Struggling to support grieving husband

[Laura2211]

My husbands sister passed away tragically about a month ago & the funeral was soon after. Since then, he has completely shut down. We have a 2 year old and a 8 month old & I have been doing everything for them. He says he cannot help me at the moment as he feels too low. I feel absolutely exhausted, my 8 month old wakes twice a night & my 2 year old is often up as well. I am doing all the night wakings & everything in the day. He stays in bed all day or if he comes downstairs he just sits in front of the tv & doesn’t engage with us at all. I have tried gently suggesting he take our2 year old out to the park & he says he just can’t. Then, the other night, he accused me of not giving him any emotional support. I couldn’t believe it, I just I really don’t know what to do. I feel like I am running on empty & feel like I am going to break with severe exhaustion any day. The last 2 nights I have fallen asleep at 7.30pm with my children. How the heck do I support him when I really am running on empty & feel like I am going to break?

Of course his sad, but when you have kids and you are a parent you can’t just check out. I’d be annoyed too that he doesn’t want to reach out to his family, instead he would rather you run yourself into the ground!
I’d be calling his family, asking if anyone can come round and help around the house or babysit or anything.

I would be annoyed too. My children were 2, 4 and 6 when my dad died. Less than 24 hours later I was sitting at the side of a swimming pool watching their swimming lessons because I had kids and I had no choice!

Do you have childcare? Anyone who could take them for a break? How about overnight? If not, can the children sleep in your room so you don’t have to get up and your DH goes into the spare room?

Sorry to hear this OP. He’s in the very early stages of grief, compounded with shock, but you on the other hand are having to keep the family going.

Is there anyway you can get hold of some cash to help you while he is so out of sorts? Extra days in nursery / child minder, cleaner, ready meals, parents to help with childcare??

For now I think just keep involving him in family life, and keep encouraging him to reach out to his family. I would also give him little tasks with the kids, rather than ask him - start with the really basic story and bottle.

It does sound like he’s still in the shock phase, it can present like depression but it isn’t necessarily. You should see improvement over the next month. If you don’t, that’s the time to go back to the GP as escalate.

Is he on full pay now he's signed off?

Hire some help - a cleaner, a nanny/au pair/ad hoc childcare - can you afford it?

YOU NEED practical help !

HE needs emotional help like drugs and therapy.

@Lostmyheart101

Of course his sad, but when you have kids and you are a parent you can’t just check out. I’d be annoyed too that he doesn’t want to reach out to his family, instead he would rather you run yourself into the ground! I’d be calling his family, asking if anyone can come round and help around the house or babysit or anything.

Well his family have just lost their daughter very young, so I don’t think the OP can expect them to babysit. 🙄

It’s more than ‘sad’ OP - he’s lost his sister whom he was presumably close to, he, his parents and other siblings will be reeling with shock snd grief.

PP not OP - I am not suggesting you are suggesting it’s just sad OP.

His family may like the distraction of small children. As everyone says people grieve differently. Some people go back to work almost straight away after a bereavement as they need the routine. Others need time off.

It’s not good that he isn’t reaching out to the rest of his family either.

@Laura2211 This sounds so hard - and it’s also clear that you are doing an amazing job getting through the days with two tiny children.

Supporting people through grief can be gruelling and I agree with pp that you need to pull in as much practical support as possible to help yourself get through.

As far as Cruse goes, your dh would need to contact them himself and there is usually a waiting list for one-to-one support though he can access the excellent helpline straight away. The website is really good and has links for your local service. It also includes information for those who are supporting someone who is grieving, which you might find helpful.

www.cruse.org.uk/understanding-grief/supporting-other-people/

Above all I would put as little pressure as possible on yourself.

Have you said to him what you've said here?

I do think you need to say to him, in a very kind and calm way, "I'm doing all I can right now. I'm taking on all of the childcare, housework and other practical stuff so that you can have time and space with your grief. I'm running on empty right now and I don't have more to give. I'm doing this because I love you and I know you need to grieve right now so I'm doing my best to facilitate that. If you need more than I can give right now, you need to speak to a counsellor or your family. I'll keep doing my best to keep our family going so that you can do that."

And do try to get a break yourself OP if you can at all, you must be on your knees.

And yes, what @MindyStClaire says.