Why do I feel like this?

[Stunnedscared]

My mum died in June, went back to work after a week, we’re WFH still. It was bad but I managed not to cry when people were kind on screen. A bit sniffly sometimes but ok. Weeping in between meetings with camera off sometimes. DH hugging and making tea.

My DH died very suddenly in Aug. Signed off for three weeks. I’ve been back ok, same thing, mostly coping fine on camera, sometimes weepy but now it’s just me in the house.

Tomorrow we have a F2F meeting with lots of staff I haven’t seen in person for 20 months.

I am in bits. I’m crying at the very thought of going to another city on the train, meeting all these people who will be kind/embarrassed/awkward and trying to be ‘normal’. I can’t think, I’m panicking. What do I do?

I just don’t want to be unprofessional and embarrass anyone, including me!
Why is this so hard?

DH always met me off the train, it’s still hard to come back and walk home by myself. That isn’t helping.

I'm very sorry to hear about your bereavements. A face-to-face meeting with people who will want to be sympathetic, along with the first journey, does sound very daunting. Could someone meet you outside the office so you don't have to walk in alone?

I would make sure you have distractions for the journey - a podcast to listen to? And a treat for tomorrow night to celebrate getting through it.

I hope it goes okay.

Wow you are doing amazing to be functioning at all quite frankly. Don't stress about what people say or think or how they act. I think you will manage to switch off face to face just like on screen and have a good cry when you get home. Maybe waterproof mascara incase!

If you do breakdown there is nothing embarrassing or unprofessional about it. You've had two devastating losses so close together both very recent. Everyone will get that.

Hope it goes OK OP, sorry for you losses

Don’t go. Don’t put yourself through that when you’ve already been through so much. Call your manager in the morning and say it’s too much for you right now.
I’d consider taking more time off, you’ve barely had any considering how much you’ve lost. But if working suits you then explain to your manager you need to just wfh and even then you need some flexibility. I’m sure your gp would support you in that.
I hope you have good support irl and most importantly please be kind to yourself

Why do you feel like this? Because you've suffered two major bereavements in a very short space of time! I'm so, so sorry to hear about your losses. You really need to allow yourself time to grieve.

Unfortunately there's no one, single guide to how you should grieve. In may ways life would be a lot simpler, if you could just tick off 'month one done', 'month two done' - but it doesn't work like that, I'm afraid.

You need to be kind to yourself and give yourself time. You might actually benefit from some time off work - it could be worth talking to your GP about that.

Sending you

I'm sorry for your losses. What a shit year.

That is a lot to do deal with in the middle of a pandemic when you're not used to travelling alone anyway. Do you have to go in person?

Sorry for your losses of two very important people in your life.

Agree with pp - absolutely nothing at all unprofessional about having a blub, if anything it makes you seem more human and allows others to express their emotions too going forward whether that be happiness, sadness etc. And to be honest it will probably be a quick 5mins, you shed a tear and then back on the horse again and into it and you can refocus on work.

I get how hard it is not to wobble when people are kind and ask but this is the next step in your bereavement journey, try and think of it as a show of care, love and concern from your colleagues - I bet if it were the opposite way round you wouldn't for a moment think it embarrassing, more like a 'normal' reaction.

Hugs you are doing so well by the sounds of it just to keep it together, letting go sometimes really isn't a bad thing xxxxx

Stop and think about what you want. If you want to go and see people, take a breath and see how you go. Take it one step at a time. If you need to leave early, leave early, people will understand.
Equally, if it feels too much to soon,feel free to call it off and take the day out at home. There will always be other days and meetings. People will understand and if they don’t they are not worth your worry.
You are the priority at this moment in time and whatever you want to do, is the right decision

Oh you poor thing. What a terrible year you have had. You have lost two really significant people in your life and no wonder you feel like this. It doesn't sound as though you can say to people, please don't talk about my husband or mum, so in a way the only thing you can do is get through it. Is there a particular person who can help you do that? Is there someone who can stand right next to you the whole time?💐

I second don't go. If you're not ready, you're just not ready.
Look after yourself

I'm one of those people who tends to push through things ie feel the fear and do it anyway. But I think it could be too much too soon and you're not ready for this yet. Would it be better to start smaller somehow and go in and just meet a few people without all this pressure? Surely work would understand that?

Thank you everyone for your answers, it’s lovely to get some advice.

