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Bereavement

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Original poster

My dad died

21 replies

Navigatingtheunknown · 21/11/2021 08:40

I have never posted on this specific forum before, but have changed my username as I have numerous friends who use the site and I know they will recognize the details of this post if they come across it.

My dad died on Friday from covid. It was a huge shock as he was doing well, due to be discharged and then took an awful and unexpected downward turn and ultimately he died.

I could not be with him physically at the end, but was able to do some video calls that the hospital set up so could tell him I loved him etc and at the very end when we knew he would not survive, was able to tell him it was okay to let go and we knew how hard he’d fought and how much he loved us all and how we would always remember him with love. My dad and I had a somewhat difficult relationship over the years but I still loved him despite everything.

I keep thinking about him struggling to breath and seeing him with the cpap mask on etc. This may not be the right place to ask this (please tell me where would be better suited and I can post it there), but does anyone have any advice on how I move on from these thoughts? I don’t want to keep thinking about his struggle and how he looked at the end etc, it’s not how I want to remember my dad and I’m sad that he died that way. My partner is worried about it possibly turning into some sort of trauma/ptsd.

I know he wasn’t struggling at the end as they made him really comfortable through drugs etc (we didn’t see him at this point) and they told us he had two people holding his hand and the hospital chaplain praying for him etc.

OP posts:
CorrBlimeyGG · 21/11/2021 08:51

I'm so sorry for your loss Navigating, my lovely dad passed away a few weeks ago. It was so incredibly traumatic at the end, and I had a period where every time I closed my eyes, I would have flashbacks. I can't take away your pain, but I can promise the flashbacks will reduce, and eventually they will go.

For me, when I have a flashback, I try to ground myself and remember what he was, not those moments where he was unwell. My dad had the loveliest smile, and even when I can't picture it, I can think of it and it eases the painful memories.

Bereavement is the longest journey, I don't think I've even touched upon it yet. But take joy where you can find it. It's OK to laugh, it's definitely OK to cry, often in circumstances that make you laugh too (the supermarket, always the bloody supermarket!).

FFSAllTheGoodNamesAreGone · 21/11/2021 08:51

I'm so sorry for your loss. It is so hard to lose a parent that you loved. For me the images and feelings never leave you, however they do dull over time and they get replaced with happy memories and images of the good times. Everyone deals with grief differently and there is no right or wrong way, there is only the best way for you. Sending you much love and peace x

SantaMonicaPier · 21/11/2021 08:54

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. When I lost my lovely mum, I also spent a long time remembering her at the end. That passed and now I remember how she was before those final weeks and although it took months I found the distressful memory of how she was at the end is not a main memory of her any more.

happytoday73 · 21/11/2021 08:55

I'm so so sorry.. You must be in shock and it's very raw right now.... No advice really just wanted to give you a hug!

Amigobay · 21/11/2021 09:02

I’m so sorry for your loss. My dad died from covid 2 weeks ago on Friday so I can sympathise somewhat with what you’re going through.
I have found it helpful to look through photos of him over the years, even from before I was born, just to put some different images in my mind and almost push out the more distressing images from the end. Ultimately I suppose it will just take time, but I wish you all the best x

ScottishTinydancer321 · 21/11/2021 20:23

Hi, I have to say slowly seeing my Nan at the end the memory of seeing her so poorly is fading. However the memory of not holding her hand is still raw. The shock is awful. In time I’m sure it will fade for you too xx sorry for your loss

Wren77 · 21/11/2021 20:31

I am so sorry for your loss. My mum died 2 years ago this month. It has taken me all this time not to think of her face after she died (did not make it back in time to be with her when she died). It looked like the end had not been peaceful. But now those images have faded - I think of her only as my lovely kind smiling mum who would not have wanted me to see her suffer or die. Bless her heart. Sending love xx

TyotyaKlava · 21/11/2021 22:41

Hi,
Sorry for your loss. My dad died 100 days ago exactly from Covid. He was in a different country and I only texted him during his illness. He was in hospital and my family were too distraught to ask questions on what actually happened so I don’t know if anyone held his hand in the end, or whether he was conscious or not. It still haunts me obviously but not as intense as it did the very first days. I still can’t look at the photos of him without my heart doing a somersault with pain. But the pain eases somewhat with time.

DuckDuckNo · 21/11/2021 23:09

This will sound mental I'm sure but whenever those thoughts start spinning around in your head take your phone or tablet and play a few rounds of Tetris or a similar immersive but simple game.

When my dad was dying we did at home hospice and I was really traumatised. He had cancer and his end was not peaceful. Anyhow, I read an article about detectives who investigate really awful crimes and how they would try to avoid ptsd by playing Tetris after viewing horrible stuff. I tried the same and I did notice it helped somewhat.

