Please help so lost

[Feellost79]

Hi everyone I've name changed but am a regular. I really really don't know where to start it all feels so strange such a mess and so time scale,strange. I lost my partner of 7yrs in 27th October this yr to a massive heart attack in hospital as he had been unwell for few wks with why I later found out was pneumonia casing a spike in blood sugar as he was diabetic which then caused the heart attack. His funeral was 8th Nov and the last 3 and half wks since it happened has passed in a blur and I now feel I've missed everything. We didn't love together yet lots of logistics as I have a disability so I wasn't there when it happened and his parents are his nxt of kin so they are sorting out all the paperwork and usual admin nonesense and I just feel so useless. Anyway thanks for reading if u got this far I don't know the point of my post really I just needed it out of my head. I currently live with my mum and have done most of my life as my dad died 8yrs ago when I was looking at my own place and decided to stay with her. I am 42 no children and my partner was 52

So sorry for your loss
It’s a shock when you lose a loved one and it’s usual to feel a bit lost, even if there are practicalities to sort.

There is support available if you are struggling but it’s important to take the time to grieve, there is no set time, we are all different so sorry op.
www.nhs.uk/mental-health/feelings-symptoms-behaviours/feelings-and-symptoms/grief-bereavement-loss/

Thankyou u just feel its all gone over in a blur and that I've missed it all not that I want to deal with any of it again. Its only been 3 and half wks and under 2 since the funeral but honestly feel like forever ago and 2 mins ago at same time. I feel so empty like there's no place for me as we weren't married or yet living together so I'm legally not a widow also not that I want to be or need a title but feels like our relationship wasn't important and didn't matter in the wider scheme of things. Sorry I'm rambling again

I am so sorry for your loss.
You ramble away here and don't be apologising. Let it all out.
Cruise bereavement care are a charity that can really help. They give you someone to talk to.
Sorry I have no other meaningful advice but so very sorry for your loss xxxx

@VeganCheesePlease thankyou I just don't know what to do or how I feel or anything sometimes it feels like my heart is being ripped out and other times it really feels oddly normal as he wouldn't be here all the time anyway as there was some distance between where we lived and he worked fulltime so we mainly only got wkends together tho were in constant contact every day and evenings were spent on video call for hrs so its like we were together in evenings. We had so much planned for nxt yr and for over Christmas and I just can't get my head around that none of it will now happen

Ah, I know what you mean about the "sometimes oddly normal" - I lived two hundred miles from my parents so when my mum died although I was devastated I could spend most of the time pretending it hadn't happened, and then got hit all over again when I did go down to visit. I think it took longer to deal with because of that. Be prepared for waves of grief to hit at times like Christmas.

How do you get on with his parents? Would you feel able to ask them for anything from his house? - is there anything of his you would particularly like to keep? Maybe having something tangible would help you, both to symbolise his loss and to keep his memory alive.

@merryhouse I get in OK with his family tho I don't always feel they see me as a real partner if u like as we didn't live together and weren't married and also I have a disability and feel they saw him as mire a carer role which tho he did help me with things is so not how our relationship was. His parents have cleared most if the things from his house and weren't able to find a t.shirt I expressed I would particularly like (one he wore that drove me mad and I vowed one day I would bin but now i would desperately love to have had). Anyway there's nothing I can now do about it they were unable to find it. I was in his last of the world (70 miles from me) to visit his parents just after it happened and also for his service and I went to his house which felt oddly different and not like his now but leaving it and leaving the area to come home literally ripped me apart I felt I was leaving him there leaving him behind which I know is stupid and illogical

Anyone else around? Really could do with someone to chat to tonight feeling very low and trying to make sense of what I feel

So sorry @Feellost79 for your loss.
Would you like to tell us about him? What did he like doing?

I don't know what to say he was just everything to me. He enjoyed the gym and was a bit of a workaholic tho he also loved the coast and all things techy which I know absolutely nothing about he would laugh at how much of a technophobe I am

I'm so sorry I've seen recommended on here several times the charity Widowed and Young (you do not have to have been married).

