Struggling to support grieving husband

[Laura2211]

My husbands sister passed away tragically about a month ago & the funeral was soon after. Since then, he has completely shut down. We have a 2 year old and a 8 month old & I have been doing everything for them. He says he cannot help me at the moment as he feels too low. I feel absolutely exhausted, my 8 month old wakes twice a night & my 2 year old is often up as well. I am doing all the night wakings & everything in the day. He stays in bed all day or if he comes downstairs he just sits in front of the tv & doesn’t engage with us at all. I have tried gently suggesting he take our2 year old out to the park & he says he just can’t. Then, the other night, he accused me of not giving him any emotional support. I couldn’t believe it, I just I really don’t know what to do. I feel like I am running on empty & feel like I am going to break with severe exhaustion any day. The last 2 nights I have fallen asleep at 7.30pm with my children. How the heck do I support him when I really am running on empty & feel like I am going to break?

Encourage him to make an appointment with his gp? A month is a long time to completely check out of everything. He may need anti depressants or counselling?

You are going above and beyond by supporting him. You're picking up the slack and enabling him to grieve.
His work place must want him to return soon?

He needs outside help if he can't function with normal life.

A month ago?! It’s really, really early days in terms of grieving for him. If you were saying this happened a year or two ago but a month, wow. Does the 2 year old go to nursery? Can you get family (your side) or friends to help you out in the short term while your DH grieves? I think you’re being quite selfish to be honest.

He’s depressed. He needs antidepressants and talking therapy.
If he refuses to see the GP I would advise you ask him to live elsewhere while he gets it sorted. I have been here with a DH who initially refused help, it’s hell 💐

What a terrible shock that must have been.
But he still has to be a functioning adult. Does he realise that his children are too young to understand why he is ignoring them, and it could affect the relationship he has with them?

Has he thought of a support group?

A month may not be a long time but he still needs to be engaged with his family and not completely checked out. It's not fair on OP and the children any more than it might not be fair on him. I agree that an appointment with the GP would be a good start if he agrees.

I think you're being quite selfish

I disagree. Op is asking how she can support a husband who's not capable of getting out of bed or even leaving the house. Op you must be feeling exhausted and also very concerned about his depressive state. That's a massive strain on the whole family. It's incredibly lonely to have a partner who can't engage with anyone at home.

I think it would help his mood to get out to the park for a while with the children. That's a reasonable suggestion to start with.
If he has other family he's close to, could you speak to them? Would it help if they came over and spoke to dh or he met up with them?

Don't feel guilty for finding this very hard to cope with

@GoodnightGrandma

He’s depressed. He needs antidepressants and talking therapy. If he refuses to see the GP I would advise you ask him to live elsewhere while he gets it sorted. I have been here with a DH who initially refused help, it’s hell 💐

No he does not need antidepressants and talking therapy, he might need them, he might not, he might just need a bit more time, the assessment of need should be made in person by a medical professional. Grief is not a medical issue, a month is a short amount of time for some people to bounce back.

Try and sit down with him and have a very gentle conversation when the kids are in bed, hold his hand or be close to him, explain that you understand that he is finding this very difficult even if you don't know how he feels right now, because everyone grieves in different ways. Explain that you and the kids still love him and and that you can help him with this. See if he is happy for you all to do something small together, a trip to the park one day, no one else, just the four of you, to get out the house.

I hope things get easier for you soon.

You can’t medicalise grief; it’s only been a month. Perhaps a bereavement counsellor like Cruse
might help you both.
www.cruse.org.uk/get-support/

I’ve been in this very situation, and I was pregnant as well.
Sitting at his bedside and holding his hand, going for a walk in the park, doesn’t pay the bills and feed the kids.
As brutal as it may sound, you need money. And I’ve been there, wondering how I can afford to buy food for my kids when my DH has been insisting it’s not mental health.
I’ve lived it.

You're definitely not being selfish but he has obviously fallen into a very deep depression and needs antidepressants. You need to talk to him more about how you're struggling yet you understand what he's going through but you still need help. It's very difficult. Can you afford private counselling? You could always just pay for an hour for the yourself if you can find someone to have the kids and you can talk through with the counsellor how to talk to to him.

It must be exhausting for you, do you have anyone who can support you? Take kids out to give you a break or spend time alone with DH?
A month is very early days for a tragic loss, cruise conselling may help and a visit to the GP.
The fact he has completely checked out needs addressing, he sounds very depressed and I know it's only been a month but he still has DC to care for.
Maybe he feels his grief and loss as a sibling is unacknowledged and overshadowed as everyone would understandably be focusing on sils parents or partner or children and you are busy on practical stuff, looking after kids, running the house etc
Perhaps just holding his hand, giving him a hug, talking about his sister, acknowledging just how bloody unfair life is would help but also say you and the kids need him, ask him to to for a walk or to the park with you. Doing something like that would be good for him. Also echo talking to his family and friends if you can to let them know how much he is struggling and see if they can contact him,take him out for a drink etc

Its early days, especially if a sudden unexpected death, but he sounds severly depressed and I can understand your exhaustion if you're "carrying" the family without him. Is he signed off sick from work? www.cruse.org.uk/
may be able to help him with counselling?

@Retrievemysanity

A month ago?! It’s really, really early days in terms of grieving for him. If you were saying this happened a year or two ago but a month, wow. Does the 2 year old go to nursery? Can you get family (your side) or friends to help you out in the short term while your DH grieves? I think you’re being quite selfish to be honest.

She's not being selfish. Yes what's happened is awful and he should have time to heal but he does t stop being a dad just because he's suffered a loss. We couldn't stop being mums if the same things happened. It's a double standard

Hi @Laura2211

I'm sorry for the loss of your SIL

Here's my thoughts! As a single parent, I get how exhausted you are. It's hard, hard, hard without support.