Original poster
Navigatingtheunknown · 21/11/2021 23:15

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I will try the Tetris idea.

I have found it hard to support my brother on the phone and hear him crying down the phone. He was very close to dad and is distraught. 😰 I think he’s going to come up and stay with us next week, he is self employed so is able to take the time off.

OP posts:
mineofuselessinformation · 21/11/2021 23:23

I don't think you can get rid of them completely, sorry. 
My dad died for very different reasons than yours, in that it wasn't Covid that caused my dad's death. (It was horrible and I don't really want to go into it here.)
My experience is that although I still remember those times, I also remember other times too.
I've found that I've gradually accepted that my dad could not have lived with the condition that he had. That actually helps me in that there was nothing anyone could have done to keep him alive longer.
If you feel I'm projecting, I'm truly sorry. But, it may chime with you.
Losing a parent is so hard. I'm so sorry for you @Navigatingtheunknown. Thanks

BiscuitLess · 21/11/2021 23:28

I’m really sorry for your loss. Also bereaved by Covid and have found similar memories very hard. Something that comforted me is that several different people said to me that it can at times be more distressing for those watching a loved one suffering than for the person themselves who may not be fully aware. One person used the example of giving birth - that it can be very painful but you are in a different mental state and sometimes it is the partner who is more traumatised.

While I realise that circumstances differ and the loved one may have been distressed, it comforts me to reframe it in the above way, and to tell myself that it may not have been as distressing as it seemed at the time, so that it becomes a “maybe” rather than as it originally seemed, a certainty. I hope that makes sense

ethelredonagoodday · 22/11/2021 12:10

I'm so so sorry for your loss. My dad died yesterday in almost identical circumstances, and I just feel in a daze with it all. I have been looking at pictures of him before all this, and trying to think of that, rather than the very poorly man we saw in hospital yesterday. We were lucky enough to see him at the very end, and hold his hand as he passed away, but it just feels so surreal and so terribly sad.

Mummyof287 · 22/11/2021 13:28

So sorry for your loss- sending love.
I can relate to your struggles, as my dad died unexpectedly in hospital one week ago today.He had been ill for some time, but sadly due to it being sudden and covid rules, we never got to say any sort of goodbye (he was due to come home for palliative care the day he died) The last time I saw him (via video call) he was in a pretty bad way on an oxygen mask too.
Sometimes I see him in my head as ill and frail ( I didn't see him in the Chapel of rest after he died) but have tried to replace any negative images of him with positive ones...I find looking at photos of him when he was well has helped with that, as often I now see those when I think about him xx

MoonlightMedicine · 22/11/2021 13:33

I am so sorry OP. Just to echo what has been said above, it takes time but the traumatic memories do fade eventually and you will be able to remember better times. It is part of the grieving process. I lost my mum just over 2 years ago, and my dad died 6 months after that. It is easier now to push away the distressing memories and focus on happier times. Sending love to you.

beentoldcomputersaysno · 22/11/2021 13:40

Sorry for your loss OP. I think it's one of those things where time is your friend and gradually other memories will become stronger.

LittleEsme · 22/11/2021 19:47

I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending heartfelt sympathy and lots of love Thanks

Yolanda888 · 04/12/2021 19:57

My dad died from covid on the 5th of February this year. He fought a really hard fight for 6 weeks but unfortunately covid won. He was the strongest man I have ever known and I was absolutely sure he would win his battle. Unfortunately he didn't and he left behind two heartbroken children 4 grandchildren and an absolutely distraught wife of 50 years. He was 68. I can't get it through my head that it's been 11months since I last seen him in person. He walked into the ambulance and never came home 💔💔💔. I can't and won't ever get over it. My heart is broken and there isn't a second of the day when he's not on my mind. My whole family is broken. I cry constantly. Iv never in my life felt a pain like it. I'm broken. Things I used to love have no purpose in my life anymore. I'm on a high dose of antidepressants and I am still feeling like this. I don't feel like it gets easier to me I feel like it gets harder💔💔💔

Eminia · 02/04/2022 21:29

How is everyone?
My dad died and I’m struggling seeing him at the end. I can’t stop thinking about it and wondering how he felt. I feel sad on what he’s going to miss and that he’s away from us now x

thisisallwrong · 02/04/2022 22:27

@Eminia

How is everyone? My dad died and I’m struggling seeing him at the end. I can’t stop thinking about it and wondering how he felt. I feel sad on what he’s going to miss and that he’s away from us now x
Hi @Eminia

I'm sorry to hear of your loss Thanks

When was this?

I have no real advice as my parents passed when I was a child, but I wanted to acknowledge your post.

You might be better to start your own thread?

Hopefully others with more experience will post.

putryersh · 03/04/2022 15:50

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