@Cavagirl thanks I have joined that site however can't seem to get to grips with it at min and need someone to talk to in the moment if that makes sense altho meeting and speaking to those who are/have been in the same position at some point will probably be very helpful

I am so sorry for your loss. My DH died in September, very suddenly, and I absolutely know what you mean about the weeks feeling like both forever and no time at all. That is exactly how I feel too. It's incredibly hard. It might be harder for you in a way because you don't have that connection with your DP's family and they are not accepting you. I am lucky to have a good relationship with my in-laws.
Joining WAY has been useful, but the support I have found seems to be on the facebook groups. Are you on Facebook? If so, join the groups on there. There is a main one, there is one for my local area but I don't know if all local areas have one and other groups for different interests that people have set up. My local group also sends messages sometimes on the WAY site about meet-ups, but I haven't been to any yet, because I am an introvert who doesn't actually like meeting people even when I know it is a good idea and because I can't drive so can't get to them.
Feel free to 'ramble' here and talk about how things are. I have a long thread which is mostly me rambling on, but some lovely supportive people reply and it really helps.
Take care.

@badlydrawnbear thankyou and my total genuinely heartfelt condolences to u too on your sudden loss life really is hard and soil destroying at min isn't it. I'm feeling quite empty and upset at min at how the world is carrying on around me and even realising I need to be thinking and sorting things for Christmas just feels so so wrong and I am/was a big Christmas fan but it all just feels so wrong and disrespectful to be continuing life without him. I'm finding I can't care about anything and just doing normal stuff like eating watching TV general nonesense feels so pointless and hard work

As people say to me, grief is exhausting, just the emotional impact and your brain trying to process what has happened, that is probably why everything feels like such hard work. I haven't watched a tv programme since DH died. I have taken up listening to podcasts though to reduce the deafening silence in my empty house when DC are at school. Eating seems like an unnecessary effort, but try. Even if I don't want to eat, I try and make myself at meal times even if it's just toast. I really must do something about Christmas because I have young DC so have to make it happen for them whether I want to or not. You can do whatever feels right for you though. If you don't want to celebrate, don't, but it's probably best if you try and spend some time over Christmas with other people rather than alone.

@badlydrawnbear Thanks it all feels like such a minefield doesn't it. I live with my mum as dp and I weren't living together when I lost him as I have a disability and have not long gone thru a major health issue which took a long time to sort and then straight into covid so we were just starting to try and sort moving in together and the logistics of it all as he had his own place he needed to sell as was unsuitable for me/us so makes me feel like I kind of don't matter to his family s we weren't married didn't yet live together and lived a distance apart but ut really was all just logistics and circumstances and we were a real full cpl but I feel people and life/the wider world don't see it tht way and that hurts more. Sorry I'm rambling and ranting

Feellost79 I'm sorry that you feel like this, you were not any less important in his life because you didn't live together or weren't married

My username refers to my ex husband. My boyfriend/partner passed away suddenly on 9th Nov & we don't yet know why. He suffered from COPD but not to the extent that he should've died. Similar to your partner he was 52, I'm 38.

In one way I'm glad I don't have to deal with the clearing out of his stuff, sorting his financials out etc, I can just be myself & deal with my grief as it happens in fits and bursts

You know there's a big hole in your life, you know your dreams & plans for the future. And you owe it to him not to let anyone belittle those feelings

I said hello to you on WAY FB and confused you. I think I might have even confused myself!

Have you tried ringing the Samaritans, OP? They're available to chat to if you think it would help

@badlydrawnbear ah now I know who u are I think we both confused each other tho doesn't take much to confuse me at min thanks for chatting in both places your support means a lot

Struggling at min don't particularly know why specifically just everything just trying to accept it all and I can't (it's 4 wks tomorrow) I'm just exhausted even tho I do sleep and everyone seems to have gone no to their lives now