I'm grieving at the moment and it's the hardest thing I've ever, ever, ever had to do. I'm only working and parenting because I've got absolutely no choice. I imagine for your husband the pain is absolutely intolerable all the time. Also, at this early stage time doesn't get like a healer, it feels like the awful reality is setting in. I'm grieving my parent which is really hard, but a sister who I imagine was nowhere near old age? wow that's hard. I think if I had a partner to take up the parenting slack in that situation I'd just crumble too.

I appreciate there has eventually got to be some parenting from your husband, and that this will of course at some point need to return to a 50/50 share. Maybe the thought of going to the park with happy parents there (who can't relate to him) is just too much. Maybe start off with something at home instead? Read a story, play one game, get a child dressed? I know that's not a lot, but maybe it could be a start. It must be infuriating but I reckon he's emotionally bankrupt now and that's the most he can give.

This is going to be really hard for the both of you for quite some time, so I'd suggest contacting Cruse for your husband and a space for you to let it all out - maybe on here!!

Wishing you both strength to heal and strength in your partnership with each other. Hopefully you will get through this (and everything else life throws at either of you) together and remember your SIL fondly when strong enough.

This is so hard on both of you.

My best friend died in my twenties and I reacted much like your DH, I just wasn't able for anything beyond work and grieving and in a way it was healthy as it gave me time to sit with my grief and find a way forward. But, I had no children, so this literally meant DH doing extra housework and providing a shoulder.

My dad died earlier this year when my children were the same ages as yours are now and frankly I don't think I've grieved at all yet as I just don't have TIME. Probably not the healthiest but the show needs to be kept on the road.

I would (gently and kindly) tell your DH that he hurt you a bit with his comment. That you're doing all you can to keep the kids well and happy and cared for while he takes time out of family life. Tell him that you're on your knees trying to give him the space he needs. Tell him you're worried about him and that you think he should consider talking to his GP or one of the agencies mentioned above. Basically, keep communicating and don't let resentment build.

You must be utterly exhausted

How the heck do I support him when I really am running on empty & feel like I am going to break?

You get support for you. Ask your friends & family - reach out and say ‘please help me’. Anyone who can babysit at their house for a while, just to give you a little space.

You can’t pour from an empty cup but you can’t expect your husband to be over a traumatic loss instantly, and a month is still nothing, really.

So you need to get help for you so that you can support him.

for you.

What's happening with money?

What other help is available for you?

I can't imagine what would happen to me if my sister died. A month would mean he is still in shock I expect. I have to be honest - I can't see I'd be functioning.

DP had to go away a few weekends this summer as his friend's wife died and his friend couldn't cope. So the grandparents had the DC in the week and DP went up a few weekends.

A month is nothing.

Sorry,, just realised other posters mentioned £ but OP did not.

When my parents died very close together I honestly could barely put one foot in front of the other. I was limited to four days bereavement leave, but absolutely could not face work for a few weeks.

Even then, accomplishing anything the least bit difficult was not possible. I just sort of plodded through the days. And I had a senior position.

I would cry at almost any expression of sympathy.

I am not sure what helped but I think it was time. I did speak to a bereavement helpline a few times and their reassurances I was normal were helpful.

DH was amazing. He stepped up and did most things really for a couple of months. But our children were grown. Had DH not been there I don't know what I would have done. Survive I guess but it would have been much harder.

I also found an online grief support group and posted there for awhile.
People on there were great.

Everyone grieves differently. Do you have a bereavement helpline or similar? I found that easier as it was not a commitment to showing up at a particular time.

Is your husband talking to anyone about his loss? That can help.

I found easing into routine tasks was the best. Nothing challenging.

Would he benefit from some short term sleeping or anxiety meds? Sleep was a big issue for me as I cried a lot after I went to bed.

He has to find his own way. Keep making gentle suggestions but not too many. Can you pull him into an activity you are already doing so he doesn't have to take initiative?

I am sorry for your loss OP and for your husband's struggle with it. I hope he can get his head above water soon.

This is playing on my mind
What happens if he is ill? Which he sort of is.

I have chronic health issues and sometimes DP just has to get on with DC and that's that. He could also fall ill.

It's hard times but you get these times in relationships.

He has to continue to be a dad though, his dc need him.
It's fine to expect your partner to carry the main load for a while, but the children won't understand why their dad has withdrawn from them entirely.

@Tailendofsummer

He has to continue to be a dad though, his dc need him. It's fine to expect your partner to carry the main load for a while, but the children won't understand why their dad has withdrawn from them entirely.

It's only been a month!

I have been bereaved several times since having children, including losing their unborn siblings, and I could never switch off entirely from my dc - they needed me. I did plenty of crying when they were not around.

Thank you for all your kind comments, sorry if a few people thought I came across selfish, that is good to know too - it is hard when I have not had a bereavement so I cannot relate to what he is going through, hence why I posted on here for advice.

Unfortunately have had little progress since I posted, I tried speaking to him again & he is frustrated at me for not being emotionally involved with him to understand what he is going through. I asked him what he would like me to do & he got angry at me saying I shouldn’t have to ask... he has a big family & a couple of other siblings so I suggested he reach out to them but he dismissed it.

He has spoken to his gp who has signed him off sick & referred him for counselling. I haven’t heard of cruise so thank you I will certainly look into it.

This is all do very hard as I feel I am really trying, whilst running on empty, but I just seem to be getting it all wrong with him :-(
If anyone has any suggestions on basic things I can do/say please help, thank you x