Is it normal? My beloved grandad died in early 2020 - funeral was held about a week or two before we went into national lockdown. I didn't even cry at the funeral - I felt numb, his death sudden, he wasn't particularly elderly. Of course I was upset, I was very close to him. I did cry after his death but it wasn't floods of tears like I expected, none at the funeral. I thrown everything into home schooling my kids during the lockdown just 2 weeks later, didn't really allow myself to cry or grieve. Lockdown was an excuse to shut myself away. Haven't really looked at photos of anything of him. I am an adult suspected to be on the spectrum (my children have asd so likely genetic) and I struggle with my emotions. I have thought about him daily though. I miss him dearly as do my dc. I am grateful they knew him.
But now nearly 2 years later it's hitting me harder than ever. I've cried on and off for days. Haven't cried in months until now. It's dawning on me I'll never hear his voice or see him again. He won't be here at Christmas - although he wasn't here last Christmas we couldn't see anyone anyway!
I'm struggling to go and visit my grandma. I love her dearly too but with covid and lockdowns j haven't been to her house as much as I would post covid. It still doesn't seem right that he's not there. His house was precious to him. When I go there I still expect to see him in the garden pottering around or out in his shed fixing something. Also petrified of giving covid to my grandma and she will die too - she's just had booster so hopefully well protected!
I feel guilty because I went to a funeral this week of an old family friend. Her funeral made me cry even though I hadn't seen her in a long time but I didn't cry at my own grandads?? What's wrong with me??