Struggling

[ScottishTinydancer321]

Is it normal to look back and think of every bad thing you did, I mean the small things I mean wishing I could go back and text that day I was to busy or go back and see my Nan (mum) again. Or them days I was having fun and didn’t call or reply properly.
Every time my phone goes off I think it’s her, it’s nearly been 3 months . I just miss her so much, I wish I had never taken her for granted ever. I can’t seem to get over I will never see her again. I want her back so badly. Sorry I just need to write this somewhere. X

Sorry for your loss.

It is fairly normal for people to go through phases of 'guilt' in bereavements, yes. It isn't logical, but that is what the emotion does to you.

It is good to talk to other folk who understand.
Some people find that is a cup of coffee or a glass of wine with a friend who is a good listener, others find it easier to talk (and listen) to others who have been bereaved too.
there is nothing strange, or unusual in the way you are feeling, but maybe taking a little time each week to join a bereavement group might help ?

@Kite22 thank you. I have quite bad social anxiety so find talking to others difficult. Also I find a massive barrier is no one seems to understand, although she was my Nan she was my mum. She brought me up since a baby, taught me every thing I know. Taught me to walk, talk, read, periods etc. However because she is my Nan I find people don’t understand the big whole. Esp as I spoke and text every day. Actually I really only had my hubby and her. The only other person that would say nice things or pick me up. Like I hope I picked her up.
It’s her birthday soon too, so I suppose I just have such a mix of emotions.

Oh OP I’m so sorry for your loss.

What you’re experiencing is so normal, it’s so so hard.
I really struggled with the reality of never being able to speak to them again, never able to ask questions or say the things I should have said.
It’s so hard knowing they’ve gone and we have to just carry on.
It’s been over two years since my loss and I think of them every day, I still cry very easily over it and have really sad moments but I have moved past the “shock” stage where none of it felt real.
Time will bring some peace I promise, it won’t all go away but time definitely smudges the edges of the pain a little, so you can think of them without the immense hurt and guilt.

Oh and OP I totally understand what you mean about people not seeing the value of the relationship quite as much because to them she was your nan, so don’t view the loss of your mother.
I have a similar situation. It’s really tough. You know what she’s means to you though and that’s the important thing, she was your mum and you’re allowed to grieve her in that way x

@Ohpulltheotherone thanks and thank you for the kind words. Just struggling and feel like I’m struggling with the wider family Nan was head of the family 😂, tbh I now feel like I’m out of the family too. It’s been a hard lot of emotions.
I have 2 aunties and a dad who was my nans children. My mum has schiphrenia and a alcoholic even drunk when pregnant with me. My dad wanted to carry on working and fishing. But my mum couldn’t cope. So my Nan ended up taking me. Mum and dad split up. Dad not bothered since I was 10.
Obviously my aunties have their adult kids, I don’t think either have taken into account that Nan was my mum, prob because my mum is still alive, however as much as I love her, she doesn’t live near and can’t offer even emotional support as she is severely effected by her mental illness. Although she didn’t drink any more she had end stage liver disease. She also is very cutting like your fat tell the kids to shut up etc. Not her fault, but it’s a totally different relationship. Also I use to be able to talk to my Nan about her. However non of my mums family kept in touch so I have no family that side (never met them her parents died and brother disowned her because of her schiphrenia). For example I found old picture of nans family so I sent copies to every one. My aunty did and not had the same back. I was closer to my Nan too. I suppose because I was last to leave the house. One aunty wasn’t actually talking to her it’s only because I said that actually she is to poorly to text that they ended up back talking before she died not that I told my nan that. My dad didn’t come to
The funeral (because he hasn’t told his wife about me), but didn’t even message to ask how I was, he knew that Nan had always looked after me. I’m super glad I have hubby, and my kids. But I feel a bit pushed out tbh, esp as we were so close. I feel like a outside now but I suppose I wasn’t that close to them I was my Nan and not having her as made it a gap but I just feel like I shouldn’t feel this way. I’m at a loss and rambling I can’t even explain. I’m always messaging others, but I think if I didn’t have Facebook I would be that long lost family member that they can’t remember. Now I feel selfish, as I’m going on about that like that what Nan meant to me but it was so much more. I would of ranted to her about this 😂. I would literally message her showing what I bough the kids for Xmas or the birthing pool, or my kids explosive poo, she would of message me to asking about things. We were so close literally lot a day we didn’t message. I don’t even know what I’m expecting.

Reading this I think I need to sort counselling out 🤦🏼‍♀️.

ScottishTinydancer321
I'm so very sorry - what a massive loss for you. It sounds as if not only have you lost your wonderful Nan but she was the main link to a complicated family. With her loss you also experience the pain of the unresolved loss of your very ill mum and your dad. It must be so painful - especially your dad's dismissal of you.

Your feelings seem very normal on the face of such a loss. But it may help to have someone just to listen to you. Cruse Bereavement Care can be very helpful and this NHS page signposts some other support (sorry if you already know all this)

@MrsOvertonsWindow thank you I will take a look!

And then I forgot to include the link:

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/feelings-symptoms-behaviours/feelings-and-symptoms/grief-bereavement-loss/