I think it’s hard because I’m quite senior and so I know most of the attendees to an extent. I don’t want to appear the weepy confused mess I actually am but i feel close colleagues already treat me with kid gloves, if I don’t turn up in person it just makes that harder.

I see friends, my family, I go out shopping, visit museums etc, DH insisted we walk for an hour every day after work (he WFH too) so I force myself to do that.

I’m not isolating myself and I got the train all the time to mums throughout the pandemic, but somehow I just dissolve every time I think about this meeting/workshop with 40 odd people, lunch first, lots of catching up. What do I say? If they know already they will be kind (which is hard but lovely) if they don’t, do I tell them or risk them hearing about it from someone after I’ve said brightly ‘I’m fine, how are you?’.

And I’m a taxi and train journey away if I did feel awful - and no DH at the station. I’m used (if that’s the right term) to going in the empty house now. But it will be very hard to walk up the steps at the station and he won’t be there.

I feel a bit self obsessed here, but I just don’t know how to do this yet.

Of course you don't know how to 'do' your life at the moment and you are certainly not self obsessed. You have been given a huge amount of grief to deal with in one year, and the fact you have been coping with the wfh situation is a great credit to you.
I can't advise you about attending the meeting but you seem capable of deciding how much you can deal with. I would imagine your colleagues have much respect for how you are handling yourself. I do.
So sorry for your loss.

You are not self obsessed. Far from it. Please do whatever your instincts tell you. And not just on this occasion either.
I'm so very sorry for the loss of your DH and I wish you all the strength in the world

You are not self obsessed, this sounds really hard for all the good reasons you have listed.

Choosing not to go would be reasonable.

If you do choose to go, could you enlist some help to make it easier? E.g.

• if you're worried about telling people about your losses, you could ask your manager or a colleague to send a "in case you didn't know" email round in advance.
• tell a close colleague or your manager that you're finding it hard, and that you might want to leave early, and if so they can make your apologies for you, allowing you to just slip out.
• is there a friend who could meet you at the station, just this once, so you don't have to through that alone?

This sounds like a really hard occasion to walk into. I would skip it and find a more normal low key day to slip into work for a while. And ask someone to meet you and walk in with you. Once you have done it once it won't be so hard again.
I am so sorry for the huge losses you have had. Don't apologise for tears at work. You are first and foremost a human being and in a senior role that can be a very powerful thing to acknowledge.

So sorry OP. You are doing so well.

If it's not too late can you meet up with one or two of them before you see the whole group?

Allow yourself to cry, perhaps if it happens early on you'll find it easier to get through the day. (That's what I found when I lost my mum).

I am very sorry for your losses op . You have had an absolutely rotten time. I was going to say the same as MMMarmite. Although you are doing brilliantly given the circumstances, you need actual RL support at this point and there is absolutely no shame in that, and if it is too late to arrange for someone to stick to your side like glue during the meeting itself to deflect any difficult exchanges, and to arrange for a friend to meet you at the station, then it's ok to say "I need more time" and then maybe think about arranging a series of mini meetings so that you can meet small groups of colleagues face to face but gradually instead of en masse. The other method would be to get a very short course of Xanax. (or equivalent) from the gp to see you through the first very difficult steps. Sending you strength x

Blimey OP you need to be much kinder to yourself! I teared up just reading your post but you seem to think you should not be showing any emotion at all after losing the TWO most important (probably) people in your life very very recently. Please allow yourself to grieve, you’re not a robot. So sorry for your losses.

Well I did it. I cried a bit when people were nice, I had to leave when they discussed bereavement support provision but went back in after snivelling in the loo for a bit. I asked questions and tried to join in discussions, I needed to make it worth the effort to go.

I walked home looking in every shop window and I burst into tears as I put the key in the lock. But I did it. I’m going to have a gin and tonic and go to bed because I’m exhausted. Thanks everyone for your supportive messages, I think you gave me permission to be a weak human and it really helped.

Have a restful evening. Well done.

Wow - well done. So pleased you got through it and did what you felt you needed to do. Don’t think that this means you have to push yourself everyday though. If sometimes you don’t feel up to something it is always ok to say you need to take some time out and cut yourself some slack

Well done, it's such a difficult thing to have to do. Enjoy that G+T - you deserve it

Huge step for you, well done OP

'A weak human'
The second word isn't relevant (anyone who has any kind of heart would be knocked sideways by what's happened to you) - the third word is relevant, very much so.
I'm glad you've broken the ice, so to speak.
I hope you have a good rest now.