But whilst part of me wants her to attend the funeral as a part of saying goodbye (she hadn't seen him recently) I know its going to be heavy and upsetting and I worry about her being able to cope and feeling emotionally overwhelmed, seeing me and her beloved grandma so distressed, or else becoming bored and starting to behave challengingly which would be stressful for us and for her to manage (DH is coming but will likely be tied up caring for baby aswell so I can grieve and support my mum).I would feel abit bad about me, dh and her baby sister going and her not (although she will definitely come to the burial the morning after with us).I've read mixed opinions on bereavement websites and forums...if she was afew years older I would definitely take her...some say ask the child what they want to do, but she hasn't ever been to a funeral, so she wouldn't understand what we were asking enough to make a genuine decision.

She knew her grandad well but he was 80 years old,and quite a reserved and formal person...even before becoming ill he had a fairly arms length relationship with her so she wasn't close to him, and has shown more curiosity about his death than upset.

I would just take her to the wake, but don't think that would work logistically as its not that near where we live.

She is very articulate and aware but is quite a lively whirlwind who needs alot of stimulation and will protest alot or have emotional outbursts when bored/emotionally overwhelmed or when not getting her way, so do worry she might struggle.DH's parents are only people coming who could look after her, but don't want them to just be used as a childcare service and miss most of the funeral due to needing to take her out to occupy her.

What would you do? Take her to the funeral or just the burial the next day?

Many thanks

Personally I wouldn't take her to either. I'm sorry for your loss

I wouldn't take her. You need to be there for your mum, she'll be bored. Could she go to a close friend after school.imstead of the child minder? That might be a bigger treat than anything else for her.

Do you know the celebrant (Vicar?) if so, perhaps you could ask? Vicars usually know childminders/crèches who could help.

Personally I wouldn't. You have enough on your plate with a young baby and your own grief without having to worry about the impact on your daughter and also keep her entertained. I would make both of your lives easier and send her into school. I am sorry for your loss and hopes that the funeral goes well. You could always have your own little mini ceremony at home, such as planting a rose/tree or something with your child instead.

If it wasn't that you will need to support your Mum, I'd definitely take her to both.

I took my young DS to two funerals (of his great-grandparents) and one burial at a similar age and I think it was actually ideal as they are slightly too young to have a proper emotional grasp of the terror of mortality and get scared at night (etc) but easily old enough to acquire factual understanding of the reality of death and learn about cultural practices around funerals etc.

However, in this case, do you think getting distracted by your DD would take away from your ability to practically support your DM (even with a handbag full of lollies for during the service etc - one-off occasion), or do you think this would be outweighed by the benefit to your mum of having a small positive distraction on the day? People often like to see young children as a kind of blow against death/reminder that life does go on etc, and perhaps raising a small smile at her/people complimenting her on your DD might help as a comfort?
I think the answer might depend how many people will be there for your mum and if you need to do practical stuff about catering/lifts/laying put and collecting up orders of service/ greeting people on your DMs behalf/transporting wreaths from place to place as well as merely "attending".

Hi OP. I'm going to go against the grain here a bit, and suggest that you bring your daughter. My grandmother died when I was a similar age, and I was the only person in the family not allowed to go to the funeral, because "I might be noisy". I have to say I still wish I could have gone, and even when I try and see the reasoning behind it, I get annoyed/sad at being excluded from a family event (yes, 40+ years later!). Thinking about it, I wonder if it would have been better if my older brother also hadn't been allowed to go, it was just me that didn't. Have you asked her if she would like to go to the funeral? If she says yes, could you have some sort of age-approriate discussion about it , i.e. "I'll need you to sit quietly" etc. (easier said than done, I know!)

I'd definitely send the 4.5 year old to school. They won't understand the need for the longevity or the solemnity. Let them have a new very school day.

I took my three year old to my mum's funeral recently. She was brilliant and just ate sweets throughout. I remember as a child feeling guilty that I hadn't gone to my grandads funeral and I wanted her to know she had gone. Mind you, 4.5 is more emotionally aware than 3, so only you can now if she would cope.

I might consider taking her if it was a short and less formal ceremony, like a humanist celebration or a non secular crematorium as these are only about half an hour. But I really think she will be really bored in a long religious service, I know my daughter the same age would be. You could take sticker books or something to keep her entertained but then is there any point her being there if she is doing something else anyway?

Sorry for your loss, I hope the funeral goes well whatever you decide

I took my 4.5 year old to his great grandmother’s funeral but… I sat at the back with him (and his baby sibling), and it wasn’t my grandparent - my husband was at the front with his parents. I also asked my son if hed like to go. I’ve been to lots of funerals as a neutral observer (I used to have a job tangentially related), so it was familiar ground for me. My niece who is (exactly) the same age didn’t go. I really would ask.

I’m sorry for your loss.

I took my 4 year old to her grandad's funeral, she was actually really good and I was near the door in case I had to take her out. She now tells me he's not in hospital anymore because he lives in our hearts which is so cute and comforting. But you have to do whatever is best for you on the day. Sorry for your loss.

OP she wasn't close to him, it'll be a long service, if I were you I'd send her to school & childminder.
It would be different if they'd been closer I think.

Thanks very much for all the helpful comments everyone! Dad's funeral was today and we decided a few weeks back not to take our older daughter and in hindsight I do think it was the right decision as whilst it was easier than anticipated and part of me wished she was there, I think it would have also been quite stressful for us and boring for her.She went to school as usual,then to a friends to play, which she was happy with.She knew we were at the funeral but didn't show any disappointment at not going too...tbh she has no concept of what a funeral even is anyway.

She is coming to the graveyard tomorrow for the burial, to say 'goodbye' and to lay flowers with my mum, DH, me and 6wk old baby sister, who we did take today and slept through most of it.People enjoyed seeing her there and commented how she was a positive new life to help get through the sadness of the loss of my dad's.

I'm sorry for your loss OP and am glad the funeral went well

We went to a funeral for a family friend a few weeks ago, and their grandson attended aged around 18 months. It was celebrant led as opposed to a religious service, and the little boy toddled around the crematorium saying hello to everyone...... it was really sweet and fitting as our friend was incredibly proud of being a grandfather, and was horribly sad not to be able to see him grow up. The family dog was there too - I think whatever works for the grieving family is perfectly acceptable these days.

My grandad, only grandparent I had known, died when I was about the same age as your DD. I do remember it. My mum didn't take me to the funeral and has kicked herself for it ever since and always wondered if it was the right choice. From my perspective though I have absolutely no feelings about not being there and I don't remember doing so at the time either.

I was 40 weeks pregnant at my dads funeral and my DD was 15 months old. For reasons I'll never understand I wanted hee to be there. I couldn't have looked after ger though. Aside from lack of headspace, I had organised the whole thing. I had my MIL bring her and take her outside as necessary etc. I was not 'responsible' for her all day. Could that be an option.

My suggestion is you do what is right for you. She will be fine and you can perhaps find a special way to say goodbye together if she doesn't go. As long as she doesn't feel excluded like a previous PP.

I'm really sorry for your loss. It is (hipefully) one of the hardest things you will face but I promise it gets easier with time.

So sorry. Just read your update. I think you have made all the right decisions for all of you. I hope you are doing okay.